"Now Santana and I are like an Almond Joy and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray." — Brittany, lamenting that Quinn's defection to the Skanks ruined the old friends’ Three Musketeers vibe (Episode 1, “The Purple Piano Project”)
"Hello, She-Hulk. Hello, Weepy the Vest-Clown. Hello, Little Miss Golden Marmoset." –Sue greeting Beiste, Schue, and Emma (Episode 2, “I Am Unicorn”)
"You look like a Real Housewife of Reno." –Puck to Skank-ified Quinn (Episode 2, “I Am Unicorn”)
"Will Schuester never did appreciate the gentle tremble of your thin, forgettable alto." –Sue to Quinn (Episode 2, “I Am Unicorn”)
Teacher: What's the capital of Ohio?
(Episode 2, “I Am Unicorn”)
"I kicked a fire hydrant when I found out Ace of Cakes was canceled." –Beiste, explaining her use of crutches (Episode 3, “Asian F”)
"Oh, so you're cool with flushing McKinley High's future down the magical, poop-stealing water chair?" –Brittany, questioning Rachel's vote for Kurt for class president (Episode 3, “Asian F”)
Santana calling Finn a "bacon-wrapped bug-eyed hypocrite," and a "double-stuffed, fatty, gassy, McGravypants." (Episode 4, “Pot of Gold”)
"People's Choice would've gotten you to third base." –Rachel, clarifying her policy of waiting until she wins a Tony Award to lose her virginity (Episode 5, “The First Time”)
"It was like being smothered by a sweaty, out-of-breath sack of potatoes that somebody soaked in body spray." –Santana, describing sex with Finn (Episode 5, “The First Time”)
"I haven't been this worried about a vote since Lambert Vs. Allen." –Rachel, agonizing over the election for senior class president (Episode 7, “I Kissed a Girl”)
"I started the Dalton branch of Fight Club, which I obviously can't talk about." –Blaine (Episode 8, “Hold on to Sixteen”)
Kurt: "I don't like your smirky, meerkat face. I don't like your obnoxious CW hair.”
Sebastian: "One of us has a hard-luck case of the gayface, and it ain't me."
(Episode 8, “Hold on to 16”)
"I think these are the end times." –Mercedes dropping a hilariously deadpan punch line mid-Christmas special (Episode 9, “Extraordinary Merry Christmas”)
"I thought we agreed that a 'Things We Did Wrong This Week' list was hurting more than helping." –Finn, as Rachel approaches him with an unidentified list (Episode 9, “Extraordinary Merry Christmas”)
"Sweet, sexy, handi-capable like me, with a voice as velvety as my favorite Sunday church dress." –Becky, describing Artie's attributes (in her Helen Mirren inner voice) (Episode 10, “Yes/No”)
"I've never seen lips like that on a white child, and one of your nipples is higher than the other." –Coach Roz, getting her first look at Sam (Episode 10, “Yes/No”)
“What was your big move then: A Jumbotron that said 'Hey, Terri, I wanna make a fake baby with you'?" –Santana, wondering about the start of Mr. Schue's ill-fated first marriage (Episode 10, “Yes/No”)
Kurt: I'm trying to keep the flames from shooting out of the side of my face.
Santana: Well, that outfit isn't helping.
(Episode 11, “Michael”)
Hiram: LeRoy, we agreed to sing it straight, no vocal runs: That's how Jennifer Hudson got kicked off of American Idol.
LeRoy: I would love to hear you sing something straight.
(Episode 13, “Heart”)
"An ice-water bath, a la Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest: The height of glamour." –Rachel describing one part of her intensive nighttime beauty ritual (Episode 13, “Heart”)
"It also wouldn't kill you to let Kurt stop picking out all your clothes." –Cooper, weighing in on Blaine's often painful threads (Episode 15, “Big Brother”)
"It's springtime. I would like to see something give birth." –Brittany, brainstorming ideas for senior skip day (Episode 15, “Big Brother”)
"I have no idea who Porcelain is referring to: I'm assuming it's gay and niche." — Sue responding to Kurt's complaint that she was meaner than Bravo TV's Tabatha Takes Over (Episode 15, “Big Brother”)
"I have OCD. I throw away a broom after I've used it once, and you think I'm gonna get married at a campground?" –Emma, rejecting Schue's latest idea for a wedding locale (Episode 17, “Dance With Somebody”)
"Joe's really pretty, but I heard she doesn't shave her armpits." –Brittany on Quinn's new (male) crush (Episode 17, “Dance With Somebody”)
"I vowed not to speak with you unless William and Kate got pregnant, Liza passed, or unless one of us was in grave danger." –Rachel, approaching Kurt's locker before their NYADA auditions (Episode 18, “Choke”)
"I spent the weekend sending your photo to ivory poachers who could make an absolute fortune selling your enormous white teeth on the black market." –Sue, spewing venom at Roz (Episode 18, “Choke”)
"I don't even know if I'm welcome in Chicago after I body-slammed Refrigerator Perry in a bar fight." –Beiste, making excuses for not chaperoning New Directions at Nationals (Episode 20, “Props”)
"Thank you, Mrs. Hagberg: Go softly into that good night." –Principal Figgins, offering unintentionally ominous good wishes to a retiring colleague (Episode 21, “Nationals”)
What were your favorite zingers from Season 3 of Glee? Sound off in the comments!