And the Winner of Celebrity Apprentice Is...

It only took a million two-hour episodes, a flock of mostly clinical contestants, a few hundred thousand Gary Busey acronyms (LUCKY: Living Under Correct Knowledge Yearly), and a finale that sent chills through La Toya Jackson’s little churchmouse spine, but we finally have a winner of Celebrity Apprentice‘s fourth edition. Who’s Trump official new plaything? Scroll through for results. READ MORE

Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Sanity Prevails!

Last night’s penultimate episode of Celebrity Apprentice began with four contenders and concluded with two. The bad news: Neither of them is pointy dragonling La Toya Jackson. The good news: It’s anybody’s game.

My evil commentary will begin in just a second, but first, please indulge the following metaphor: …READ MORE

Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Cry, the Beloved Meat Loaf

Make sure you’re sitting in a comfortable space with a chilled beverage, because I have terrible news: Celebrity Apprentice was three hours long last night. Yes. Like the Today show or one of Gary Busey’s speeches about “heart” and “art,” it tacked on an extra hour without warning. When’s the last time you watched 180 minutes of anything, really? Titanic? Ben-Hur? La Toya Jackson chasing a Slinky? This episode was not nearly as epic as those things, but it did feature three eliminations and two challenges. Who survived and who didn’t? Join us for the rundown. Read More

Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Star Wars!

Donald Trump’s yellow-orange hair thatch turned bright red this weekend after President Obama embarrassed him at the White House Correspondents Dinner. It was poetry in Prismacolor! Obama made crafty Celebrity Apprentice jokes (and namedropped Gary Busey and Meat Loaf), Trump scowled with the lifeless stoicism of Richard Hatch, and America cackled with the fire of almost two Dionne Warwicks. Is Ivanka’s dad finally through with his Obama diatribes? Trump’s not telling yet. He’s keeping it under his thatch! Adding insult to injury for The Donald, last night’s Celeb Apprentice was partially pre-empted on the East Coast with news that Osama bin Laden had been killed. D’oh! READ MORE

Celeb Apprentice Recap: Who Needs Winners?

We’ve gone too long without a Celebrity Apprentice challenge devoted to Donald Trump’s quaint collection of hotels, haven’t we? Those modest bed-and-breakfasts. Those darling little inns. Those humiliating eyesores of rococo opulence and cultural death called the Trump Hotels. They’re so ugly, guys. If you’ve ever wanted to live inside the gold foil on a Wonka Bar (which La Toya Jackson did from ’88-’92), Trump’s doom fortresses are for you. And your classy loved ones. And your ferrets.

We’re already down to eight contestants. Did they sell The Donald’s brand of hospitality right? Join us for the review. READ MORE

Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Grilling Gary Busey

Well, it happened. For the first time last night, I prayed for sanity on Celebrity Apprentice. Prayed! Every week I gawk at these contestants with their microwaved faces and poppycock lives, and I always approve of their senselessness. I danced when Dionne Warwick clucked “Hussy!” at Star Jones! I reveled in Richard Hatch’s murderous stare! I still cherish when La Toya Jackson murmurs like a nervous Muppet Baby (a hybrid of Skeeter and Beaker, arguably). But this week, I couldn’t handle Gary Busey’s team leadership and utter nonsense, and I’m guessing you couldn’t either. Clasp your hands over your face like Meat Loaf, because we have a lot of unbearable nuttiness to review. READ MORE

Celeb Apprentice: The Little LaToya That Could

As usual, I found last night’s Celebrity Apprentice terrifying. Mark McGrath howled at Gary Busey since he is this Timberwolf, NeNe Leakes’s anger flared up since she is NeNe Leakes, and worst of all, I feared that Trump would fire 54-year-old preteen LaToya Jackson. How I fretted! How I shivered! Celebrity Apprentice without LaToya Jackson is like American Idol without Steven Tyler’s gnarled smirk: a funless, glamor-free depression. …READ MORE

Celebrity Apprentice Recap: Meat Loaf Goes Bad

First, the bad news: There’s no way another episode of Celebrity Apprentice this season can top last night’s. Not a chance. Not even if the challenge is “Who can make Don Trump Jr. cry the fastest?” or “Who can defeat Marla Maples in a Muay Thai match?” The good news: I’m still cackling, writhing, and crying like Meat Loaf at an unsuccessful anger management class. Such an incredible episode thanks to Gary Busey’s greatest acronym yet, record-setting donations, and a tirade from Meat Loaf that scared some bats back to hell. Your ears should be perking up like everything on LaToya Jackson’s face. …READ AND WATCH MORE