American Idol Top 6 Results Recap: Maybe I Didn't Vote for You, Quite as Often as I Should Have

american-idol-top-6-results-recap-who-went-home-jessica-cj-alexAmerican Idol‘s Top 6 results show kicked off beneath an ominous cloud — and not just because Grumpy Cat sat frowning in Ryan Seacrest’s arms and Keith Urban came disguised as the world’s sexiest undertaker.

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Nope, I found myself descending into a full-on anxiety spiral around lunchtime, when the official Idol Twitter account warned fans to prepare for a “shocking” outcome following a Wednesday performance show in which four out of six remaining contestants got up out of their chairs when the Idoloonie Nation screamed, “COME ON! Are any of you worthy of following in the footsteps of Candice Glover, Phillip Phillips & Co.?!”

Surely, Jessica Meuse, Caleb Johnson, Jena Irene and Alex Preston had to be safe, right? And surely, the days of Prof. Harry Connick Jr. teaching “Intro to Intonation” to C.J. Harris had to be coming to a close, no?

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What did Idol‘s social-media guru mean by “shocking,” anyway? Maybe J.Lo was planning to show up in a loose sweater, boot-cut jeans and flats? Perhaps Harry had vowed to go 30 minutes without blatantly calling attention to himself? Was “mentor” Randy Jackson going to cough up a throat nugget of wisdom? (Sorry — that last sentence went too far: The word “wisdom” has a restraining order requiring “Randy” to keep a distance of 100 words or more at all times.)

With a churning stomach and a brain full of “I swear to God, I will never watch this show again,” somebody other than Keiran dimmed the lights, and we got some answers:

Sent to Safety (in chronological order)
Sam Woolf (¡¿him!? ¡¿already!?)
Caleb Johnson
Jena Irene
Alex Preston

Bottom Two
C.J. Harris
Jessica Meuse (EVEN AFTER HER EPIC “JOLENE”??? sigh.)

Finally, it was time for Ryan to give the final verdict. But first, he asked the judges how they felt about the Bottom 2 — then suggested the ludicrous idea that J.Lo had “championed” Jessica as much as she had C.J. (I guess in the same way I “championed” Danny Gokey as much as Allison Iraheta back in Season 8. Mmm-hmm. I went there.) J.Lo blandly noted that “We have to get down to one winner.” Harry lied that the results are “always” a surprise. Keith sold a small piece of his soul by pretending Sam’s performances were on par with Alex, Jena and Caleb’s — leaving Jessica and C.J. as righteous candidates for elimination. (To which I have a one-word response: Click here to see it.)

Before the axe got swung, Jessica raised her chin and said she regretted nothing: “I’m always true to myself.”

And then, the eliminated contestant was announced: C.J. Harris.

The Alabama native managed to get out most of “Can’t You See” before beging swallowed in a hug from his family and his fellow contestants.

The End. (Brought to you by some random Ford advertisement that outed Jessica as a natural blonde.)

On that note, I turn it over to you.

What did you think of Season 13 Top 6 results night? What did you think of the Bottom 2? Why was there no Bottom 3? Was the right person booted? Sound off on all those questions and more in the comments!