Determined to penetrate the Chanels’ forcefield of stupidity once and for all, Nurse “Suck a Hot Fart” Hoffel resorted to drastic measures on Tuesday’s Scream Queens season finale.
Taking a page from Donald Trump’s playbook, Hoffel plotted to literally drain the swamp, then use its highly flammable contents to blow up the C.U.R.E. Institute, instantly killing every last unqualified employee and hopeless patient in the building.
Meanwhile, Hester was busy hatching a little plan of her own, convincing Brock to propose to Dean Munsch in order to secure his position as the hospital’s new trustee after her death. Per the scheme, Hester and Brock would rob the institute and live the rest of their days on Blood Island, “just two murderers with no one to murder except each other — but we never will, because we love and trust each other.” (As if that wasn’t enough to convince him, Hester also gave him this to chew on: “I will always let you attack my crack, even when I’ve had a really large meal and I’m unsure of what you might encounter up there.” That’s love right there.)
Following an absurd brain surgery — like, even by this show’s standards — Hoffel managed to trap the gang in the basement. Unfortunately, there are two things she didn’t take into consideration: (1) Denise Hemphill survived her stay in the cryo chamber, and (2) she learned how to diffuse bombs by watching Quantico! Here’s a quick rundown of what went down during the gang’s final confrontation with Hoffel:
* Cassidy jumped in front of Chanel No. 3 to save her from Hoffel’s flying butcher knife, losing his own life in the process.
* Cassidy’s mother, who disowned him when he refused to do her bidding, was also killed by Hoffel.
* Dean Munsch — who, as it turns out, doesn’t have Kuru — put in a solid effort to pull Hoffel out of the quicksand behind the hospital… but ultimately failed.
* Lastly, Chanel No. 5 revealed that she does, in fact, have teeth in her vagina. Gross.
The episode’s closing moments triggered a minor time jump, revealing where everyone is today: Chanel No. 5 and Zayday are now “top dogs” at the hospital; Hester and Brock made good on their plot to steal Munsch’s money and run off to Blood Island; Munsch moved to Aspen, where she became a world-famous “sexpert”; and No. 1 finally landed the talk-show gig of her dreams — with No. 3 working as her producer, of course.
And then came the season’s final scare: After filming an episode of Lovin’ the C, Chanel returned to her car, where she stumbled upon a present — and the Red Devil in the backseat!
Did Scream Queens’ big finale live up to your expectations? Do you think it deserves a third season? Grade the episode below, then drop a comment with your full review.