Big Brother Recap: 5 Wishes for the Week Ahead

I can’t tell whether Thursday’s eviction episode of Big Brother was satisfying or anticlimactic: We dealt with two provocative nominees — Shelly, the bayou belle who forged one too many problematic alliances, and Brendon, who spends his entire life as one half of a problematic alliance. Let’s analyze the elimination, see where we’re headed in the week ahead, and grant ourselves five wishes for the coming proceedings. Porsche, stop skipping in circles and pay attention.

(Warning: I’m going to reveal the winner of the unfinished HOH challenge as part of this list. Please forgive me if you hate tiny spoilers — and please explain why you read Mr. Ausiello’s site if that’s the case.)

Well, I can’t say I’m sad to see Brendon leave again. The only thing worse than a braying Rachel is Brendon cooing at that braying Rachel and assuring her she’s a precious shimmersparkle from heaven. No amount of cancer research will save you from malignant nonsense, Brendon. I scoff like Kalia at your elimination and add a Shelly grunt.

The greatest part of the show was Julie’s news that next week’s eviction episode is a surprise double-elimination. That means the entire dynamic of the season can change in a single episode, for either better or worse. Let’s sort those possibilities out in our wish list. Here’s our optimistic quintet:

1. Rachel gets nominated
Surprise! Rachel is a pox on humanity, and I wouldn’t mind if Julie Chen ushered her onto a catapult and flung her back to a permanent guest spot on The Bold and the Beautiful. The self-touting “non-floater” remains an awful player, a trigger-happy agitator with no instinct for the winning quality of restraint. Without Brendon she’s as useful a player as Adam, and if you’re rooting for Adam, I have to ban you from your own thoughts. Spoiler time: The new HOH Jeff (who was clearly winning the icy shuttle-run challenge when the episode ended) has little use for Rachel anymore, so I figure he’ll put her up alongside Adam or Kalia. He can’t afford to double-cross Daniele just yet, can he?

2. Jeff builds a serious camaraderie with Daniele
Now that Daniele has confessed her early-game mistakes to Jeff and Jordan, it’s time for Daniele to replace Rachel as that duo’s go-to consultant. This way, the three of them can start chiseling away at the two-faced conspirators like Shelly and Adam, who deserve to go home before Jeff. Though I consider Jordan the biggest floater in the game thanks to the safeguard that Jeff and Rachel provide her, I’d still respect Jeff for protecting her, teaming with Daniele, and picking off the riffraff.

3. Shelly motors, bucks all her alliances, and starts a weird new underground alliance with everyone again.
I think the best thing you can do after being called out for duplicitous gaming is to get more duplicitous. I want Shelly to use her Homecoming Queen charm, rope in every remaining houseguest in individual staring contests, and force them into candid dialogues for the rest of the game. Shelly has shown hints of smart, longterm planning, and now would be a great time to truly strike out as a vagabond. Sorry to Shelly’s daughter Josie, but this means plenty more lying for mama. Avert your glance.

4. Jordan remains in the humilitard for the next 40 years of her life.
It fits her so well! Work that Baby Bop color palette, ma’am.

5. Porsche becomes a key player
If Big Brother 13 is Cruel Intentions, then Porsche is Selma Blair’s character Cecile, the laughably unwitting pawn in the show’s sinister grudge-match. But truth is, I find Porsche a (semi-)decisive player with potential to rally troops. Remember when she told Rachel to stop with “the sad thing”? How immortal was that? I dig Porsche as a member of Daniele’s rebel brigade, and although she had no prayer of toppling Jeff in Sunday’s HOH challenge (though she tried like hell), I want to see her rise like a fast-learning lass in a Victorian bildungsroman. I want her to stun the other houseguests with her new-found wisdom. Her ambition. Her willpower. I mostly just want her to matter.

What did you think of Thursday’s elimination and news of a double-eviction next week? Who’s sure to get the boot? Rachel? Adam? My scheme queen Daniele? Are you waiting for anyone new to emerge as a dynamic player? Leave your thoughts in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow my darling Twitter feed at @louisvirtel!