Image Most Likely to Be Mistaken for a Promo Shot from American Horror Story: Asylum: Rachel, covering up the night-vision cameras in order to get her groove on with Michael.
Best Worst Quote Ever: “I’m so glad I worked at Hooters for over 13 years!” –Blakeley
Best Performance by an Inanimate Object: The shattered glass symbolizing the damaged friendship between Chris and Ed. (Give her the Emmy!)
Best Imitation of an Inanimate Object by a Human: Tony, turning himself into a throw pillow, as Chris and Ed sit on either side of him fighting like 13-year-old girls.
Best Bachelor Pad Life Lesson That You Can Apply at Home Tony knows that when a dawg is angry, you don’t look him directly in his glassy eyes.
Wait, Did Tony Actually Fall Asleep in That Scene? (Not that I’m blaming him…)
Worst Substitute for an Actual Relationship (Tie): Honestly, it’s hard to tell who’s more disappointing to Jaclyn: Ed or that plate of watermelon.
Most Overzealous Overestimation of One’s Own Skill Set: Sarah declaring “Now I know how Olympic swimmers feel,” after being disqualified for “touching the top of her cups” (not a euphemism) during “The Great Fall of China” challenge.
Most Overzealous Overestimation of One’s Own Sex Appeal: Chris fancies himself a real stud, and yet he wears gold polyester shorts to bed?
Moment of Total Shame During Which I Cheered as if I Was Watching the Olympics Blakeley austerely coaching Tony with her chanted “you got it, you got it, you got it, you got it” and spurring him to a decisive win over house villain Chris. (Come on, it’s hard not to root for this crazy chick, right?)
The “Be Careful or Your Face Will Freeze Like That,” Says Your Mother Award Chris serves a heaping plate of “durrrr” while strategizing his next move in the game.
An Erica Rose by Any Other Name… Would Still Chew Her Own Hair?
Most Effective Audio-Visual Mood-Killer: Blakeley and Tony’s camper date was surprisingly sweet, but romance fled the scene the minute he put on the “radio” tuned to former Bachelorette himbo Wes’ “Love Don’t Come E-e-zayyy,” and the cameras cut to Chris and Sarah examining each other’s tonsils.
Most in Touch With the One Percent/Out of Touch With the Meaning of ‘Real World’: “It’s weird to be out in the real world together,” says Lindzi, enjoying a date with Kalon in which the good folks at ABC provided them with a Bentley, then brought them to a bridge in a poorer section of Los Angeles that was outfitted with a chandelier and closed down specifically for the occasion.
Best Footwear Moment: Blakeley, bucking Bachelor Pad rules by not wearing at least a six-inch stiletto, displaying the bottom of her sensible flats to the camera and describing the unspeakably awful Chris as “the s–t on the bottom of my shoe.”
Worst Footwear Moment: Sarah, getting barked at by Chris to remove her heels before climbing up to the ladder and joining him in the top bunk. (He’s quite the romantic!)