Before introducing a highlight reel that showed only the most unattractive parts of Kaitlyn and Britt’s personalities, host Chris Harrison explained why the two-girl twist was introduced this season. In short: Instead of upsetting half of the male contestants by making their dream girl unavailable, ABC decided they’d rather just upset one already-scorned woman and break her heart again. How far we’ve come, eh, ladies?
PLANTING THE SEEDS OF LOVE?
It wasn’t enough for professional healer Tony to just tell us that he’s a sensitive guy. He could only drive the point home by talking to his plants (“Hi, babies”) and giving them goodbye kisses. I’m suddenly worried he might want The Bachelorette’s roses more than he actually wants the girl.
GETTING HOT IN HERRE
Hmmm… something tells me this won’t be the last time we see law student/exotic dancer Josh show off his abs. Just a hunch.
A ‘SUPER’ FIRST IMPRESSION
If Arrow‘s Brandon Routh and Supernatural‘s Jared Padalecki combined to form one strong-jawed hybrid person, it would be restaurant manager Jared. Combine that with his love for superheroes, and we might just be looking at the next star of The CW’s Legends of Tomorrow.
50 SHADES OF KAITLYN
Lady Gaga might need to step in and teach Kaitlyn a thing or two about her p-p-p-poker face. When the first batch of guys seemed more interested in Britt, Kaitlyn threw shade all over that patio. (Britt, of course, would have her own jealous moments, but she was a tad better at hiding them.)
Kicking off a series of bad sports puns, former investment banker JJ handed Kaitlyn a hockey puck, before telling her, “I would love to puck you.” Kaitlyn handled the compliment (rather, “compliment”) like a champ, but I’m not sure JJ scored a goal with that line.
GETTING HOT IN HERRE, PT. II
Ah. I was right.
“I believe in love. The real love. And I’m hoping that the universe provides.” Tony’s first-impression speech to Britt was totally adorable… until he walked the 10 feet to Kaitlyn and delivered the exact same speech. These girls are not like your plants, dude — they can hear you!
Dentist Chris may not have had the most charismatic opening line of the night— you’re better than a sweet-tooth pun! — but his cupcake car was certainly one of the most original.
THREE STRIKES, YOU’RE OUT
Strike 1 for junkyard specialist Ryan: Telling his fellow contestants they sucked, for no discernible reason. Strike 2: Making a pass at Kaitlyn’s backside. And Strike 3, of course, was asking JJ, “Why am I not raping you right now?” after the other man asked why Ryan’s shirt had suddenly come off. Chris Harrison & Co. wasted no time in sending Ryan packing, and the elimination couldn’t have come quickly enough.
HANGING BY A MOMENT
Really, ABC? You couldn’t surprise the audience, just this once, by actually revealing which girl was chosen at the end of this two-hour show? This is why I have trust issues.
The other reason I have trust issues? This conversation between sex coach Shawn — amateur sex coach, might I add — and Britt, in which the contestant went way too in-depth (pardon the pun) about the dangers of anal toys. The word “bowels” was used, and that’s all you really need to know.