Scream Queens Season 2 Premiere: Grade the Chanels' Scary, Hairy Return

Fox’s Scream Queens returned for its second season on Tuesday, giving idiot hookers nationwide their long-awaited fix of nonsense banter and stone-cold bitchery.

In keeping with the show’s now-apparent tradition, the premiere kicked off with a killer flashback, one in which a pair of medical miscreants dumped some poor schlub’s body into the swamp so they wouldn’t have to miss the hospital’s Halloween party. But there’s a twist: That poor schlub had a wife… and she was pregnant! (Wait a minute… A party? A murder? A baby? Please excuse me while I check to make sure I’m not just re-watching the first season on Hulu. … OK, we’re good.)

Cut to present day (give or take a few years), where Dr. Munsch’s C.U.R.E. Institute Hospital has been established as a last-resort haven for the “incurable” — or in the case of Cecily Strong’s character, the extremely hairy. Along with the help of John Stamos’ Dr. Brock Holt (a Harvard-educated narcissist whose transplanted hand may or may not be pure evil) and Taylor Lautner’s Dr. Cassidy Cascade (a younger version of Holt who might actually just be a handsome snowman), she’s making it her mission to dominate the health care system. Or something. I don’t know, everybody was talking really fast.

Now, for the part you really care about: After 25 painful, Chanel-free minutes, Emma Roberts and her gaggle of sperm-mopping (no, really) sidekicks were hired to work at the hospital, where they immediately ran intro trouble — and, trouble, thy name is Kirstie Alley. (For the record, if that queen told me she wanted to eat me alive, as she did to Chanel, I would start applying my own damn dressing and hand her a bib on the spot.)

The rest of the episode was a reference-heavy blur of shower scenes (Stamos!), casual chocking (Stamos again!) and makeover montages, so I’ll just jump right to the end:

After shedding her troubles away, Strong’s character was treated to the world’s least relaxing medical bath, which included a complimentary beheading by a machete-wielding man (?) dressed like a swamp monster. This season’s apparent killer then turned his blade to Chanel No. 5… but did it land? (For what it’s worth, I kept my eyes peeled for Abigail Breslin in that post-episode promo and saw nothing.)

Final Thoughts: Absolutely everything about Season 2 (so far) is ludicrous. Like, this show has completely abandoned what was little remained of its grip on reality. But as long as the Chanels (particularly Emma Roberts) keep us entertained, we’ll keep overlooking all of that. … Also, Kirstie Alley was easily the best addition to the Scream Queens Universe, even if we learned literally nothing about her character in this first hour. I knew I liked her when she threatened to eat Chanel, and I knew I loved her when she called her a whore. Classic camp villainy at its finest.

What did you think of Scream Queens 2.0? Did you even notice that Grace went completely unmentioned? Grade the premiere below, then drop a comment with your full review.

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Sarah says:

    I much prefer zayday in the good girl role over annoying Grace. And what a flawless wig Keke!! Lol

  2. Matthew b lawler says:

    I like most of it except for the fact that they completely ignore the fact that Grace and her father are no were in the season not even a passing line tech Splaine what happened to them yet we got cameos from everybody’s favorites FBI special agent and Hester

    I also agree that the beginning of the episode was pretty much an homage to the beginning of last season’s pilot episode we have an 80s party where somebody dies and someone covers it up

  3. Suso says:

    I’ll be sad if No 5 dies — it seemed like Abigail Breslin took some good acting pills over the summer or something.

  4. Greg says:

    Loved it. They somehow made change work, colour me surprised.

  5. Brad says:

    Prediction – the baby in the beginning will turn out to be Jacob Artist’s present-day character. The father resembled him way too much for it to be a coincidence!

    I also would posit him as the killer, but that would resemble Season 1 way too much (baby(ies) wronged in the past go on present-day killing spree for retribution at the scene of the crime).

  6. gogogun says:

    Scream Queens has come back from the dead! This was a very good way to organically integrate all of the characters in an organic way. Last season was all over the place, but I hope they continue on this course. Cecily Strong was so amazing, I wanted to see more of her. Last but not least, Kirstie Alley was terrifyingly good.

  7. Chelsea says:

    OMG! Scream Queens 2.0 is amazing! Emma Roberts is really terrific and the new cast were also insanely great!

  8. Adam says:

    Is everybody watching a different show?!? I loved the first season, but this was boring, clunky & lifeless (apart from Kirstie Alley). I couldn’t get the slightest bit invested in any of the stupid plot or characters. I don’t know if its the change of setting to a hospital, where all the season 1 cast just feel SO out of place or if its because most of the episode was spent desperately trying to justify a new season by forcing them back together for really no reason beyond them being Characters from the first season, but it really didn’t work for me :(

    • Jim says:

      Yeah, this wasn’t very good. But they had a lot of setup to cover. If it’s half as hilarious as last year it will be pretty funny.

      • Adam says:

        Yeah I’m hoping now all the setup is done, the quality will jump back up to season 1 standards next episode

        • Jared S says:

          Agreed. Not at all scary and only mildly funny. There were some enjoyable moments, mostly involving the documentary and Denise. Denise and Hester debating double – “single” – jeopardy was the best. Also loved Kirstie. But a lot of the rest fell flat for me. I love Cecily on SNL but I thought she could have done more with the part, especially being the first patient. It took way too long to get the Chanels involved and one of them might have gotten killed already, though I’m skeptical. I’ll continue to watch because I loved last season. Hope it gets better now the setup is pretty much over.

    • Winter says:

      Yeah I have to agree. It was not good at all and I loved last season. I was going to bail on the rest of the season but I saw Chad in the preview for next week so I’ll stick around for him at least.

    • Chelsea says:

      I loved the season 2 premiere. I think it was brilliantly-written. The new cast is killing me! !!I love Kristie Allen! I’m glad she’s part of the show!

    • Andrew says:

      @ Adam – I agree with you about the premiere being uneven. I did like the addition of Kirstie Alley, though.

      I can’t believe nobody has brought up the fact that the two doctors in the opening flashback just killed that patient for no reason, ether. WTF was that?

      As much as I LOVE Jamie Lee Curtis, I’ll bow out if the story doesn’t improve. She’s a great actress and deserves better. If the show gets canned, I hope Ryan Murphy will offer her a lead/recurring spot on American Horror Story.

  9. Sammey says:

    I liked it! The Chanels gave me life! Please watch the premiere!

  10. true says:

    Needed more Hester and Denise.

    • Sammey says:

      Don’t worry. I think there will be more surprises from them this season. We just have to wait. I missed them both too. And let’s watch out for Chad next week! Gosh! Can’t wait!

  11. Chantal says:

    Scream Queens freaking rocks
    Your “Website” can’t spell properly.
    This season is so existing. Australian chicks love this show. Running it down. As the shows you said were good got axed🔪😈 and Scream Queen’s is going gangbusters. Sceam Queens is one of the best USA TV ever

  12. Matt C. says:

    I loved the premiere. The episode definitely got WAY better the second Chanel made her grand reappearance, but the first 25 minutes were necessary exposition on what went down since the season 1 finale. (Side note: didn’t they say there would be a 3 year time jump? The events of the season 1 finale took place in January 2016, and the title card for this episode read 2016 also…it bothers me when writers forget their own timelines).

  13. Chris says:

    I enjoyed it, and did anyone else notice the music in the last scene with Abigail Breslin is the same as the opening music for Dirty Dancing, which of course she is going to be in the remake of

  14. ricardo says:

    Kirstie Allen, genius casting. She’s already my new favourite. Also, I have to say Chanel 5 was the one that got me laughing the most, hope they did not kill her off. Didn’t like Taylor Lautner in the first episode, hopefully he gets better.

  15. Sammey says:

    I would just like to add that I was surprised by Chanel No. 5! Abigail Breslin is way better this season compared to last season.

  16. wrstlgirl says:

    Meh, it has no competition for me at that time slot so as long as that continues I’ll watch. It will be one of those TV’s on and I’m surfing my phone shows. Any competition comes on, I’m gone.

  17. Jenn Velasco-Cafagna says:

    Disappointed that Grace was not referenced (a sentence or two of dialogue could have worked her in), but not bothered that her character is MIA. I agree with a lot of what has been said in the comments here; more boring than scary, despite the best addition to the cast this year in Kirstie Alley, and the setting and premise of the show this year are not meshing well like the first season. Having said that, I’ll keep watching for now due to the cast and soundtrack choices, which are both spot on.

  18. Sharon says:

    Just couldn’t get into it hope it gets better last season was awesome

  19. Riana says:

    I think the killer freed her and she is left out of promotional material as not to spoil anything.

  20. robandco says:

    I believe they shot themselves in the foot keeping the same characters. It could have been much more interesting with the same cast in a new setting, a la AHS.
    Season 1 was fresh but this feel really rehashed. We’ll see next week.
    My guess is that Chanel #5 is still alive, the Green Meanie just chopped the head in half in front of her.

  21. katedfw says:

    The only reason I watch is show for the sheer campiness and great dialogue. It’s a fun guilty pleasure. Can’t wait for the return of Chad!

  22. Twokeets says:

    Season 2 is kind of delightful so far. I wasn’t able to keep interested in Season 1. But I like the hospital setting–it’s creepy/funny and the possibilities are endless. Also, I love the “older” actresses–Jamie Lee and Kirstie Alley give the show a little depth. It’s basically a guilty pleasure for me, but I kind of love it.

  23. ChrisGa says:

    I didn’t hate it but I still didn’t think it was as good as any episode in Season One. A lot of the dialogue was surprisingly stale compared to the razor sharp bon mots dropped on the regular by Emma Roberts and her crew last year. That said, Kirstie Alley is a grand addition and I also liked Lautner(Stamos was alright but predictable). Looking forward to more Denise and Chad in the next few weeks.

  24. A says:

    Amazing episode!

  25. kathy says:

    adding the new characters and a new killer kinda ruins it so far,I love all these actors but they don’t go with this show except maybe Kirstie alley cuz she has a bitchy funny character like chanel but as much as I love john stamos and taylor lautner they don’t belong in this show its just weird and cheesy to have them in and why didn’t they continue where they left off?how’d chanel escape the red devil,and why get rid of the red devil?while hester was away they could’ve had a new red devil like in pretty little liars when they change “A”.and the new killer looks cool but looks more goosebumps than scream queens lol I miss the red devil couldve been the biggest halloween costume since ghost face.