AHS: Coven Recap: Scary-Go-Round

American Horror Story CovenIn this week’s American Horror Story: Coven, one dead witch is buried, another dead witch rises from the grave, yet another witch winds up as good as dead, and Cordelia proves just how far she’ll go to live up to the episode’s title and “Protect the Coven.” Dizzy? You ain’t read nothin’ yet!

MANY HAPPY RETURNS | Not long after a not-in-the-least-deceased Queenie crashes Nan’s funeral with a reheaded Delphine in tow (on a leash, no less!), Miss Robichaux’s maid uses Spalding’s old room to rekindle her passion for dismembering African-Americans. (It’s never macramé on this show!) When the butler’s ghost discovers her gruesome handiwork, she’s at a loss as to how to explain. But he assures her, “One doesn’t explain art, one simply admires it.” In no time, the fast friends have hatched a plan to dispatch Marie using the blackest of all magics: Benadryl! (And the award for Best Product Placement Ever goes to… )

HATCHET JOB | Before Fiona can even consider making a reality of the Axeman’s dream of them living happily ever after as “normal folk” on his family farm, she has to deal with Harrison and the Delphi Trust. And by “deal with,” of course I mean “accept the suits’ offer to discuss a 100-year truce with her and Marie, only to have her boyfriend dress up as a bartender and hack the witch hunters to bits.” Well, except for Harrison — Fiona enthusiastically whacks him herself. (Now if she could just figure out which of the girls she has to bump off in order to safeguard her Supremacy… )

THE RUNAWAYS | While Cordelia — sick of having only sniveling for a superpower — blinds herself with a pair of pruning shears in order to regain her visions, Madison becomes so bent out of shape about FrankenKyle’s preference for Zoe that she drops a lighting fixture on her rival and threatens to disassemble their boy toy. (Gads, that sentence was stitched together from more pieces-parts than even Kyle!) Luckily, Myrtle senses that Zoe and FrankenKyle’s love is one of the true sort and, when not babbling about wrap skirts or playing the theremin, sends them running for their lives — I kid you not — to Epcot. (By the way, when is Myrtle’s album coming out? I can hear it now — “Witchy Woman,” “Season of the Witch,” “Could It Be Magic” and more, all played on the theremin!)

THE BEST SLAYED PLANS | When Delphine’s combination of antihistamines and stabbing doesn’t put an end to Marie — shocking, no? — Spalding sends their immortal victim tumbling down the stairs and admits that he was BS’ing all along and she can’t really be killed. The doll fetishist also confesses that he just wanted the voodoo queen out of the way so that he could, erm, adopt her stolen baby. “What the hell do I do with her now?” Delphine more or less asks. “Bury her alive,” Spalding more or less suggests. Well, OK then!

Okay, your turn. What did you think of the episode? I thought Delphine and Spalding made a pretty funny (creepy) scheme team. And I loved Madison’s reaction to Zoe’s revelation that Fiona and Marie had drowned Nan. “Don’t you care at all?” Zoe asked. “Have you met me?” Madison replied. Spalding’s presentation of Benadryl as powerful magic was hilarious, too. But for me, this show belongs to Myrtle now. Whether scoffing at Fiona’s insistence that, since she has no secrets, she has nothing to fear from Cordelia’s gift of “sight” (“I deserve better lies than that!”) or waxing poetic about the virtues of figs (“In the fall, the rotting leaves smell like an Olympian’s ejaculate!”), the nutbag Cracks. My. Ass. Up. How about you? Hit the comments!