True Blood Recap: Bill, Eric, Roman and Jason Have Sex — But There's a Twist (Natch)!

True Blood Season 5 RecapThose of you who haven’t already seen Sunday’s episode of True Blood — the fifth season’s third, if you’re keeping track — will probably want to heed this ginormous SPOILER ALERT! warning and put off reading this recap until you have. The rest of you, fangs out and dive in!

Oops. Sorry if that headline misled you: True Blood didn’t have Bill, Eric, Roman and Jason knocking boots with each other in Sunday’s “Whatever I Am, You Made Me” episode. Rather, Bill and Eric took turns being, um, pumped for information by Salome, who reported her findings to Roman so immediately afterward that she was still in bed, still naked and still in the mood, the randy strumpet! Meanwhile, Jason seduced the teacher who’d once schooled him in the art of canoodling, only to realize that he’d been numbing himself with sex ever since. And those were just a couple of the 207 stories unfolding. Along the way, we were also treated to:

ANOTHER TARA MELTDOWN | Though Sam protected the new vamp for a day by stashing her in the freezer at Merlotte’s, she still couldn’t chill. So, upon discovering a beauty salon called — brilliantly — Curl Up & Fry — she broke in and went all Tanning Mom on herself in an attempt to commit suicide. But something tells us she won’t succeed, because her act of desperation was juxtaposed with…

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A PAM REVELATION | At last, those flashbacks Eric’s progeny has been having served a purpose. Remembering the “eternal commitment” that her maker told her came with turning a human awoke in her a grudging sense of obligation to the blood-sucker she herself had just created. Therefore, it seemed unlikely that, after sensing Tara in the deep fryer, she wouldn’t intervene. Or at least show up with ketchup.

SOOKIE AND NORA CONFESSIONS | Not long after the Pelts started sniffing around for the MIA (and, unbeknownst to them, RIP) Debbie, Sookie finally admitted to Alcide that she’d sent his ex to that big dog park in the sky. Meanwhile, back at Dr. Evil’s lair… er, Authority HQ… rather than admit that Eric is her brother, Nora “revealed” to Barb from Cougar Town that she is a fundamentalist Sanguinista.

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A JESSICA REJECTION | Out shopping for more Red Riding Hoodies, the princess of Louisiana got a whiff of — and then lost track of — the recast fairy Claude. (Did we really need more new characters?) All turned on afterward, she ran straight to Jason, but — thanks to his pesky new self-awareness — he and his johnson both turned her down.

TRANSITIONS FOR STEVE AND HOYT | No sooner was Reverend Newlin appointed “the new Nan Flanagan” than he got on Roman’s bad side. Of course, Steve being Steve, the Guardian’s scolding only left him swooning like a 12-year-old girl at her first Bieber concert. Later, Adam Lambert… Wait, no, that was just a newly emo Hoyt. Anyway, he showed up at Fangtasia and, instead of heeding Pam’s warning that her patrons would make a chew toy of him, marched in like he thought it was a good idea to be outfitted in head-to-toe International Male.

AND ALL THIS, TOO | Veronica Mars’ Mac debuted as the Authority’s equivalent of James Bond’s Q just long enough to hook up Bill and Eric with lethal tracking devices disguised as S&M gear. Back in the outside world, after Holly’s brats posted a picture of Andy’s bare ass on Facebook, she agreed to go steady with the sheriff. (This was not a cause-and-effect kind of thing, mind you.) Terry infuriated Arlene by informing her that he and Patrick were going “somewhere” to do “something.” Later, the redhead infuriated Lafayette so badly that he morphed into scary brujo Lafayette and poured bleach in her gumbo. (And here we thought the secret ingredient was love.)

So what did you think? Whose team is Salome on? How fast is Alcide gonna forgive Sookie? And WTH is Hoyt up to? Sound off below.

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