Louis Virtel

Big Brother Recap: Total Soap Opera

I repeat the same five words before every athletic challenge on Big Brother: “It’s like the Soulless Olympics!” “Oh no. Jeff’s gonna win.” Most of the competitions at Chenbot Manor are suited for swifter, brawnier contestants, and the HOH detergent race on Sunday’s episode was no exception. To see ultra-lean Jeff jaunt into the lead (as we did on Thursday’s episode) wasn’t exciting. In fact, it was scathingly dull. But did he pull through on Sunday’s ep with the win, earning himself the distinction of Head of Household and a gold medal in the Soaptathlon? Join us as we relive the sudsy Sabbath. …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: Is Shelly Lying to Us?

Wednesday’s Big Brother yielded a cute veto game (with beanbags!) and a couple great Daniele moments (including a delicious last-minute backdooring), but the episode mainly served as an intense psychological examination of Shelly, A.K.A. The Beigest Person On Television. She’s Frappuccino beige, you guys, and damn near Danielle Staub beige. Fascinating lady, this Shelly. Let’s compare notes! …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: State of Emergency!

The color in my face vanished after Thursday’s stupid eviction and horrifying Brenchel breunion, and now? I’m more colors than ever, frankly. I’m a healthy peacock gyrating wildly in a kaleidoscope. A Crayola riot. An LGBT triumph. I’m so overjoyed after Sunday night’s HOH competition and nomination ceremony that I don’t want to watch Wednesday’s episode for fear of tamping this unnatural high. In the meantime, let’s review the Skittle-dappled magic. Taste the rainbow of PAIN, Rachel! …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: Ranking Your New Top 9!

The worst part about Thursday night’s bracing eviction episode of Big Brother, which allowed one eliminated player to fight his/her way back into the game, was not its crummy competition, lame voting results, or Lawon’s frightening use of the words “special powers.” Close, though. It was how predictable it all was, and in the most depressing way possible. …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: It's All Greek to Kalia

The problem with a demented social experiment like Big Brother, where the cameras always roll and the CBS.com live-feeds percolate day and night, is we know exactly what doesn’t make it to TV. We know what conflicts have been truncated, misrepresented, or eliminated entirely in the edit bay, and in the case of our HOH Kalia’s decision-making this week, we didn’t even get to watch one of her fellow houseguests sway her judgment. And I mean really sway her judgment. …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: 5 Quotes That Made Our Blood Boil

Big Brother is like a mixtape of the most annoying soundbites ever recorded. As far as I’m concerned, Sunday night’s HOH-nomination episode was a medley of wails (Lawon’s), shrieks (Kalia’s), dry heaves (Jordan’s), and crying jags (Rachel’s, and Brendon’s in spirit) — so, a Christina Aguilera album with less bass! While Kalia figured out what to do with her harrowing position as the first newbie HOH, I started racking up quotes that made my blood boil. Perhaps they infuriated you too? Join us for a rundown of the five most unfortunate quotes from Sunday’s noisy hour. READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: 5 Most Promising Moments!

Strap on your stupid elf costume like Adam, because Christmas came early on Thursday’s Big Brother — in the form of five fantastic new developments. After weeks of veteran superiority, I found myself jolted back to life as the credits rolled. Jolted, I say! The kind of electroshock burst that gives you a permanent Evel Dick twitch and Shelly’s burnt sienna complexion. Let’s count down the five best moments from the titillating elimination episode and see how we feel about Julie Chen’s new “twist.” …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: The Daniele-Rachel-Brendon Comedy Hour!

Wednesday night’s episode of Big Brother proved that even the producers only care about three combatants in the house: scrappy Daniele, scrooge-y Brendon, and squawky Rachel. I’m sure you can’t argue. Daniele is our friendly double agent whose verve is wild, but mostly praiseworthy. Do we even have an option for another likable crusader? Professional sigher Jordan? Jive enthusiast Lawon? Rascal kindergartener Porsche? …READ MORE