The Bachelorette Premiere Recap: Who Did Becca Cut? And Who Did She Kiss?

The Bachelorette

I don’t know if you guys have heard, but Becca Kufrin is ready to do the damn thing. And on The Bachelorette‘s season premiere Monday night, she met 28 handsome devils who have the exact same goal.

Kufrin, of course, first appeared on Season 22 of The Bachelor, where Arie Luyendyk Jr. proposed to her… only to break up with her on camera a few months later, then propose to original runner-up Lauren Burnham. (Becca’s understandable reaction when Arie admitted he wanted to be with Lauren: “Are you f—king kidding me?”)

But nothing heals a broken heart like going back on national television and having two dozen men compete for your love — so Becca’s doing just that.

Let’s revisit 10 memorable moments from Night 1 of The Bachelorette — even though you’d surely prefer to forget a few of them:

* The premiere kicks off with a tried-and-true ABC reality tactic: emotional manipulation! As if Becca hasn’t cried enough over Arie — with cameras in her face, no less — the very first shot of the episode finds Becca sobbing on her couch while looking at old photos of her relationship with him. Is there any way this wasn’t staged? Was Becca honestly directed to sit and cry over her ex? I have a lot of questions.

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* A few hours before meeting the contestants, Becca gets advice from past Bachelorettes Kaitlyn Bristowe, JoJo Fletcher and Rachel Lindsay, all of whom are still engaged to the men they chose on their seasons. The women decide to cleanse the Bachelorette mansion with a bundle of sage, and it’s Kaitlyn who has the most appropriately puzzled reaction to the ritual: “Why do you light a big doobie and throw it around the house? I don’t get it.”

* We meet Becca’s suitors via a series of hilariously staged video packages, one of which introduces us to Jordan, a 26-year-old male model from Florida. Jordan is almost comically egotistical throughout the premiere — might we have found the villain of Season 14? — and I have to assume he’s being fed a ridiculous script from the producers. “Modeling is so much more than being ridiculously good-looking,” he says. “You’re talking gym year-round, tan year-round, salt spray year-round. There’s so much involved. It’s taxing.”

* Jean Blanc, a self-proclaimed “colognoisseur”, promises to “blow Becca’s nose away” with his sexy scent. Ick.

* Becca graciously smiles her way through 28 awkward introductions, and one of the most uncomfortable interactions surprisingly comes from Joe, a genial grocery store owner from Chicago. Upon meeting Becca for the first time, Joe is so dazzled by her beauty that he completely forgets his planned opening line, settling instead for a string of one-syllable words: “Hi! Cool! Bye!” To his credit, Joe knows he totally whiffed, muttering “What the f—k?” under his breath as he walks into the mansion.

* But the most awkward exchange of the night happens with Kamil, a 30-year-old social media participant — yes, participant! — who asks Becca to walk over to him when he gets out of the limo, explaining that he thinks all relationships “should meet in the middle.” The sentiment is nice enough… until Kamil adds, “But maybe it should be 60-40,” then gestures for Becca to walk even farther in his direction. “60-40? Ha!” Becca whispers after Kamil walks away, and I’ve never respected her more.

* There’s no shortage of drama at the cocktail party, starting with an accusation from sales trainer Chris that advertising exec Chase isn’t on the show for the right reasons. Apparently, Chris knows one of Chase’s ex-girlfriends back home, and she believes that Chase is just going on TV to get some exposure for his marketing company. The whole kerfuffle ends with an awkward chat between Becca and Chase, in which he tries to convince her that he is on the show to find love, and she just stares at him, skeptical. Romantic!

* Becca also has a cringe-inducing conversation with Jake, a marketing consultant that Becca has actually met a few times before in Minneapolis. She’s puzzled why Jake would come on this show to woo her, when he’s never shown any interest in her before — and when Jake can’t convince her that his intentions are good, she eliminates him before the rose ceremony. (“Ask anybody who knows me, I’m one of the most romantic f—king people there is,” Jake says after he’s been booted, clearly handling the rejection like a champ.)

* All hope is not lost for Becca, though: Sparks fly between her and Garrett, a medical sales representative from Reno, and she ends the cocktail party by giving him her First Impression rose — and her first kiss of the season.

* Unfortunately, six contestants aren’t so lucky. At the end of the first rose ceremony, Kamil, Joe, Chase, Christian, Darius and Grant are all eliminated, left to pin their romantic hopes on a future season of Bachelor in Paradise.

OK, your turn! What did you think of The Bachelorette‘s season premiere? Are any suitors standing out yet? Hit the comments below with your thoughts!