Mistresses Recap: 'Do a Lot of People Do This?' 'You'd Be Surprised'

Mistresses Sam Karen KissThis week’s Mistresses posed a variety of provocative questions: As a psychiatrist, is it ever OK to lip-lock with the (possibly unhinged) son of your dead patient/former lover? (Helllll, naw!) “How do you accidentally kiss a lesbian?” (After the Nth round of martinis?) What deal has Alyssa Milano cut with the devil to completely suspend the aging process? (Also, is said arrangement available in a “regular mortal” variety? I’m asking for a friend, of course.) And finally, how in tarnation do you write a recap after witnessing a from-the-towel-clad-waist-up camera pan of Australian dreamboat Brett Tucker (as Savi’s hubby Harry)? Let’s find out, shall we? (Also: I just used “tarnation” in a sentence!)

Hey, just because Mistresses is summer’s most addictive guilty pleasure doesn’t mean it won’t leave you with anything to think about!

With that in mind, let’s boil down the action for our quartet of protagonists — while raising pertinent questions we’ll need to see answered in their futures:

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SAVI | The episode kicks off with a panicked Savi getting her pregnancy confirmed by her gynecologist, then sharing the news with April and Karen — a scene that ABC’s promo department showed us before last week‘s episode (grrrrr). Savi spends most of the hour offering legal advice to April about the paternity suit against her late hubby, and simultaneously trying to find out if she can determine the father of her own little fetus before she starts showing. Turns out, the answer is yes — but it’ll cost her. “Do a lot of people do this?” she asks her new doc. “You’d be surprised,” he responds. And so Savi ends the episode collecting the blade of her hubby’s razor — and all his DNA-rich stubble (purrrr) in the process. Oh, did I mention, Savi prioritizing her medical crisis means she’s been bumped off the Sullivan case in favor of Dominic — which is what she wanted in the first place, just not with her getting a scolding for being flaky in the process?

Key questions: Is Savi’s career trajectory about to wake up next to Karen’s dignity (behind a back-alley dumpster)? How is Harry getting better-looking every week? Shouldn’t Savi have waited till Harry left for work before collecting his razor blade? And wouldn’t his toothbrush have been an easier thing to replace, along the lines of “Honey, I replaced your toothbrush because it was looking all kinds of manky!”? (Okay, yeah, then we would’ve been robbed of that shaving scene. I hear ya.)

JOSS | Joss goes on a hike with hot lesbian client Alex — and then Alex’s hard-charging ex shows up, yanks the tags off Joss’ workout clothes and notes, “You must not do this much.” Oh snap! After Savi tells her not to insert herself (unsolicited) into Alex’s personal affairs, Joss accompanies her new pal to a lesbian jewelry party (it’s L.A., just go with it) and when some chick gets all up in Alex’s grill, Savi pretends to be her significant other and plants a kiss on Alex’s lips.

Alex, however, isn’t amused, and storms off — until she shows up later at Joss’s and announces she’s broken up with Sally. She spends the night at Joss’s, gets breakfast in bed, and tells Joss she’s a good friend — which puts a smile on Joss’s face so genuine and wide, I can’t pretend it didn’t touch me a little. It’s nice for Joss to have a friend whom she’s not borrowing from Savi, no? But is Alex a friend, or a friend-friend, if I ain’t being too subtle?

Key questions: Where in the party-toilet house was Joss’s new boss Olivier this week? Also: Isn’t the Joss-Harry friendship just one step past the border of comfortably sibling-y and into the territory of disconcertingly flirty? I mean, take Harry’s response to Joss’s lycra hiking gear: “Seducing another personal trainer, are we?” Or Joss’s demand for a fresh espresso in exchange for not discussing with Harry hers and Savi’s menstrual cycles. Deep down, I think it’s merely family closeness through Joss’s lack of filter, but my TV veteran side worries this could turn into an affair. (Please don’t, Mistresses writers!)

APRIL | Miranda, April’s “dead” husband’s baby mama, sends her attorney to make financial demands on April (complete with “lab results” proving paternity), and with Savi’s advice in the mix, April agrees to meet face-to-face with the woman. Miranda is surly at first — demanding special lattes from April and sharing that her hubby had made up his mind to leave her and be with a pregnant Miranda right before he — ¡¡¡WENT MISSING ON AN OCEANIC FISHING TRIP!!! ¿¿¿WHAT???

When Miranda’s son (or is he a hired model?) Scotty takes a tumble and needs medical care, April steps up for the uninsured Baby Mama, prompting Miranda to note that the situation would “be a whole lot easier if you weren’t a good person.” Miranda, however, doesn’t label herself under that heading — she’s a bad bitch, yo, and she seems to be getting off on it! The episode ends with her paying off the “lawyer,” who turns out to be merely an actor who wouldn’t dig in and ask too many nagging questions. Ladies and gents, we have a con artist in the house!

Key questions: Savi won’t let April shell out 10 cents till they’ve conducted their own independent paternity testing, right? And “disappeared on a fishing trip” is to “faked his own death” as “Do we have fruit in the fridge?” is to “Get me some ice cream, please, dear,” right?

KAREN | Karen gets in her car the a day or two after helping Sam through his DWI and sees his wallet in her car. “You gotta be kidding me!” she sights, and I’m all, “Grrrrrrrrrrl, that’s exactly what I was thinking!” I mean, she has to be joking that she’s not just gonna drop this in an envelope and mail it to him, right? But no, Karen goes and tries to shove the wallet into Sam’s mailbox — and he bumps into her in the foyer, uses some lame excuse about Karen needing to see his ye-olde-timey camera (which promopted him to drop out of Brown — WHA?!) and then manages to convince our TRAINED AND PRESUMABLY LICENSED THERAPIST to stay for dinner. Karen has enough sense left to pretend she doesn’t know where the glasses are housed (this was hers and Sam’s dad’s love nest, after all), but doesn’t know enough to flee the scene when A) She dissolves into tears after Sam reads a note from his dead dad about following one’s passion; B) Sam cranks up Young Jeezy on the stereo; C) Sam gets closer to her than two pieces of filo dough in an oven while reaching for a water glass. She harshly rebuffs the kid when he finally goes in for a smooch: “No, Sam, we did not have a moment.” (But ya did, Blanche! Ya did have a moment!) And when she takes off, Sam dramatically destroys the tablescape he’d so carefully laid out. (Gasp! What would Sandra Lee say?)

Key questions: Who’s the most dangerous: Dominic, Sam, Alex or Miranda? (Please rank them from most- to least-menacing in the comments.) At this point, would you be upset if Karen’s license was revoked? What happened to her smokin’ hot colleague Jacob? And why can’t I shake the idea that Karen is the prey in a long con/psychological-legal trap set by Sam and his mom?

Week’s Best Quotes
4) “Fancy! Glad I wore a bra.” –Joss, arriving at the “lesbian jewelry party”

3) “Shut your lady-loving lips! You hooked up with men?” –Joss, responding to Alex’s confession that she used to date doods

2) “Unfortunately, bitches still have legal rights.” –April, discussing with Savi the paternity suit against her late hubby

1) THIS exchange:

Nurse at Savi’s doctor’s office: “Patients who make same-day appointments sometimes have to wait.”
Savi: “Until the second coming?!

OK, for the fourth straight week, I’ve passed the 1,000-word count on an article about FREAKIN’ MISTRESSES! Let me turn it over to you: What’d you think of the show this week? What key questions do you have? Sound off in the comments!