True Blood Recap: There Will Be (Lots of) Blood

True Blood Season 5Okay, show of hands: Who didn’t assume that it was only a matter of time before True Blood’s Russell got tired of playing nice with the Authority? You there, with your hand up — be embarrassed! As for the rest of you, you’ll be gratified to read (if you haven’t already watched Sunday’s installment) that this was the episode in which the former Vampire King of Mississippi declared himself over it. (He even bitch-slapped Salome to make sure she understood just how over it he really was.) But that was nothing compared to what he told the Council he was going to do next…

MAKE-BELIEVERS | Before Russell declared his independence from the Authority (and from all authority, for that matter), he, Bill and Salome executed poor Mac from Veronica Mars. Eric, however, was given one last chance to convert — and force-fed a droplet of Lilith blood to speed the ol’ presto-chango. At first, he and Nora saw not the nudie goddess but Godric, who, in essence, tsk-tsk’d his daughter. But then Lil showed up and slashed Mr. Peace, Love and Happiness’ throat. After that, Eric was a believer — or at least willing to give the appearance that he was one. He even claimed that he forgave Russell for slaughtering his whole family. Of course, the immortal enemies’ détente was short-lived. Both Eric and Bill went wild-eyed when the madman revealed his plan to score enough fairy blood to daywalk to his cold, undead heart’s content. (You could almost hear Bill’s brain gasp: “Sookie!”)

FAIRY HOME COMPANION | Speaking of Sookie, she was forced to stake Mike the Creepy Coroner with a pair of chopsticks when he used his newly sprouted fangs to bite her. Later, she and Jason discovered a scroll full of squiggles hidden under a floorboard at Gran’s house. Unfortunately for Miss Jazz Hands, the fairy version of Google Translate revealed that the 300-odd-year-old document was a contract that gave her to the mysterious Warlo who had killed Ma and Pa Stackhouse.

SNOW WAY OUT | Although Hoyt survived being turned into Piggy Chow, he decided that, rather than crawl back to the half-life he’d lead in his mama’s house, he was going to move to Alaska. “No!” cried Jason and Jessica (selfish much?). But Bubba’s mind was made up. So, in what was probably the most heartbreaking scene of the season to date, Jessica granted Hoyt’s request to glamour him into forgetting that both she and Jason even existed.

SPLAT GOES THE WEASEL | After new sheriff Elijah informed Pam and Tara that the Authority had ordered a baby (vamp) boom, our favorite zinger slinger told her progeny that, rather than obey, they’d go on the lam. Tara, natch, had other ideas and staked the Lestat wannabe.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE | Chasing down Emma, Sam and Luna shifted into mice (the cute, white, lab kind, not the giant, terrifying, subway kind) and snuck into Authority HQ just in time to see her new “owner,” Steve, scold the werepup for turning back into a human. Lafayette cooked dinner for Andy and Holly, possibly to remind us that they’re still a couple, and Morella made a cameo at the fairy Studio 54, definitely to remind us that unfaithful Andy has already doomed his relationship with Holly. And best of all, no smoke monster!

So, what did you think of the episode? Will you miss Hoyt? Do you think Bill has really gone over to the dark side? (We didn’t… until he allowed Mac from Veronica Mars to be staked!) Could Mrs. Fortenberry’s hair have been any bigger? (We’re talkin’ Ethel Merman on The Love Boat big!) Where was Alcide? Your comments below.