No one likes to see seven minutes of entertainment stretched into an hour-long batch of pregnant pauses and fart speculation, but that’s exactly what we witnessed on Wednesday night’s Big Brother. It’s like how that Anne Hathaway movie One Day felt like it lasted two months, you know? To kill time, the P.O.V. episode turned itself into a meditation on Porsche’s poor decision to open Pandora’s Box for a $5,000 payoff. To be fair: Very bad move, Porsche! But to be fairer to us, couldn’t Zingbot have come back to harass her about it? Or David Hasselhoff?
Like clockwork, the dread of HOH Porsche’s decision segued right into a P.O.V. competition that suited the strengths of her adversaries, Rachel and Jordan — or maybe just Rachel, which is worse enough. In yet another “dangling” challenge where the six remaining HGs hung onto suspended dummies bearing the faces of fallen competitors, the seemingly advantaged quad of Porsche/Kalia/Adam/Shelly tried to outlast Rachel, who used her Goro-like appendages to strangle her Brendon dummy and perch herself high in the air. Poetically just, wouldn’t you say?
Adam fell off first like the beardless tundra of nothingness he is, lasting about five minutes. “I’m still too fat,” he muttered, achieving Death of a Salesman bleakness in his delivery. That didn’t stop him from waxing neurotic about his performance later, as he noted to Porsche, “I’m just embarrassed for myself… You needed me to win, I needed me to win.” No one needs you to be anything, Adam. We don’t even need you to be. Jordan tumbled off her dummy second, complaining of soreness. Shelly and a disappointing Porsche descended after, leaving only Rachel (still beaming like the Cheshire Cat in a V8-colored Party City wig) and Kalia (slipping so fast, we can already hear her teary runner-up confessional). Lo and behold, Rachel won and secured safety for herself and Jordan in a critical victory. By default, Porsche replaced them on the chopping block with Adam and Shelly. Bummer.
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But before we see if Shelly’s clandestine pleading with Rachel and Jordan will earn her another week in the house over the sad cipher Adam, let’s make the most of this spotty episode and pick three moments that we truly relished. I’d rather dwell on the fun parts instead of needlessly debate whether Adam or Shelly is going home tomorrow. Both houseguests are just tally marks at this point, and one isn’t more valuable than the other — even if Shell’s social game is much savvier than Adam’s. I do root for Shelly, but only because she’s crafty with soundbites. At the end of the day, I appreciate primed D.R. chops. When she claimed Porsche has more stuffing in her chest than her head, I chortled like Fire Marshall Bill. But only because he looks like Shelly!
Without further ado, here are three moments that warranted uppercase LOLs.
3. Shelly’s claim to Jordan that she “tortured over the decision” to vote out Jeff. Is this “Pranksta’s Paradise?” by the rapper LOLlio? Because I’m guffawing! If the other houseguests are intuitive, they must realize that Shelly is an instinctive player who relies more on impulsive gamesmanship than loyalty to further her game. Jordan seemed to accept Shelly’s explanation, but it remains to be seen whether Shelly’s new promise to protect Rachel and Jordan will be sincere. Shelly’s lies are the un-white variety — they’re plain and flagrant. They’re darker, plain lies — beige lies, if you will. Just like Shelly herself. “The Beige Lie” — hell of an outlaw moniker, wouldn’t you say?
2. Kalia’s fart drama
As Kalia slipped from her dummy, she… seemed to pass gas a couple of times. That would be forgettable if Kalia didn’t then claim to us, “I swear I don’t pass gas!” Indeed, she tried defending herself by disavowing her entire digestive system. Isn’t she supposed to be the booksmart member of this squad?
1. Adam yelling “Dammit!” like a tubercular stepfather
Not only did Adam fall first from the dummies, but he once again bellowed “Dammit!” like your emphysema-choked uncle as he accidentally drops his last carton of Winston’s off the fishing boat. Even better, it seemed like Adam’s bellow was his version of a game move. “They know I suck,” he probably reasons, “so I better yell PG swear words to trick them into believing I feel bad about sucking.” Gloriously pitiful. Good job, loudly worthless man!
What do you think of the P.O.V. episode? Do you feel like the newbies can’t catch a break with these circumstantial game twists? Are Rachel and Jordan major contenders again? Is Shelly toast tomorrow? Leave it in the comments, follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel, and read me regularly at Movieline.com!