Big Brother Recap: Zing for the Moment

Yes, yes, we’ll get to the freakish results of the Power Of Veto competition in a short spell, but wait: Did Big Brother just bring back Zingbot 3000, the wisecracking robot who enters the manse for no reason, hurls insults at the remaining houseguests, and proclaims “ZING” after each punchline? Well, I’ll be: It’s the most human advancement of the season! Forget this dreary episode and the humiliating P.O.V. aftermath — we just watched these eight comatose bodies jolt to life thanks to the power of mockery. Lesson learned: We do God’s work when we call Rachel a braying hyena demon. …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: Total Soap Opera

I repeat the same five words before every athletic challenge on Big Brother: “It’s like the Soulless Olympics!” “Oh no. Jeff’s gonna win.” Most of the competitions at Chenbot Manor are suited for swifter, brawnier contestants, and the HOH detergent race on Sunday’s episode was no exception. To see ultra-lean Jeff jaunt into the lead (as we did on Thursday’s episode) wasn’t exciting. In fact, it was scathingly dull. But did he pull through on Sunday’s ep with the win, earning himself the distinction of Head of Household and a gold medal in the Soaptathlon? Join us as we relive the sudsy Sabbath. …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: 5 Wishes for the Week Ahead

I can’t tell whether Thursday’s eviction episode of Big Brother was satisfying or anticlimactic: We dealt with two provocative nominees — Shelly, the bayou belle who forged one too many problematic alliances, and Brendon, who spends his entire life as one half of a problematic alliance. Let’s analyze the elimination …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: Is Shelly Lying to Us?

Wednesday’s Big Brother yielded a cute veto game (with beanbags!) and a couple great Daniele moments (including a delicious last-minute backdooring), but the episode mainly served as an intense psychological examination of Shelly, A.K.A. The Beigest Person On Television. She’s Frappuccino beige, you guys, and damn near Danielle Staub beige. Fascinating lady, this Shelly. Let’s compare notes! …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: Ranking Your New Top 9!

The worst part about Thursday night’s bracing eviction episode of Big Brother, which allowed one eliminated player to fight his/her way back into the game, was not its crummy competition, lame voting results, or Lawon’s frightening use of the words “special powers.” Close, though. It was how predictable it all was, and in the most depressing way possible. …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: It's All Greek to Kalia

The problem with a demented social experiment like Big Brother, where the cameras always roll and the live-feeds percolate day and night, is we know exactly what doesn’t make it to TV. We know what conflicts have been truncated, misrepresented, or eliminated entirely in the edit bay, and in the case of our HOH Kalia’s decision-making this week, we didn’t even get to watch one of her fellow houseguests sway her judgment. And I mean really sway her judgment. …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: 5 Quotes That Made Our Blood Boil

Big Brother is like a mixtape of the most annoying soundbites ever recorded. As far as I’m concerned, Sunday night’s HOH-nomination episode was a medley of wails (Lawon’s), shrieks (Kalia’s), dry heaves (Jordan’s), and crying jags (Rachel’s, and Brendon’s in spirit) — so, a Christina Aguilera album with less bass! While Kalia figured out what to do with her harrowing position as the first newbie HOH, I started racking up quotes that made my blood boil. Perhaps they infuriated you too? Join us for a rundown of the five most unfortunate quotes from Sunday’s noisy hour. READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: 5 Most Promising Moments!

Strap on your stupid elf costume like Adam, because Christmas came early on Thursday’s Big Brother — in the form of five fantastic new developments. After weeks of veteran superiority, I found myself jolted back to life as the credits rolled. Jolted, I say! The kind of electroshock burst that gives you a permanent Evel Dick twitch and Shelly’s burnt sienna complexion. Let’s count down the five best moments from the titillating elimination episode and see how we feel about Julie Chen’s new “twist.” …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: The Daniele-Rachel-Brendon Comedy Hour!

Wednesday night’s episode of Big Brother proved that even the producers only care about three combatants in the house: scrappy Daniele, scrooge-y Brendon, and squawky Rachel. I’m sure you can’t argue. Daniele is our friendly double agent whose verve is wild, but mostly praiseworthy. Do we even have an option for another likable crusader? Professional sigher Jordan? Jive enthusiast Lawon? Rascal kindergartener Porsche? …READ MORE

Big Brother Recap: Downhill Scheming

Here’s where I’m at: If you’re a Brenchel fan, vanish. All right, honey? Go away. Just disappear. Thank you for understanding.

Yesterday’s episode of Big Brother featured so much of Rachel’s self-victimization, Brendon’s pathetic comfort, and Brenchel’s cruel …READ MORE