Big Brother Recap: Braywatch

Think for a moment about the screen-time Rachel hogged on Sunday night’s Big Brother. It was a hearty amount, right? Right. Now: Can you think of a single thing that Rachel, our braying Bray-WOWW, said? You probably can’t, because Rachel is the Big Brother equivalent of Flipper. She’s the loudest squealer and the star, but she leaves most of the intelligence to her human costars. She claps and leaps during HOH challenges and uses a sixth sense (echolocation) to stay ahead in the game, but it’s time for the newbies to stop throwing her treats.

We begin the episode on a pitiful note. Since Rachel’s taken over HOH again, many of the other houseguests are scrambling. Lawon is shaking in his Batman villain suit and Dominic is quivering in one of the outfits his mother bought him. But when Rachel clambers into the living room begging the others to visit her new HOH room, she’s met with silence. Where are the houseguests? Are they gone? Did they evaporate? Did Rachel invent all of them? Nope — they’re just hiding from her! Aww, guys! Shelly jumps out from behind a door and pelts Rachel with a pillow. They all pelt her with pillows! I got caught up and pelted her with a gun. Everyone’s having a great time.

After Adam caucuses with Rachel and Brendon to discuss their old alliance, the houseguests embark on a Luxury Challenge. This means no Haves and Have-Nots for the week, which means Shelly and Kalia won’t have to eat bowls of charred mash for the 80th day running. The challenge works like this: A mysterious man featured on the new CBS series Same Name appears and tells the houseguests to use clues to guess his name, which he shares with a celebrity. Ooh! Titillating! The roomies love network cross-promotion! Maybe next week cast members from The Young and the Restless can enact a vase fight in the diary room.

The first clue to the Same Name dude’s identity: a tray holding soaps and a pair of fancy binoculars. The 11 players think hard, which nearly kills Porsche. Jordan’s the first to arrive at a guess, as she pieces together “Bay” from the soaps and “watch” from the binoculars to get “Baywatch.”

“Who’s the guy who plays Mitch Buchannon on Baywatch?” Jordan asks Jeff. She is the only person on Earth who remembers the name “Mitch Buchannon” and not “David Hasselhoff.” (I envy that, actually.) She places her guess in the confessional booth and rejoins the game. The next clues include a microphone and a knight holding a lifeguard’s float. Hmmmm. The other houseguests have guesses.

“Michael C. Hall!” says Brendon.
“Michael Jackson!” sputters Porsche.
“Ricky Martin?” says Adam.
“Barbra Streisand!” concludes Lawon.
“Mike Knight!” deduces Brendon. (I guess that’s a retired boxer.)
“Keira Knightley!” brays Bray-WOWW. Slow clap.
“John Stamos!” says Dominic. “Mark Wahlberg!”
“Brian McKnight!” Porsche prattles, her eyes barely focusing like a member of the Manson family.

Lo and behold, we’re put out of our misery and the real David Hasselhoff appears at the front door of the house in a Knight Rider replica car. Yep, our girl Jordan called it in 0.29 seconds. When the houseguests show him around the residence and lead him to the Have-Not asylum room, he quips, “I was here once!” Too true. He confirms that Jordan guessed his name first and allows her to choose three friends to hang out in a designated “luxury space” and watch the premiere episode of Same Name. If the definition of “luxury” is watching a CBS show and enjoying a highball, then I know a few million 76-year-olds who live lavish existences. Much to Rachel’s chagrin, Jordan picks Jeff, Shelly and Kalia for the experience — which is understandable considering those ladies’ past in the Have-Not games.

But of course, Rachel understands nothing. She bawls with Brendon, bemoans Jordan’s awful gameplay, and starts a loud fight with Brendon in her HOH bedroom. The others, like the constantly glowering Daniele, overhear and mock them. And so do I! Here with you. We’re all locked in the Big Brother compound of the internet. Pleased to bray alongside you.

Dominic makes a last-minute appeal to Brendon and Rachel before the nomination ceremony, and while it looks like he’s made an impression by invoking Daniele’s name, Rachel ends up nominating Adam and him anyway. It’s the right move, frankly. Dominic is too good a player to let slide, and Brendon is “risking his [bleeping] Ph.D. to be here”! Rachel can’t risk her fiance’s prestige. It costs as much as the special effects in David Hasselhoff’s video for “Jump In My Car.” Nearly three figures.

What did you think of last night’s episode? Are Brenchal unstoppable? Is Dominic doomed? Is Shelly secretly playing the best game? Does David Hasselhoff need to wear black designer jeans like that? Hit me up in the comments, read me regularly at Movieline.com, and follow me on Twitter at @louisvirtel!