“So I agreed to carry this baby for free because I’m whimsical and random, and now I have to give birth to a baby — oops — so can you just, like, hit me over the head with a hammer and wake me up when it’s over like they did in the ’50s?”
Heather (Vella Lovell) is having second thoughts about this whole surrogate thing
“Who are you?!”
“We’re also from the future, and spoiler alert: You don’t age well.”
Sara (Caity Lotz) crashes Dr. Moore’s lobotomization of Leo
“Gideon, can you get me a line on Ava, please?”
“Yes, Captain. Would you like some privacy, as well?”
“Cheeky bot.”
Akin to Leo, Gideon is A.I., not blind
“They will shoot a hundred people in Vegas, and someone will come on TV and say, ‘Guns don’t kill people. People kill people. As a matter of fact, if the gunman had a knife, he could’ve stabbed a hundred people to death.’ Could’ve stabbed a hundred people?! If a hundred people ever got stabbed at the same time, in the same place, by the same person, you know what that would mean? Ninety-seven people deserved to die!“
“They’re going to see through me.”
“Not if you keep your mouth shut.”
Quiet and kindly Howard (J.K. Simmons) worries about passing for stone-cold Prime (also J.K. Simmons) on the other side
“Tonight for my birthday party, I’m going for shot-in-the-head chic. But, like, I’ve only been dead for, like, 24 hours. Like, not that long to where I’m, like, really disgusting and gross.”
The murder-loving Stassi has a very macabre fashion sense
“Why the hell would you have my son arrested?”
“He wants to be with a boy, so prison is the best place for him.”
Veronica (Angela Robinson), reminding David (Peter Parros) that she’s the kind of mother who eats her young
“Larry, how long have you been back there?”
“Since The Nightly Show got cancelled.”
Thede is surprised to find her former Nightly Show boss off to the side of the stage
“What happened at the end of today’s Fox & Friends? I only caught the first 170 minutes.”
POTUS (voiced by Jeff Bergman) interrupts an important meeting so Sarah Huckabee Sanders can fill him in on
“I went and did my crying, then had lunch… then more crying, then Ellen.”
First Lady Melania (voiced by Cody Lindquist) describes a typical afternoon in the White House
“You don’t learn when everything’s just lovely and wonderful, you learn from your mistakes — and honey, I have learned a lot!”
Lisa Rinna, finding the silver lining in screwing up
“Consider this ‘The Black Signal.'”
Black Lightning (Cress Williams) gives Inspector Henderson a simple cell phone with which to reach him
“And don’t you dare let anyone say it’s too soon to be talking about [gun control]. Because you said it after Vegas, you said it after Sandy Hook, you say that after every one of these eight, now, fatal school shootings we’ve had in this country this year. [voice breaking] Children are being murdered.”
On the heels of a school shooting in Parkland, Fla., Kimmel makes an emotional plea to President Trump for gun control legislation
“F—k, I miss Chevy.”
Alison Brie reacts after McHale confuses her with fellow Community grad Gillian Jacobs