This is AshLee’s best attempt at a genuine smile while explaining she wants to “serve” and “love on” Graham in a post-<I>Bachelor in Paradise</i> life. He promptly calls the whole thing off.
AshLee suffers another crushing blow when she discovers she’s been cut off from the production’s free booze supply. Yes, we have seen indignity, and it looks very much like bottled water.
Zach and Jackie split up, too — which raises an important question: Was this every really paradise if Zach was allowed to pack shirts?
A solitary turtle symbolizes Michelle Money’s struggle to find her whole self while adrift in a sea of tequila and dubious decisions. (Her brief phone call to her daughter, however, proves undeniably touching.)
“He definitely makes me feel like I am the only girl that ever exists on this world,” says Lacy, so distracted by a shiny object that consistent tense and proper grammar become an impossible task.
“I’ve watched these overnight dates on TV growing up, and they are so romantic,” says Sarah, unwittingly stumbling upon a great first discussion topic for herself and her therapist when she arrives back home.
“You know you’re not gettin’ laid tonight,” says single mother Michelle, accepting Cody’s fantasy-suite invitation. Naturally, ABC keeps it classy by bleeping out 30% of her post-date comments — the better to have America (and her daughter) believe she went back on her word.
A pair of intertwining birds are used to represent the raw animal attraction and feathery emotional maturity of Marcus and Lacy’s coupling.
“I don’t even know if he has a penis,” laments Sarah after an overnight date marked by “no neck-sucking” and Robert wearing his jeans to bed. Thankfully, though, the beleaguered singleton (who really needs to be the next Bachelorette) heeds her inner Liz Lemon: That’s a deal breaker, ladies!
A relentless Cody bench-presses Michelle until he gets an “I love you.” They leave the island as a couple, despite exhibiting all the romantic chemistry of a girl and her golden retriever.
Chris Harrison introduces the “Mount Rushmore of Bachelor couples.” Or as I like to call them, “Ugh. These people.”
Everyone knows the most important part of a marriage proposal is making sure the camera guy has a perfect angle of the Neil Lane logo on the box. Congratulations, Marcus and Lacy! May you live happily ever after — or at least not end up on VH1’s <I>Couples Therapy</i>!