The country-popster's opening number – her hit, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" – was the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory that we wished Tim Burton had made. (And was her impersonation of the ex calling to ask for a second chance – complete with British accent – a Harry Styles dis?)
Longest Ramble: LL Cool J
Much as we love the rapper-turned-actor-turned-Grammy host – and we do love him – whose idea was it to let his opening monologue go on for (what felt like) half an hour? "Are you ready for your show?" he finally asked. "Gads," we responded, "we've been ready since we realized you weren't going to sing or tell any jokes."
Biggest Angelina Jolie Moment: Jennifer Lopez
Though the presenter's off-the-shoulder black outfit was pretty tame — "As you can see, I read the memo," she quipped – it was slit all the way up the block. (It certainly appeared to make Jay-Z hot under the collar!) But why, if CBS was going to go to such lengths to try to keep the stars covered up, did producers "flash" a picture of J.Lo in the slit-down-to-there dress that Pitbull joked had "inspired the memo"?
The Leather and Lace Award For Biggest Mismatch (Early Show Edition): Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley
Unlike most prom dates, Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley didn't coordinate their outfits ahead of time: For their (lovely) performance, she wore sequins; he, a T-shirt and jeans. They're so not gonna be happy when they get their yearbooks.
Best Waterproofing: fun.
We've seen Shakespeare in the Park shut down for a mere drizzle. So it was quite a surprise when the Best New Artist nominees' performance of "Carry On" was accompanied by a downpour.
Best Do Not Adjust Your Set Moment: Justin Timberlake
The comeback kid's performance of "Suit and Tie" was broadcast in black-and-white. Still not as memorable a song as, say, "Sexyback," but a cool effect nonetheless. (Nothing classes up a show like a little B&W.)
Best Justin Bieber Impersonation: Hunter Hayes
Almost an hour in, we finally figured out that that cute girly-chap the camera kept panning to wasn't the Biebs at all, it was the Best New Artist nominee. And where was Selena Gomez seated? Hmm…
Most-Watched Reaction Shot: Chris Brown
Admit it: Weren't your eyes glued to the notoriously volatile singer when not he but Frank Ocean was announced as the winner for Best Urban Contemporary Album? At least he kept it together, clapping his hands rather than pitching a hissy.
Cutest Fan: Taylor Swift
Bless her heart, the country darling is the antithesis of the jaded celeb. Whether singing along with Mumford & Sons or cheering for fun., she always looked like she was having the time of her life.
Cutest Acceptance Speech: fun.
Claiming the group's Song of the Year trophy for "We Are Young," frontman Nate Ruess joked that he didn't know what he was thinking when he wrote the chorus. "If this is in HD, everyone can see our faces, and we are not young." (And how sweet was the reaction of band member Jack Antonoff's gf, Lena Dunham?)
Best Steven Tyler Impersonation: Johnny Depp
Or maybe he borrowed his get-up from the Pirates of the Caribbean collection? Either way, it seemed silly as hell that CBS hyped his appearance so hard when he was only gonna be on stage long enough to introduce Mumford & Sons.
Funniest Funny Lady: Ellen DeGeneres
Introducing Justin Timberlake and Jay-Z with the rapper's wife, Beyonce, the talk-show host didn't have to do anything but look at the diva to make her crack up. File under: "You know you're hilarious when… " (Didn't DeGeneres' better half, Portia de Rossi, beaming in the audience, look like a younger, hotter Hillary Rodham Clinton?)
Most Exuberant Acceptance Speech: Kelly Clarkson
After hugging nearly the entire audience and apologizing to kids everywhere for making a booze joke, the Best Pop Vocal Album Grammy winner admitted that she had no idea who Miguel was but called his performance "the sexiest damn thing I've ever seen" and hit him up for a duet. Every step of the way, we were charmed.
Most Unexpected Sheila E Moment: Alicia Keys
It's a good thing the R&B powerhouse started her performance of "Girl On Fire" with Maroon 5 by playing the drums. The impressive feat might keep her out of hot water with the network for the little bit of underboob her dress revealed. (Oops.)
Biggest Crowd Scene: The Black Keys
For the duo's performance of "Lonely Boy," they were joined on stage by the Preservation Hall Jazz Band, Dr. John in a bigass Mardi Gras headdress and… wait, were those Katy Perry's knockers again? (Forgive her, CBS. There really is just no containing Katy Perry's knockers.)
Biggest Mismatch (Late Show Edition): Jack White
As Mom might say, "Well, it's a look." From the neck up, the White Stripes singer was channeling Sweeney Todd. But from the neck down, it was Elvis: The Later Years. Good thing he's mad talented.
Best Blooper: That Guitar
When Katy Perry and her girls came out in arguably the most revealing get-up of the night, guitar reverb off stage gave the impression that she had triggered some kind of CBS censor alarm. It had not.
Best Mash-Up: Bruno Mars, Sting, Rihanna and Ziggy Marley
Their energetically choreographed, enthusiastically sung tribute to reggae great Bob Marley was a real eye-opener. And, after being told 100 times about the evening's many Twitter possibilities – zzzz – we really kinda needed an eye-opener.
Best Special Effect: Carrie Underwood
Powerful as her voice is, she was upstaged on "Two Black Cadillacs" by her own dress: a gray princess gown on which one eye-popping design after another was projected. Wowza!
Most Questionable Fashion Choice: Prince (For Starters… )
The former glyph raided Nicole Scherzinger's closet, then completed his ensemble by borrowing Bates' cane from Downton Abbey's wardrobe department. But he wasn't the only one taking a fashion risk. Adele accepted her Best Solo Performance Grammy in a dress made of floral wallpaper; John Mayer wore blue velvet curtains; Lena Dunham partied in a lemon; and – holy crap! – Wiz Khalifa's shirt wasn't a shirt, that was all tats?!
Biggest Head-Scratcher: Frank Ocean
Sure, it was cool the way the buzzed-about Grammy winner performed "Forrest Gump" behind a screen that made it look like his lower torso never stopped running. But, um, is the song actually about "Forrest Gump"? What next, J.Lo performing "Patch Adams"? Elton John singing "Mrs. Doubtfire"?
Biggest Dis: LL Cool J
The emcee finally came alive during his close-of-show performance… only to have it interrupted by plugs for the Grammys' sponsors. Ouch.