AHS: Roanoke: 10 'I Can't Believe My Eyes!' Moments
10. Getting Wiggy With It
Just kidding. The second we got a gander at “Cricket” and his voluminous mop of white hair, we cracked up. But it wasn’t an “I can’t believe my eyes!” moment. Given that everything about My Roanoke Nightmare’s psychic was as outré as his coif, we totally believed our eyes. The actual countdown starts with the next slide.
Holy molars! We nearly (rinsed and) spat out our drink when “Chapter 1” proved that Roanoke had bite by raining down teeth on the faux Millers’ haunted house. To this day, we’re still not entirely convinced that none of the ghosts had been dental hygienists back in the day.
Proving both that no good deed goes unpunished and AHS doesn’t know the meaning of “medium rare,” when My Roanoke Nightmare groupies Sophie and Milo made a foolish attempt to save Audrey and Monet from a possessed Lee in “Chapter 9,” they were skewered like shish kebabs and burned to a crisp.
8. Going So Soon?
What shocked us about Rory’s murder in “Chapter 6” wasn’t that it happened or how it happened but when it happened — in what was only fan favorite Evan Peters’ second episode of the season and his first out of “Edward” drag. You had him, AHS; you shoulda flaunted him.
7. Forest Nympho
Sex scenes don’t get a whole lot less sexy — or a whole lot creepier — than the one in “Chapter 3” in which an entranced “Matt” porked “Scathach” in the woods near a slaughtered pig. Then again, maybe this sort of thing is subjective. “The Polk boys” certainly seemed to appreciate the display.
6. Life Obliterates Art
Unhinged reenactor Agnes didn’t know the true meaning of “getting too close to one’s character” until “Chapter 7” brought her face to face — and, subsequently, cleaver to face! — with the specter of the real Butcher, Tomasyn White. Talk about a showstopper!
5. Almost-Dead Meat
Halfway through the season, we learned that “Elias” hadn’t actually perished from the many arrow wounds inflicted upon him in “Chapter 4,” he only wished he had, as, ever since, he’d been kept alive and eaten, bit by well-seasoned bit, by the cannibalistic “Polk family.”
4. Now That Takes Guts!
As if to remind us why it’s never a good idea to try to eat while watching AHS, the end of “Chapter 4” challenged us to keep our dinner down when “The Butcher” had “Cricket’s” insides ripped out as “the Millers” looked on, aghast.
3. Hog Wild
We’ve been conditioned by thrillers to tense up whenever a character pulls back a shower curtain, but when, once in a blood moon, something as hideous as “the Piggy Man” is hiding in the tub, waiting to pounce, how can we feel that our anxiety is anything but justified?
2. Yours, Swine and Ours
Completing the mental file we labelled “Well, Now I’ve Seen Everything!” was the moment in “Chapter 3” when “Lee,” “Matt” and “Shelby’s” search for “Flora” led to a barn in which they discovered the feral “Polk boys,” covered in mud and — shudder! — suckling at the teats of a giant sow.
1. Role Reversal
Although Roanoke’s supernatural goings-on were freaky and gross, the moment that left us rubbing our eyes the hardest was an altogether human one — the first time in “Chapter 1” that we saw The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story‘s Marcia Clark and The Juice canoodling!