For me, the evening truly began with this shot of Jaden Smith’s face. Like, that expression could not have set the tone for the next two hours any more perfectly. (Bonus points for Kendall Jenner and Kourtney Kardashian being in the background. This is what an actual mental vacuum kooks like, people.)
Roastmaster Kevin Hart was the first to fire at the evening’s easiest target, Selena Gomez: “Selena Gomez couldn’t be here tonight,” he began. “…just because she didn’t want to be here.”
But the far-funnier, albeit slightly more off-color, Gomez joke came courtesy of Natasha Leggero: “Selena Gomez had to f–k you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in show business.”
Leggero, easily one of the night’s MVPs, also gleefully body-shamed her fellow roasters, noting that Hart “looks like someone put 50 Cent in the dryer” and that Snoop Dogg looks like “Shaq’s skeleton.”
SNL‘s Pete Davidson was also out for blood (pun not intended, but I’m leaving it): “Martha Stewart is so old, her first period was the Renaissance.”
He even made this spot-on observation about Shaq: “Thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels at Super Mario. … I'm sorry, please don't eat me.”
And then Jeff Ross called Bieber “the King Joffrey of pop,” and all was right in the world.
Ladies and gentlemen, Martha Stewart: “I believe the bedroom is the most important room in the house, but I don’t have to tell you that, Ludacris. You have three kids with three different women. May I suggest pulling out sometime and finishing on some fine, highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?”
Also, let’s all take a minute to gaze in wonder at Stewart’s top, which she claimed to have beaded herself during an interview on the roast’s pre-show. (Yes, there was a pre-show.)
After testing the waters with a few jokes about ISIS and the “I Can’t Breathe” movement — crickets, obviously — Undateable‘s Chris D’Elia made things personal… with an assault on Bieber’s fashion sense: “For a guy with $200 million, why do you dress like Sharon Stone in the ’90s?”
What began as an attempt to defend Bieber — I think — ended in Will Ferrell (as Anchorman‘s Ron Burgundy) lavishing him with, well, this: “This kid has spunk, moxie… and probably a few other STDs.”
Then it was Justin’s turn to take the stand. He opened with a joke about how Hart was only the roast master because Dave Chapelle wasn’t available… but look who was in the audience!
Wait, look who else was in the audience! Is Katharine McPhee dressed as Karen Cartwright as her character from Hit List?
[Insert Bieber’s ridiculous apology for all of his bad behavior that he’s not really sorry about here.]
And finally, Bieber was reunited with the monkey he abandoned at that zoo in Germany a few years ago. (Stars, they’re just like us!)