Most Unfortunate Word Choice to Describe One’s Fear of Becoming a Bachelor Pad Singleton: “Like, if he left, I would be a floater, and I’d probably be the next to go,” said Jaclyn, after Ed threatened to quit the game.
These Are Actual Human Beings! (Part 1): Slathered in ice-cream foam and climbing a ladder that looked like it was partially made out of raw bacon, the ladies began the challenge.
These Are Actual Human Beings! (Part 2): They continued onward, dripping ice-cream foam and sliding down a chocolate-covered ramp.
I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for Ice Cream: “Oh ice cream, would you look what they’ve done to you!” (Nope, no sympathy for Jaclyn, who could’ve walked away from the challenge if she had any dignity left to value.)
He’d Have Done Better If They’d Replaced the Chocolate With Gin and Women: Not judging, just stating facts here, as Ed brings up the rear in the challenge.
Phrase No Straight Dude Would Utter (Unless Prompted by Bachelor Pad Producers: “It’s my turn to get into the nut sack,” David recounted in the confessional.
The “Somebody’s Had Very Limited Life Experience” Prize: “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me,” said Ed, collapsing in a heap during Hot Sludge Fundae challenge. I mean, dude was covered in hot fudge. How awful could it have really been?
The Marlin Perkins Prize for Best Candid Footage of Beasts in Their Natural Setting: Ed sloppily carrying Jaclyn like a 100-lb. sack of sugar on their way to a bedroom “encounter.”
Facial Expression That Best Mirrors My Own Feelings About the Ed-Jaclyn Hookup: Congrats, Sarah! (Can’t you almost hear her slurring her disbelief?)
Continuing the Wild Kingdom Theme: The cameras followed Ed and Jaclyn to their boudoir, right up until the moment she threw a duvet over the entire tragic situation, and we were left nothing but horrifying audio.
Saddest Quote-Visual Combo (Nominee #1): “I’m so happy ’cause I didn’t get a chance to go to my senior prom,” said Jamie, arriving at a three-woman/one-man date featuring a sad vegetable platter, cardboard anchor decoration, and single ceremonial rose on a wooden tray.
Saddest Life Accomplishment: “Finally, someone chose me [to get a rose on a Bachelor group date],” said a delighted Jamie, after being selected by common “fan” David as his “prom queen.” (Erica Rose still had the tiara, though.)
Saddest Quote-Visual Combo (Nominee #2): “I just wanna fall in love on TV and show my kids and show all of America,” said Jamie, moments before getting this two-word rejection from nasty himbo Chris.
Okay, ABC, That Is ENOUGH A sobbing Jamie — further hindered by 20 lbs of false eyelashes — then went on and wept that all she really wanted was a family with whom she could spend the holidays (!). And here I figured the network did psych screens before accepting contestants on Bachelor Pad.) SMDH.
Worst “Power Accessory”: Reid did the bulk of his “mastermind” strategizing while wearing a child’s floatie.
Most Distracting Accessory (Part 1): Anyone else find themselves totally mesmerized during the Reid-Jaclyn confrontation by the massive bruise on Jaclyn’s thigh?
Most Distracting Accessory (Part 2): Those blue fingernails!
Most Brutal Self-Assessment: “Everybody is getting action except me, and that’s not usually how it goes down. No way! I can’t leave the Bachelor Pad and not hook up with somebody. Like, that’s crazy!” exclaimed Donna, moments before making out with that guy whose name I can never remember.
The “Chin Up, Girl! With an Attitude Like That, You’ll Surely Have a Second Chance at Reality TV Fame!” Award: “When I’m not around in my bikini, they’re gonna be pissed,” said a wistful Donna, exiting the Bachelor Pad in the Limo of Shame (TM).