Tuesday’s season finale of Glee found our favorite Big Apple residents at a crossroads, and not the good kind of crossroads where Britney Spears learns about love and life in a top-down convertible. It was the bad kind of crossroads, where everyone goes their separate ways into an uncertain — albeit totally toe-tapping — future.
KURT & BLAINE | Let’s begin with Kurt and Blaine, who — by my count, at least — almost broke up 75 times during this final hour. Blaine finally told Kurt the truth, that June never wanted him in the showcase, and Lady Hummel went bananas on him. “How am I supposed to believe that you love me if I can’t trust you?” he shrieked, knocking Blaine’s brown bag lunch to the floor. (RIP, brown bag lunch!) But because #KlaineIsUnbreakable, the fiancés quickly patched things up, complete with a lovely monologue from Kurt about birds and flying and trust. Then they got bored/horny and went inside.
Blaine reassured Kurt of his love by yanking him onstage for an encore performance during his showcase, much to the initial dismay of June, who mean-mugged him like he was the Dowager Countess waxing poetic about the old world. (That was a Downton Abbey reference, by the way. Ask your parents.) Klaine then returned the reassurance by asking Blaine to move into the loft with him. We didn’t technically see him ask, but we saw Blaine enter the apartment with a suitcase in the episode’s final moments, and I assume he wasn’t breaking in.
SAM & MERCEDES | Speaking of breaking in, Sam finally achieved his (season-long) dream of getting his junk on the side of a bus, but it came with a hefty price tag. His efforts to avoid “popping a rogue chubby” during his Treasure Trailz photo shoot failed miserably, as he let the naughty photographer lady get all up in his face with her face. Sam proceeded to then cry in his underwear — a scene that, tragically, happened off-screen — before breaking down and telling Mercedes all about it. She forgave him for the kiss, but decided it would be best for both of them to go their separate ways while they pursue their dreams. She did, however, put her virginity on hold for him in case she changed her mind about premarital sex.
Mercedes, meanwhile, is doing just fine. The finale saw the launch of her nationwide mall tour, with Brittany in tow as her lead backup dancer. Santana is also allegedly going to be a part of her tour, but given Naya Rivera’s questionable future with the show, I’ll believe she’s in Season 6 when I see her in Season 6. After Rivera was famously written out of this week’s finale, Mercedes explained that Santana was off filming another Yeastistat commercial in Iowa. (Yeah, OK.) The real Samcedes shocker, though, was Sam’s last-minute decision to move back to Ohio — and return to McKinley High? — rather than stay in New York to pursue his modeling career. What is that boy smoking?
RACHEL & RACHEL | And then there’s Rachel. Fox hooked her up with a bats–t crazy writer (played by the delightful Kristen Schaal) to develop her new show, and the initial result was bad. Like, truly terrible. It was basically Girls, only Hanna was a lazy singer with two gay astronaut dads and Adam was inexplicably unable to slip out of a dinosaur costume. (I know that sounds amazing, but trust me, it’s not.) After a little workshopping and an impromptu performance, the script was re-worked into something usable, and Rachel’s pilot was officially green-lit. (Goodbye, New York; hello, Los Angeles.)
But here’s my question: Does Rachel even really know what she wants out of life? “I always thought that Fanny was the role I was born to play, but then I read this,” Rachel said of her revised pilot script, which she’d held for all of 30 minutes. “This is it. This is my dream role.” One can’t help but worry that Rachel, having burned her Broadway bridges in favor of her new Hollywood dreams, is setting herself up for disaster — but hey, that’s what Season 6 is for.
And now, we play the Rating Game…
Mercedes: “Shaking My Head” — Rating: B
Blaine: “All of Me” — Rating: B+
Sam: “Girls on Film” — Rating: B+
Rachel: “Glitter In the Air” — Rating: A-
Blaine and June: “No Time At All” — Rating: A- (I have a soft spot for Pippin)
Blaine and Kurt: “American Boy” — Rating: B+
The whole gang: “Pompeii” — Rating: A (This was such a perfect season ender)
Glee fans, what did you think of the Season 5 finale? We’ve got a long wait until the gang’s “six-month” reunion (Season 6 won’t arrive until 2015), so rate the episode and browse finale pics below, then drop a comment with your hopes/fears for the final season.Follow @AndySwift