True Blood Season Finale Recap: Did That Just Happen?! [Warning: Major Spoilers]

SPOILER ALERT: The following recap of the season finale of True Blood is full of… Well, the words “spoiler” and “alert” should’ve given you some clue, now shouldn’t they? Seriously, if you have yet to watch Sunday’s closer, hit the nearest emergency exit. Everyone else, onward and downward…

Anyway, whoa. Marnie-as-Lafayette fatally stabbed Jesus, Debbie tried to shoot Sookie but missed and blew out Tara’s brains instead, Sookie shot Debbie, and Eric and Bill took out that annoying Nan!

And that was just the tip of the iceberg!

Let me try to put this in some kind of order for you:

First Marnie-as-Lafayette — we’ll call him/her Marnayette — rewarded Jesus for making him/her breakfast by forking him and then knifing in order to steal his brujo magic. (If that hadn’t worked, clearly a vicious spooning was next.) Then, during Marnayette’s Bill/Eric cookout, wiccan waitress Holly, with the help of Sookie, Tara and the Gorton’s fisherman, summoned up a whole buncha dead people, including Gran and Antonia (who never seems to rest, much less in peace) to coax her into the great beyond.

Afterward, Sookie’s wrists engaged in a restorative kinda blood-sucking three-way with the medium-rare Bill and Eric, both of whom she then dumped. She may have been listening to her gut, or she may just not have been able to take how silly they looked in matching bathrobes. (In any case, coupled with the half fairy’s conversation with Alcide about how they should really follow their heads rather than their hearts, it’s pretty safe to assume there will be wolf hair clogging her shower drain next season.)

Elsewhere, Jason manned up and told Hoyt that he was shagging Jessica; Jessica womanned (?) up and told Jason – during sex, no less – that she didn’t want to be his girlfriend (though really, when aren’t they having sex?); the late Rene (back from the dead along with all the other ghosts) warned Arlene that guest star Scott Foley (as Terry’s old Army buddy) would be nothing but trouble; Rev. Newlin showed up at Jason’s with fangs; Debbie showed up at Sookie’s with a rifle; a wolf showed up at Sam’s; and Nan showed up at Bill’s to inform him and Eric that she’d quit/been fired and was joining a vampire revolt. Not that they cared. They were so offended that she called them “puppydogs” that they turned her into a pile of goo.

Oh, and did I mention that it looked like Russell had escaped from his concrete prison?

Because it did look that way.

So what did you think? Were you happy with the season? Unhappy? Were you surprised that Tara and Jesus were killed? Did you care that Debbie and Nan bit the dust? Would you have bumped off someone else instead? Sound off below. And feel free to eulogize your fallen favorites.

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