Dancing With the Stars: Our Fantasy (Ringer-Free) Cast for Season 18
U.S. Slopestyle Silver Medalist
Admit it: You’ve wanted him back on your TV screen ever since he came back from Sochi, Russia with a quartet of adorable puppies. Why not put his athleticism to the test in a completely different kind of athletic arena?
She knows how to walk — w.a.l.k, walk, honey! — but can she dance? And hold the phone — no, seriously, hold onto it — can you imagine the drama if she got paired with Maks? Make it happen, reality TV gods!
Former American Idol/The X Factor Judge
OK, so The X Factor didn’t really catch on in the U.S. But since you know the cranky Brit’s ego won’t allow a full-fledged retreat back across the pond, what better place to begin a comeback than a competing network’s biggest reality hit? Plus, watching Simon get judged — instead of doing the judging — would be delish.
One of the greatest — and most graceful — athletes ever to grace the planet. Surely, there’s a plethora of “Advantage, Ms. Evert” puns for Bruno and Carrie Ann to share!
Living Legend/Host of RuPaul’s Drag Race
The drag superstar might have an edge over most of the guys by virtue of his comfort level with sequins, fringe and feathers. But at 53 (!) Ru could hardly be considered a ringer for the title.
Food Network’s Barefoot Contessa
Just like butter, Ina makes everything more delicious, sophisticated and decadent. Yes, America, it’s time to turn up the volume on flavor — DWTS flavor, to be exact.
Host of The Bachelor
Most of America wants Juan Pablo to crawl back under a rock (where he can whisper “it’s OK” to himself) after ABC’s reality dating competition wraps in a couple weeks. But that got us thinking: Why not give the show’s longstanding emcee a little something to do to bridge the gap till summer’s precious jewel Bachelor Pad comes back. (Yes, we refuse to believe it won’t happen!)
Adorable southern fella proved the limberness of his arms over 18 seasons of Major League Baseball, but what about the rest of his booty body?
DWTS is in a bit of a rut with its constant focus on former NFL stars and Olympians. Why not shake it up by raiding another sport — horse racing — and casting one of its toughest, California-based competitors? Sutherland’s comfy in front of a camera, too: She was part of the cast of HBO’s ill-fated Luck.
All My Children Star/TV Personality
Kelly Ripa’s hubby raised his acting profile with a role on Amazon’s Alpha House, but his general-purpose charm as a talk-show host and guest would likely catapult him to fan-fave status — as long as he doesn’t prove to have two left feet.
The View host/Societal scourge
Because every season needs someone to root against.
Lady Miss Kier
Lead Singer, Deee-Lite
She’s going to dance/ She’s going to dance/ She’s going to dance/ And have some fun. Putting it another way: The depth of hula groove/ Moves us to the Nth hoop/ We're gonna groove ’til/ Horton hears a who!