American Idol Results Recap: Luh, Actually

american-idol-top-10-results-recap-bottom-3Nobody ever said life was fair.” That’s a lesson I learned early on from the 1981 camp/horror classic Mommie Dearest, and a lesson that was brutally reiterated during tonight’s installment of American Idol.

Halfway through the results telecast, three of the most lovely and talented graduates ever to emerge from The House That Kelly Clarkson Built — Season 8’s Allison Iraheta, Season 10’s Pia Toscano and Season 11’s Jessica Sanchez — engaged in a few seconds of beautiful harmony to kick off… brace for it… judge Jennifer Lopez’s rendition of… of… I don’t wannt type this… please don’t make me type this… ugh it’s my job to type this… “I Luh Ya Papi.”

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I’m not even going to bother reviewing Jenny From the Block’s performance. I’ll just let the “Random Pop-Music Cliché Generator” spit out a few phrases: Bedazzled Daisy Dukes. Backing Track. Soul-Destroying Lyrics. Death of the English Language. Squatting.

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Meanwhile, Harry Connick Jr. used his “tastemaker” status to champion so-so New Orleans act Royal Teeth, while the show’s producers continue to ignore really terrific new music from the likes of Ms. Iraheta’s band Halo Circus, Ms. Toscano’s new duo, Melinda Doolittle, Skylar Laine, Lee Dewyze (recently featured on The Walking Dead), Elise Testone, Didi Benami and many, many more.

I know, I know, I’m a broken record of the same complaints week after week, season after season. And nobody ever said life was fair.

On that note, let me get to results. Because sometimes, results are all an Idoloonie has left to hold onto.

Sent to Safety (in No Particular Order)
Jessica Meuse
Malaya Watson
Alex Preston
Caleb Johnson
C.J. Harris
Jena Irene
Sam Woolf

Bottom 3 Vote-Getters
Dexter Roberts
Majesty Rose
M.K. Nobilette

Rescued From Jeopardy First
Majesty Rose

Rescued From Jeopardy Second
Dexter Roberts

Lowest Vote-Getter
M.K. Nobilette

“Save-Me Song”
M.K. poured quite a bit of passion into John Legend’s “All of Me,” but despite the judges’ “deep talking” faces and chit-chat, you knew they weren’t gonna use it. I mean, the producers chose to show M.K. asking bandleader Rickey Minor for the opening line to her song — not exactly a ringing endorsement for her readiness to take Candice Freakin’ Glover’s crown and sash. But hey, as exit performances go, this one was solid — a good reminder that while M.K. may have some growing to do, there could be some real musical success at the end of the road.

And with that, I turn it over to you…

What did you think of Season 13 Top 10 results night? Did the right contestant get the boot? If not, who should’ve been cut? And how did you feel seeing/hearing J.Lo on the Idol stage? What about the fact that Allison, Pia and Jessica were backing her? Sound off in the comments!