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Quotes of the Week from Daily Show
RIZZOLI & ISLES
"Did the autopsy smell follow you in here?!"
"No, but your hormones did."
Maura (Sasha Alexander) "nose" what's bothering pregnant Jane (Angie Harmon)
GAME OF THRONES
"This is Stannis Baratheon, the One True King of the Seven Kingdoms."
"We're not in the Seven Kingdoms. And you're not dressed for this weather."
Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham), exchanging terse words with Mance Rayder (Ciaran Hinds), upon arriving at the latter character's (very cold) camp
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
"It's like giving a woman a c-section who's not pregnant. You won't find what you're looking for, but you will leave a scar."
Jon Stewart, pointing out the ridiculousness of "reparative therapy" -- and one advocate's argument that it tries to bring out the heterosexuality in gay people
ENLISTED
"One day I'm going to beat Pete and then he'll cry… Then I'll probably cry. There'll be a period of disillusionment… I may grow a beard."
Randy (Parker Young), explaining why he keeps competing with his eldest brother
THE BACHELORETTE
"Americans should never come to France and mime -- ever."
Marcus, dropping a truth bomb after a particularly painful group-date activity in Marseille
CHASING LIFE
"Why doesn't he use capital letters?"
"That's how people text."
"No, that's how people write ransom notes."
April (Italia Ricci) explaining modern romance to her grandmother (Rebecca Schull)
CRITICS' CHOICE AWARDS
"I just... came."
Allison Janney, immediately after winning Guest Performer in a Drama Series for her Masters of Sex character who's never had an orgasm.... and proving she's nothing like her TV alter ego
COMEDIANS IN CARS GETTING COFFEE
"And you can drink coffee all day?"
"All day."
"That would give me more horrible anxiety."
"I like the anxiety."
Sarah Jessica Parker and Jerry Seinfeld, discussing the Webcast host's beverage preferences
ORPHAN BLACK
"Just keeping feeding her, Art."
Felix's (Jordan Gavaris) advice on how to stall Helena (Tatiana Maslany)
24
"Wake the bitch up."
Jack (Kiefer Sutherland), instructing Kate to extract intel from critically injured Simone -- even if it means putting the terrorist daughter's life at risk
DEVIOUS MAIDS
"Mom, people aren't allowed to sell their organs."
"Why? People have organs. Rich people need them. Why must the government always stand in the way of the small businessman?"
Genevieve (Susan Lucci), expressing her irritation when son Remi (Drew Van Acker) tries to convince her that buying a replacement kidney would be illegal
AWKWARD
"How did you like your room? Were there any … flowers in the attic?"
Cole (Monty Geer) wondering if Lyssa and her "brother" Tyler hooked up on the ski trip
AWKWARD (Bonus Quote!)
"Judgy Wudgy was a bore."
Tamara (Jillian Rose Reed), tiring of Jenna's critical 'tude
ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK
"I want to look fierce."
"Fierce? Or fierce?"
"Second one."
Red (Kate Mulgrew), telling Sophia (Laverne Cox) what she wants in a makeover
GRACELAND
"Who holds gun to their heads and forces them to take my drugs? No one!"
"Senor Almas, your man held a gun to my head, hooked me on heroin, made me give up my friends and then killed them."
[Almas considers...] "There was that."
Briggs (Danial Sunjata), injecting some hard truth into his sitdown with Caza cartel contact Senor Almas
PLAYING HOUSE
"Prison sounds good! The toilet is right beside your bed. My toilet is so far away!"
A very drunk Mark (Keegan-Michael Key) making friends with a former inmate
PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
"Who is screwing with me? Why am I hearing a violin in my backyard? Who's the fiddler on my frickin' roof?!"
Aria (Lucy Hale) being driven insane by a creepy tune outside her house
SUITS
"If he doesn't stop lying to me, I'm going to cut him looser than Jared's pants after a Subway diet."
Louis (Rick Hoffman) threatening to get rid of a client
UNDATEABLE
"Why do you look like you're in a completely female version of The Hunger Games?"
Danny (Chris D'Elia), teasing Justin (Brent Morin) about his yoga outfit
SALEM
"Peril and threats."
"Many a union has relied on less."
Mary (Janet Montgomery), cheerfully turning wretched husband George's (Michael Mulheren) dream into a nightmare
RIZZOLI & ISLES
"Did the autopsy smell follow you in here?!"
"No, but your hormones did."
Maura (Sasha Alexander) "nose" what's bothering pregnant Jane (Angie Harmon)
GAME OF THRONES
"This is Stannis Baratheon, the One True King of the Seven Kingdoms."
"We're not in the Seven Kingdoms. And you're not dressed for this weather."
Ser Davos (Liam Cunningham), exchanging terse words with Mance Rayder (Ciaran Hinds), upon arriving at the latter character's (very cold) camp
THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
"It's like giving a woman a c-section who's not pregnant. You won't find what you're looking for, but you will leave a scar."
Jon Stewart, pointing out the ridiculousness of "reparative therapy" -- and one advocate's argument that it tries to bring out the heterosexuality in gay people
ENLISTED
"One day I'm going to beat Pete and then he'll cry… Then I'll probably cry. There'll be a period of disillusionment… I may grow a beard."
Randy (Parker Young), explaining why he keeps competing with his eldest brother
THE BACHELORETTE
"Americans should never come to France and mime -- ever."
Marcus, dropping a truth bomb after a particularly painful group-date activity in Marseille
CHASING LIFE
"Why doesn't he use capital letters?"
"That's how people text."
"No, that's how people write ransom notes."
April (Italia Ricci) explaining modern romance to her grandmother (Rebecca Schull)
CRITICS' CHOICE AWARDS
"I just... came."
Allison Janney, immediately after winning Guest Performer in a Drama Series for her Masters of Sex character who's never had an orgasm.... and proving she's nothing like her TV alter ego
COMEDIANS IN CARS GETTING COFFEE
"And you can drink coffee all day?"
"All day."
"That would give me more horrible anxiety."
"I like the anxiety."
Sarah Jessica Parker and Jerry Seinfeld, discussing the Webcast host's beverage preferences
ORPHAN BLACK
"Just keeping feeding her, Art."
Felix's (Jordan Gavaris) advice on how to stall Helena (Tatiana Maslany)
24
"Wake the bitch up."
Jack (Kiefer Sutherland), instructing Kate to extract intel from critically injured Simone -- even if it means putting the terrorist daughter's life at risk
DEVIOUS MAIDS
"Mom, people aren't allowed to sell their organs."
"Why? People have organs. Rich people need them. Why must the government always stand in the way of the small businessman?"
Genevieve (Susan Lucci), expressing her irritation when son Remi (Drew Van Acker) tries to convince her that buying a replacement kidney would be illegal
AWKWARD
"How did you like your room? Were there any … flowers in the attic?"
Cole (Monty Geer) wondering if Lyssa and her "brother" Tyler hooked up on the ski trip
AWKWARD (Bonus Quote!)
"Judgy Wudgy was a bore."
Tamara (Jillian Rose Reed), tiring of Jenna's critical 'tude
ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK
"I want to look fierce."
"Fierce? Or fierce?"
"Second one."
Red (Kate Mulgrew), telling Sophia (Laverne Cox) what she wants in a makeover
GRACELAND
"Who holds gun to their heads and forces them to take my drugs? No one!"
"Senor Almas, your man held a gun to my head, hooked me on heroin, made me give up my friends and then killed them."
[Almas considers...] "There was that."
Briggs (Danial Sunjata), injecting some hard truth into his sitdown with Caza cartel contact Senor Almas
PLAYING HOUSE
"Prison sounds good! The toilet is right beside your bed. My toilet is so far away!"
A very drunk Mark (Keegan-Michael Key) making friends with a former inmate
PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
"Who is screwing with me? Why am I hearing a violin in my backyard? Who's the fiddler on my frickin' roof?!"
Aria (Lucy Hale) being driven insane by a creepy tune outside her house
SUITS
"If he doesn't stop lying to me, I'm going to cut him looser than Jared's pants after a Subway diet."
Louis (Rick Hoffman) threatening to get rid of a client
UNDATEABLE
"Why do you look like you're in a completely female version of The Hunger Games?"
Danny (Chris D'Elia), teasing Justin (Brent Morin) about his yoga outfit
SALEM
"Peril and threats."
"Many a union has relied on less."
Mary (Janet Montgomery), cheerfully turning wretched husband George's (Michael Mulheren) dream into a nightmare
RIZZOLI & ISLES
"Did the autopsy smell follow you in here?!"
"No, but your hormones did."
Maura (Sasha Alexander) "nose" what's bothering pregnant Jane (Angie Harmon)
