Quotes of the Week From Empire, Vampire Diaries, Housewives and More!

Happy Day-After-Valentine’s Day!

We’re not giving you candy or roses or diamond jewelry — but rather, a collection of the best TV zingers, retorts and one-liners from the last seven days.

Yep, the latest installment of Quotes of the Week contains skepticism on The Bachelor, bootyliciousness on Empire, an I Love Lucy reference on The Mysteries of Laura, double shots of Fresh Off the Boat and Last Week Tonight and much, much more!

So click through the gallery below for the full shebang, then hit the comments and tell us any great zingers we inevitably missed!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. titoveli says:

    wow not one CBS show made the list this week .. this site doesn’t watch CBS

    • Jake says:

      You’re right. Let’s fix that.

      “Oh wow! The culprit was that person from the first act we all forgot about” – all CBS dramas.

      “Breasts and penises!” – all CBS comedies.

  2. Jenna says:

    Mindy and Empire are without a doubt zinger heaven.
    Mindy has ‘ADHDTV’. And, ‘Family doesn’t wait to be invited. It’s like HPV; it just shows up and never leaves.’ Among others…

  3. Lindsay says:

    What about Person of Interest when Reese and Zoe are helping Finch prepare to talk to the jury, and he lists the defendant’s cell phone records as one of the reasons why he’s guilty? Reese replies, “Those can be faked. I have a friend who does that.” “Not fair, John.”

  4. Wordsmith says:

    The STD line from Supernatural was amusing except that, as you see later in the episode, “Sigma Theta Delta” when it’s written out looks more like E-O-triangle, so the joke is lost.

  5. kelvin says:

    The Tv drama empire is actually very interesting especially with Naomi Campbell…

  6. Drew says:

    I laughed when they were discussing internet stuff on Supernatural and they mentioned AIM. Is that still a thing?

  7. Angela says:

    I SO want to hear Ichabod rant about cable news networks, and all the people who work on them, now. I think he could have quite a bit of fun with people like Blitzer or O’Reilly and so on. And talk radio! Oh, he could have FUN with talk radio!
    And I’ve seen clips of that widow lady from “The Bachelor” on “The Soup”. Very creepy. Definitely worth close scrutiny.
    Also, I love John Oliver. I really do :).

    • Drew says:

      It seems like it would be funny, but when you consider that the people he hung out with actually overthrew the government that was in place at the time, you have to think that hearing someone rant about politicians wouldn’t seem unusual to him. He’d probably ask why there aren’t more expletives involved.

  8. Briggs says:

    What’s this, an Arrow quote with no Felicity? Not even referring to Felicity? Amazing! LOL Seriously, though, I loved this moment between the Queens. What about their moment when he came to question her as the Arrow led her to believe she won?
    I think Cisco is getting a litte *too* involved in Barry’s sex life. I think he’ll be fine without disgusting visuals, Cisco, baby. Not everything he does is fast.

  9. Cobra says:

    Better Call Saul had a wealth of great quotes in its first two episodes (in addition to the one listed).
    “You are the worst lawyer ever.”
    “I just got you down from a death sentence to six months’ probation. I’m the best lawyer ever.”
    “They’re going to jail, aren’t they?”
    “Since when does that matter? They had sex with a severed head!”

  10. Greg, J, says:

    I was really hoping you would’ve included the”Modern Family” line about the electrician, Claire, “Phil don’t forget to write the check for the electrician,” Phil, Don’t worry, he charge us!” lol, I thought that line was so HILARIOUS!!!!

  11. D.L. says:

    I’m surprised that the Sleepy Hollow “Jefferson unfriended me.” quote didn’t make it in. That made my night last Monday.

  12. Dj says:

    My favorite quote was from Sirens.

    “I will not look to gay men to fill any of my holes.”

  13. The Kaibosh says:

    No kidding, that IS an ass.