Patrick Bateman Award for Terrifying Shirtlessness: Oh, Emily, you dodged a bullet when you kicked Kalon to the curb, gurrrrl!
Nope, I Didn’t Crop This Screengrab to Make It More Offensive “We’re definitely hooking up: No doubt about it,” Donna said of Michael Stagliano, prior to actually meeting him. Later, he noted that a lot of the guys wanted to keep Donna in the game for “physical reasons.” (Side note: Presumably, most of these people have families with whom they’ll have to sit around a Thanksgiving table in just a few months’ time. I mean…)
[Insert “Double Your Pleasure” Joke Here]: “That’s a plausible strategy,” giggled one of the twins, when the other one said she’d consider having sex in the Bachelor Pad mansion to advance their fortunes in the game.
Black Bar of the Week: “All I do is wax [bleep],” said Blakeley, discussing her career upgrade from “VIP Cocktail Waitress” (wink) to “aesthetician.” (Burning question: Was that Ed on the table?)
Black-Bar Dodge of the Week: Donna was just one dress tug away from flashing her staglianono.
The ‘Not as Smart as She Thinks She Is’ Award: Jaclyn hissed that she’s got a college education while Blakeley “waxes [bleep].” But they both ended up on Bachelor Pad, and only one of ’em paid for four years of tuition to get there.
Hubby’s Passing Comment of the Week: “No, they’ll remember him for being the only non-white person on this show,” said my better half, as Ryan shared that most people remember him as the 28-year-old virgin from Deanna’s season
Contam-man-nated!: And thus the season-long sullying of the Bachelor Pad hot tub began.
Sheer Horror?: How thin/damp/soul-crushing did Ed’s tighty-whities have to be to require so much blurring from the ABC standards and practices department?
Most Incorrect Use of a Slang Expression That I Wish I Hadn’t Gone to Google to Fact-Check: “I will donkey-punch you in the throat so bad,” said Blakeley, warning Chris B that he’d better stay loyal. (Um, at least I think she was using the phrase incorrectly.)
Is That a Pair of Tarantulas on Your Face, or Are You Just Happy to See Chris B?: Wait, who are we kidding? Jamie’s false eyelashes were so unfeasibly huge, there’s no way she knew who she was talking to!
Oh, Honey, “the Help” Wouldn’t Want to Share a Bed With You, Either!: “It would be like having the help sleep in bed with you. It’s just inappropriate,” huffed Erica Rose at the notion of sharing the mansion with “fans”
Irony Alert!: “The twins are immature and kind of ridiculous,” grumbled Chris B., moments after competing in a challenge that required him to hang from a giant, suspended heart while locking limbs with a relative stranger
Most Unexpected/Jarring Literary Reference: One of the twins remarking that their carousel ride with Dave reminded her of The Great Gatsby
Moment That Quickly Brought Us Back to the Gutter: The twins quickly decided they wanted to “pull a Courtney” (pronounced slurringly as “plllacrtny”) by skinnydipping with Dave
Jaclyn Facial Expression That Best Sums Up My Feelings About Bachelor Pad: Nominee No. 1
Jaclyn Facial Expression That Best Sums Up My Feelings About Bachelor Pad: Nominee No. 2
Jaclyn Facial Expression That Best Sums Up My Feelings About Bachelor Pad: Nominee No. 3