In case you need a refresher on where we left things, Ian “I Hate Fart Jokes” Thomson is in the middle of telling Kaitlyn how shallow and surface-level she is.
This is the face of Kaitlyn realizing that her future husband is probably not on this show.
Bye, Ian! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out! (Or do. That might actually be preferable.) As he leaves, Ian tells us via voiceover that he’s “not lame, like the other guys.” So much for being self-aware.
As his 15 Minutes of Fame tick down to the final seconds, Ian tells the home audience that he’s being punished for being an intellectual, and he doesn’t think he’ll have trouble finding a woman who can appreciate his “deepness.” And then he says the least complex sentence he can think of: “Oh, man. I need to have some sex.”
Following Ian’s sudden departure, Nick — who I truly believe can smell when a vulnerable woman is nearby — swoops in to comfort Kaitlyn (with his mouth), telling her that he wants to be the guy that knows her “inside out.” Something tells me this is not the kind of marketing that Pixar’s newest movie was hoping to receive.
Among the suitors who don’t receive a rose during Kaitlyn’s ceremony: Joshua, whose good intentions just weren’t enough to win Kaitlyn’s heart. I would make one final joke about Joshua’s botched haircut, but when he starts crying over his elimination, I just don’t have the heart.
After arriving in Dublin, Ireland, with her suitors, Kaitlyn immediately chooses Nick for the first European one-on-one date. Nick is obviously completely giddy about Kaitlyn’s selection, but the other guys?
And while Nick’s date with Kaitlyn does feature a stroll through the park, an Irish stepdancing performance and a visit to a local pub, it’s mostly just them making out. (I could have captured about 47 screengrabs from the first half of the date alone. Yay?)
After Kaitlyn and Nick spend their entire dinner trying not to push all the plates off the table and do the deed right there, Kaitlyn offers, “Do you want to go back to my hotel and hang out for a bit?”
I do believe Nick’s reaction says it all.
Back at the hotel with the other guys (because, as you may have forgotten, there are other guys on this show), Jared tells Shawn that he hopes Kaitlyn is having a “s—tty” time on her date with Nick…
…but judging by Kaitlyn’s closed bedroom door (and the heavy breathing coming from behind it), our Bachelorette is having the time of her life right now.
And, even though Kaitlyn and Nick’s bedroom talk is a little icky — “I could get a hold of you. Come here.” — it’s still not as gross as that Joe Millionaire “slurp” fiasco.
Even though Kaitlyn spends the next morning worrying that Nick will spill the details of his night with her to the guys, Nick bends the truth a bit while recalling their date: “We just sat on her couch and talked some more.”
Shawn, as always, looks thrilled.
For her next group date, Kaitlyn plays dead — if corpses, y’know, laughed from their caskets — and asks each of the guys to eulogize her. It’s actually a pretty fun, original (albeit weird) group date….
… until Ben Z. remembers the time that he actually had to deliver a eulogy for his late mother, which brings a very different mood to the date. Nice going, Kaitlyn.
“I feel like I’m supposed to be Irish,” Kaitlyn says after viewing photos of Shawn’s Irish family. “Maybe we can change that,” Shawn replies, before leaning in to kiss her. Uh, they do know that being Irish by marriage isn’t a thing, right?
Despite her chemistry with Shawn, Kaitlyn gives the early group-date rose to Jared. They head to a Catholic Church, where they are transported back to 1993 to hear The Cranberries perform “Linger.” Totally retro, man.
Back at the hotel, though, Shawn is doing the usual brooding thing that he does when Kaitlyn shows any other guy a little attention. “You’re saying she wants Jared over me?” Shawn asks, baffled. Whyyyyy does every episode of this show have to end with a good guy turning into a jerk?
Shawn heads up to Kaitlyn’s hotel room for a pre-rose ceremony chat, and even though he doesn’t know anything about Kaitlyn’s tryst with Nick, Kaitlyn assumes that’s why he’s coming to talk to her. In her confessional, she breaks down, saying she doesn’t know what she’ll do if Shawn leaves “because of a stupid f—king mistake.” And all this time, I thought Kaitlyn was crying because she regretted having sex with Nick in the first place. The Bachelorette, this might be your most misleading edit ever. (Quinn on UnREAL would be so proud.)
Oh, and in case you’re still curious about the fate of Britt and Brady’s relationship, all signs point to “Friend Zone” after Britt introduces Brady to her mom. “You’ve got a great new friend,” Britt’s mom confirms. “Certainly a friend.” Considering Britt is still “trying to figure things out” with Brady after dating him for two months, this relationship might be destined for the Bachelorette junkyard.