True Blood Season 6 Premiere Recap: Kill Bill

true-blood-s6-premiere-300In “Who Are You, Really?” the sixth season premiere of True Blood, we get one semi-major death, a coupla big entrances (ack! — it’s The Hitcher!), a werewolf ménage à trois and the perfect new nickname for the post-Lilith merger Bill: Billith. (Well done on that one, Pam. As usual.) So what do you say? Shall we dive in?

THE GREAT ESCAPE | Picking up right where Season 5 left off, Sookie, Eric, Jessica, Pam, Tara, Nora and Jason beat a hasty retreat just as Billith blows Authority HQ to smithereens and flies off like — as Jason so eloquently puts it — a “nekkid evil Superman.” As soon as our heroes are safe, Nora glamors Jason into revealing what he knows about Warlow. This so ticks him off that he has a full-on redneck fit, pulls a gun on Eric’s “sister” (oh, do it already! Please!), disowns his own sister and decides to hitchhike home. But who would pick up a hitchhiker covered in gore in the middle of the night? Ack — it’s The Hitcher! Rutger Hauer, aka Warlow, that’s who!

PHOTOSTrue Blood Hot Shots: Bill Cleans Up, Eric Gets Down ‘n’ Dirty, Sookie Looks Surprised

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POLITICS AS USUAL | As good ol’ boy Governor Burrell gives a speech authorizing the forcible closing of all fanger-run businesses, he’s pelted with blood by a vampire-rights activist. (His daughter, Willa, I presume?) As soon as he’s done, he runs straight to the makers of Tru Blood about secretly jump-starting their operation in order to fund his reelection campaign. (Is it just me, or is Arliss Howard sorta going for a Lex Luthor-meets-Principal Snyder from Buffy vibe?)

BLOOD FEUD | Immediately annoyed by Nora (join the club), Pam asks Eric what most viewers spent the last season wanting to: “Who the [bleep] is Mary Poppins, and can I kill her?” In response, he doesn’t just defend the Brit, he’s nasty to his progeny, who is then comforted by her progeny, Tara… to whom she is, in turn, nasty. “You can’t replace him,” Pam hisses. But Tara’s so eager to try that, when the government shows up at Fangtasia to shut the place down, she takes a bullet (a laser? Something new?) for her maker.

DOGGONE | Before Luna dies from her season-ending stint in Steve Newlin drag, she makes Sam promise to take care of Emma. (Luckily, the first person the duo runs into after the little girl is orphaned is Lafayette, who not only makes her a snack but promises to “do something with [her] hair, too.”) Meanwhile, Alcide munches on the late JD so as to officially assume the mantle of packmaster. (So many hoops to jump through!) Moments later, Rikki catches the dawg in the buff (when isn’t he?), making out with a vixen named Danielle. Rather than chew him out, she initiates a threesome — a curious way to prove she’s his “No. 1 bitch,” but he hardly objects.

FATHER’S DAZE | Though Andy wants to slouch away from his responsibilities as the babydaddy of four half-fairy newborns, Arlene reminds him that “when you stick Mr. Happy inside somebody’s hoo-ha without a raincoat,” that’s the kinda [bleep] that happens. By the following morning, he’s no longer the father of four newborns, anyway — they magically seem to be… ack! It’s The Hitcher! (No, not this time.) They magically seem to be about 4 years old!

STAKEOUT | After Billith nearly kills Jessica by aggressively summoning her to him (cue the bloody puke and writhing), Sookie stakes him while he’s fighting Eric. But, like the honey badger, Billith don’t care; he’s able to remove the stake more easily than I’ve ever been able to remove a splinter. Following this altercation, Jessica — never the sharpest fang in the mouth — elects to stay with her maker (who describes himself as “Bill Compton… and something more”), and Eric returns to Sookie the ownership of her home. (Her first order of business after that sweet gesture: rescind his invitation to said home! Gran would be ashamed!)

Okay, your turn. What did you think of the season premiere? How would you rate its director, Stephen Moyer? WTH did it mean when all those bloody Liliths leapt into Bill at the end of the episode? Hit the comments.