Sure, any member of The Family Who Shall Not Be Named could summon an exclusive interview with the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse — guaranteed ratings gold! — but at the cost of our mortal souls? I think not!
It would be kind of like when that girl crawled out of the TV in The Ring — only with blonde hair, pearls and a penchant for scolding, self-righteous indignation. In other words, Fox and Friends, we’re begging you to keep her!
Stop trying to make Bethenny happen! She’s not gonna happen! (OK, she happened for a minute, but with the cancelation of her self-titled talk show, balance has been restored to the universe.)
If the show’s producers want to drown out the entire View panel on a regular basis, they could just switch on a half-dozen blenders filled with nails every 90 seconds. It’d certainly be cheaper than hiring the Sex and the City star/standup comic — and possibly less grating, too.
Girlfriend could barely handle reading off a teleprompter during a stint as The Voice‘s social-media correspondent. “Hot Topics” may not be Meet the Press, but we can’t help but worry that five days a week of intense, unscripted discourse could shatter Milian’s cerebral cortex.
Anyone From The Bachelor/Bachelorette Franchise Ever
ABC does love some good, corporate synergy, but potential applicants for the job really should have higher IQs than the coffee mugs in front of them. Also: Could we ever really be sure any of ’em were THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS?
In the ScreechDome of The View‘s sound stage, the venerable domestic goddess’ stern, silent glances of disapproval would be as out-of-place as a hand-torched crème brûlée on a prison mess-hall menu. Plus, you know Martha doesn’t tolerate co-workers who can’t properly fold a fitted sheet.
There’s no amount of millions that can make it worth transitioning from “ABC World News anchor” to “replacement for a chick who still thinks the Earth might be flat.” To paraphrase Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost: “Don’t do it, Diane! Your reputation in danger, girl!”
If his inclusion as a “nightmare” replacement host upsets you, then Ross Matthews’ mom, you have our apologies.
Let’s just all agree that “Weight Watchers Spokesperson” is the role that Jessica was born to play, and that any gig requiring more than running through a field of daisies in a little black dress is probably pushing the outer limits of her skill set, yes?
…unless, of course, ABC is OK with a coffee mug puncturing one of its co-host’s foreheads before Christmas.
Think of the children! (Particularly, Kate’s eight young’uns, and their right to some semblance of a life outside the relentless, fame-craving spotlight.) Also: Hair.
If The View‘s producers are determined to find a young, conservative voice for the panel — not a bad idea if the real goal is a diversity of conversational viewpoints — then for heaven’s sake, the least they could do is cast one with a college education.