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Quotes of the Week: Best Zingers From...
The Screen Actors Guild Awards
"I don't feel at all SAG-gy. I feel quite perky, actually!"
Helen Mirren, having already made flirty banter about the Screen Actors Guild Awards' nude statue, expressing how "uplifting" her win is
Parks and Recreation
"Tom put all my records into this rectangle. The songs just play one after the other! This is an excellent rectangle! "
Ron (Nick Offerman), describing an ipod
The Vampire Diaries
"How am I the only person on the planet who's not having scandalous sex?"
Caroline (Candice Accola), lamenting her lack of nookie -- just minutes before getting it on in the woods with Klaus (Joseph Morgan)
White Collar
"We both have so much in common beyond looking great in silk."
A half-naked mistress, bumping into a robe-clad Neal (Matt Bomer) and believing him to be the lover of her married paramour's wife
The Following
"Heather, honey -- you can't just lay there."
Luke (Sam Underwood) -- or is it Mark? No, it's Luke -- chastising his recent kill for not getting herself into the body bag
Trophy Wife
"This is so cool! Mom didn't want me to do yoga until her swami came back from his spirit journey."
Bert (Albert Tsai), enthusiastically responding to his father's inaccurate attempt to teach him "Downward Facing Dog"
Sleepy Hollow
"Please, and risk it being worn ironically by purveyors of artisanal marmalade who discovered it at a local thrift shop? I thank you, no."
Ichabod (Tom Mison), informing Jenny (Lyndie Greenwood) why he won't be getting rid of his signature overcoat anytime soon
Sleepy Hollow (Bonus Quote)
"I choose to forge my fate with you."
Ichabod (Tom Mison) casting his lot with fellow Witness Abbie (Nicole Beharie) as he burns a crucial, yet damning, map
Suburgatory
"Heed this, Dalia: You will undergo nourishment, even if I have to ingest, digest and straight retch this egg dish into your mouth like a ruby-throated hummingbird!"
Dallas (Cheryl Hines), resorting to threats to end her daughter's hunger strike
The Blacklist
"If I tell you, you have to promise me you'll try the fertilized duck eggs: It's a daring and unique dining experience -- you'll think you've died and gone to hell."
Reddington (James Spader), stalling for a second before sharing with Lizzie (Megan Boone) that the presumed-dead suspect she's seeking is hiding out in Budapest
Sherlock
"I've written a blog on the varying tensile strengths of different natural fibers."
"I'm sure there's a crying need for that."
Mrs. Hudson, weighing in on Holmes' boast to Mycroft about his ability to differentiate Icelandic sheep wool from alpaca wool
The Mindy Project
"OK, I know that my ID says that I am 5'10" with blond hair, 110 pounds, with crystal blue eyes. My philosophy is that an ID should be aspirational."
Mindy (Mindy Kaling), explaining her embellished driver's license to the U.S. Marine who's just detained her
Looking
"I would so love to do that. Do you think my 6-month-old patient who has the heart defect, do you think she would mind?"
"Whatever, she's just doing it for attention."
"I know. She's so manipulative. She's always like, 'Ow! My heart! Pay attention to meeee! Over here! I'm a baby!'"
Doris (Lauren Weedman), rejecting roommate Dom (Murray Bartlett)'s invite to stay home and watch The View
Community
"Knock-knock, who's there, bitch? Floor! Flooooor!"
Britta (Gillian Jacobs), vanquishing Jeff during a school-wide game of Hot Lava
Castle
"...The crazy fans, the constant scrutiny, the pressure of living your life under a microscope.... I can relate. On a smaller scale, of course, but..."
"And who are you...?"
"On a much smaller scale...."
Castle (Nathan Fillion) plays (and loses) the fame game with pop tart Mandy (Alexandra Chando)
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
"She's not scared. With all due respect, sir -- Gina has no feelings."
"She once said the best comedy of all time was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."
Amy (Melissa Fumero) and Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) describing Gina's (Chelsea Peretti) disposition to Holt (Andre Braugher) after her house gets broken into and she claims to be afraid.
Bones
"I pity the men who aren't married to you, Bones."
Booth (David Boreanaz), after wife Brennan (Emily Deschanel) responds to his rhetorical comment about the inventor of waffles with a detailed history lesson
American Idol
"It's for people who fly commercial: You wouldn't know, Jennifer. When I'm not on the Greyhound, I occasionally fly coach on Delta!"
Harry Connick Jr, explaining to a befuddled J.Lo his inside joke with a contestant about the main presenter of Delta Airlines' in-flight safety videos
American Horror Story: Coven
"You're just like Halston when he sold his brand at J.C. Penney -- you've forsaken your destiny!"
Myrtle (Frances Conroy), expressing her disappointment over the return of lovebirds Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) and Kyle (Evan Peters)
Downton Abbey
"If we only had moral thoughts, what would the poor churchmen find to do?"
Violet (Maggie Smith), reassuring Isobel (Penelope Wilton) that there's an upside to a tarnished halo
The Screen Actors Guild Awards
"I don't feel at all SAG-gy. I feel quite perky, actually!"
Helen Mirren, having already made flirty banter about the Screen Actors Guild Awards' nude statue, expressing how "uplifting" her win is
Parks and Recreation
"Tom put all my records into this rectangle. The songs just play one after the other! This is an excellent rectangle! "
Ron (Nick Offerman), describing an ipod
The Vampire Diaries
"How am I the only person on the planet who's not having scandalous sex?"
Caroline (Candice Accola), lamenting her lack of nookie -- just minutes before getting it on in the woods with Klaus (Joseph Morgan)
White Collar
"We both have so much in common beyond looking great in silk."
A half-naked mistress, bumping into a robe-clad Neal (Matt Bomer) and believing him to be the lover of her married paramour's wife
The Following
"Heather, honey -- you can't just lay there."
Luke (Sam Underwood) -- or is it Mark? No, it's Luke -- chastising his recent kill for not getting herself into the body bag
Trophy Wife
"This is so cool! Mom didn't want me to do yoga until her swami came back from his spirit journey."
Bert (Albert Tsai), enthusiastically responding to his father's inaccurate attempt to teach him "Downward Facing Dog"
Sleepy Hollow
"Please, and risk it being worn ironically by purveyors of artisanal marmalade who discovered it at a local thrift shop? I thank you, no."
Ichabod (Tom Mison), informing Jenny (Lyndie Greenwood) why he won't be getting rid of his signature overcoat anytime soon
Sleepy Hollow (Bonus Quote)
"I choose to forge my fate with you."
Ichabod (Tom Mison) casting his lot with fellow Witness Abbie (Nicole Beharie) as he burns a crucial, yet damning, map
Suburgatory
"Heed this, Dalia: You will undergo nourishment, even if I have to ingest, digest and straight retch this egg dish into your mouth like a ruby-throated hummingbird!"
Dallas (Cheryl Hines), resorting to threats to end her daughter's hunger strike
The Blacklist
"If I tell you, you have to promise me you'll try the fertilized duck eggs: It's a daring and unique dining experience -- you'll think you've died and gone to hell."
Reddington (James Spader), stalling for a second before sharing with Lizzie (Megan Boone) that the presumed-dead suspect she's seeking is hiding out in Budapest
Sherlock
"I've written a blog on the varying tensile strengths of different natural fibers."
"I'm sure there's a crying need for that."
Mrs. Hudson, weighing in on Holmes' boast to Mycroft about his ability to differentiate Icelandic sheep wool from alpaca wool
The Mindy Project
"OK, I know that my ID says that I am 5'10" with blond hair, 110 pounds, with crystal blue eyes. My philosophy is that an ID should be aspirational."
Mindy (Mindy Kaling), explaining her embellished driver's license to the U.S. Marine who's just detained her
Looking
"I would so love to do that. Do you think my 6-month-old patient who has the heart defect, do you think she would mind?"
"Whatever, she's just doing it for attention."
"I know. She's so manipulative. She's always like, 'Ow! My heart! Pay attention to meeee! Over here! I'm a baby!'"
Doris (Lauren Weedman), rejecting roommate Dom (Murray Bartlett)'s invite to stay home and watch The View
Community
"Knock-knock, who's there, bitch? Floor! Flooooor!"
Britta (Gillian Jacobs), vanquishing Jeff during a school-wide game of Hot Lava
Castle
"...The crazy fans, the constant scrutiny, the pressure of living your life under a microscope.... I can relate. On a smaller scale, of course, but..."
"And who are you...?"
"On a much smaller scale...."
Castle (Nathan Fillion) plays (and loses) the fame game with pop tart Mandy (Alexandra Chando)
Brooklyn Nine-Nine
"She's not scared. With all due respect, sir -- Gina has no feelings."
"She once said the best comedy of all time was The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo."
Amy (Melissa Fumero) and Rosa (Stephanie Beatriz) describing Gina's (Chelsea Peretti) disposition to Holt (Andre Braugher) after her house gets broken into and she claims to be afraid.
Bones
"I pity the men who aren't married to you, Bones."
Booth (David Boreanaz), after wife Brennan (Emily Deschanel) responds to his rhetorical comment about the inventor of waffles with a detailed history lesson
American Idol
"It's for people who fly commercial: You wouldn't know, Jennifer. When I'm not on the Greyhound, I occasionally fly coach on Delta!"
Harry Connick Jr, explaining to a befuddled J.Lo his inside joke with a contestant about the main presenter of Delta Airlines' in-flight safety videos
American Horror Story: Coven
"You're just like Halston when he sold his brand at J.C. Penney -- you've forsaken your destiny!"
Myrtle (Frances Conroy), expressing her disappointment over the return of lovebirds Zoe (Taissa Farmiga) and Kyle (Evan Peters)
Downton Abbey
"If we only had moral thoughts, what would the poor churchmen find to do?"
Violet (Maggie Smith), reassuring Isobel (Penelope Wilton) that there's an upside to a tarnished halo
The Screen Actors Guild Awards
"I don't feel at all SAG-gy. I feel quite perky, actually!"
Helen Mirren, having already made flirty banter about the Screen Actors Guild Awards' nude statue, expressing how "uplifting" her win is
