Ugh, is there anything worse than a “shocking twist” in a reality competition series? I mean, I turned on American Idol‘s Top 5 results show tonight with the semi-comforting knowledge there was a four-out-of-five chance I’d wind up shaking my fist at my television set — and possibly sending a strongly worded tweet to @JLo. (#iloatheyamami?)
That said, I believe in one elimination per week — whether or not I agree with the vote — and I do not fancy the Judges’ Save, either.
Here’s how it was supposed to play out:
* a Ford ad with the contestants all looking more stylish and relaxed than they do on stage
* a perfectly inoffensive performance from Keith Urban
* Randy Jackson, imitating one of the adults on The Peanuts cartoons
* either Sam, Caleb, Alex, Jessica or Jena experiencing his or her own personal “Red Wedding” — without approximately 97% less bloodshed and 22% more crying
* safe or eliminated, a shank-eyed stare from J.Lo toward Jessica Meuse — just because
But nope, Ryan Seacrest kicked off the telecast telling us “a game-changer will happen live on this stage tonight” — one that none of the contestants would see coming.
Yep, because the Airport Hangar of Doom and the Psychological Torture of Rush Week weren’t enough, executive producer Per Blankens added another layer of terror on the Season 13 Top 5, asking them to make the following decision:
* Vote “yes” to keeping the group together for an additional week — and then to eliminate two singers next Thursday
* Vote “no” and send one person home tonight
Ryan began the tally with three “yeses,” the paused dramatically before continuing the tally. Jessica shook her head in dismay. Votes No. 4 and 5 were “nos.”
WOOHOO! TWO PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY IN IT TO WIN IT!
(Yes, you can now vote me off the island for using a Randy Jackson catch phrase.)
“I’m surprised — maybe that’s just me,” sighed J.Lo, who I’m sure reached her position of global superstardom with a kumbaya, “everyone’s a winner,” “I’m putting myself last” attitude.
“Jeez,” grumbled Harry Connick Jr., because that’s presumably what was on his cue card.
And then Ryan delivered the denouement: Sam Woolf received the lowest number of votes, and was therefore headed home — the correct decision, to be sure, but one that somehow felt a little nauseating in light of the emotional waterboarding we’d just witnessed. (Snap poll: Would we have gone through all this ridiculousness had Jessica been the lowest vote-getter? Discuss!)
I mean, if the producers really wanted a feel-good bit of drama, why not have the contestants choose between eliminating one of their own, or eliminating human barnacle Randy Jackson from his mentor position?
Somehow, I suspect Uncle PB to leak to TMZ that the entire outcome tonight was Jessica’s fault. (Dammit, they’re just determined to make sure she doesn’t get her hometown visit to SLAPOUT, AL, aren’t they?)
What did you think of Top 5 results? Were you dismayed or impressed by the “no” votes? And who do you think cast ‘em? Take our poll below, then sound off in the comments!