To kick off the episode, Kaitlyn wraps up Kupah’s untimely elimination by telling him not to get up in people’s faces in the future. His response? “I won’t yell anymore, I promise.” And then he cracks this smile, which does nothing to convince me that his antagonistic days are over.
SO LONG, KUPAH, PT. II
Based on Kaitlyn’s reaction, she has officially dethroned McKayla Maroney as Most Unimpressed Woman on Television. (And yes, that is the first time someone has mentioned McKayla Maroney since the 2012 Summer Olympics.)
AND THE TONY AWARD FOR BEST MONOLOGUE GOES TO…
While explaining to us the many reasons he deserves to be on (and possibly win?) The Bachelorette, Tony delivers a spoken-word Match.com profile: “I see the world through the eyes of a child. I have the heart of a warrior, and a gypsy soul.” But if you missed that monologue, don’t worry. It will come up again — almost verbatim — later in the show.
To kick off a sumo-wrestling group date, the contestants are woken up by this visual. It may or may not haunt their dreams (and mine) for days to come.
NO BUTTS ABOUT IT
If you read the synopsis of tonight’s episode and chose to tune in for a glimpse of chiseled booty, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news. I can only present these pixelated behinds — which still look pretty impressive, anyway.
WRESTLING WITH EMOTIONS
Tony is right that he has the soul of a gypsy, in that he wanders from one opinion to the next faster than you can say, “Will you accept this rose?” After giving it his all in the sumo competition — and proudly stating that the professional wrestlers “don’t have any idea who the f—k they’re dealing with,” Tony loses his match in the ring and immediately changes his tune, telling Kaitlyn that he wishes he didn’t have to participate in such an insensitive activity. “I see the world through the eyes of a child,” he tells Kaitlyn, which might be new information to her, but certainly not to all of us at home.
DON’T BE A QUITTER
After abstaining from the second part of the group date (which found the contestants wrestling each other), Tony decides this whole reality TV charade isn’t for him and packs his bags. But hey, that doesn’t make him a quitter, right? “I’m not a quitter. I’m leaving on my terms,” Tony tells us. Riiiiight.
GOODBYE, MY LOVER
And now, a dramatic (and only semi-accurate) retelling of Tony’s final conversation with Kaitlyn:
“So, we’re not going to have any group dates at the zoo, right?”
“No, Tony. We’re not.”
“All right. Bye then.”
Clint, meanwhile, wins the wrestling competition handily, and makes a group of strangers take a selfie with him while cheering, “Clint is a nightmare!” I feel like that statement is more true than Clint wants it to be.
KISS & TELL
Let’s face it: Shawn’s going to win this thing, right?
SWEET DREAMS ARE NOT MADE OF THESE
Hey guys! I found something even creepier than the sumo wrestler wake-up call!
MAKE SOME ROOM
For their one-on-one date, masterminded by host Chris Harrison, Kaitlyn and Ben Z. must complete an extra-creepy Escape the Room exercise, which immediately sends Kaitlyn into a panic. (“What if there are birds in there?!”) (But there actually were birds in there, so she was right to freak out.)
DON’T LET THE BED-PEOPLE BITE
And, in addition to the birds, Kaitlyn and Ben’s Room of Nightmares includes snakes, maggots, a toilet full of murky water… and this mysterious dude in a sheet, who periodically sits up and scares the crap out of everyone. My guess? It’s actually Tony, begging Kaitlyn to reconsider the whole zoo thing.
BROS BEFORE… WELL, YOU KNOW
After Clint fails to score any post-group date face time with Kaitlyn, he admits that she’s probably not the girl for him… and chooses a bromance — or possibly just romance? — with JJ instead. They talk about popping each other’s zits. In the shower.
HOT FOR TEACHER
On a second group date — in which the guys have to explain puberty to elementary schoolers (who are actually just child actors pranking the dudes) — Ryan B. drops this quasi-wisdom about the clitoris: “It’s what makes women want to have sex with you again.” A valiant effort, but Ryan may need to retake a sex ed class of his own.
HOT FOR TEACHER, PT. II
My thoughts on this group date are summed up perfectly by this photo.
AND THE PLAYERS GONNA PLAY, PLAY, PLAY, PLAY, PLAY
Before the rose ceremony, Clint apologizes to Kaitlyn for not talking to her one-on-one, then plants a wet one on her… but it’s all part of a bigger plan. If Kaitlyn gives Clint a rose, he’ll be able to stay in the house with JJ — and suddenly, I’m longing to have Kupah back in the house.