AHS: Coven Recap: Scary-Go-Round

American Horror Story CovenIn this week’s American Horror Story: Coven, one dead witch is buried, another dead witch rises from the grave, yet another witch winds up as good as dead, and Cordelia proves just how far she’ll go to live up to the episode’s title and “Protect the Coven.” Dizzy? You ain’t read nothin’ yet!

MANY HAPPY RETURNS | Not long after a not-in-the-least-deceased Queenie crashes Nan’s funeral with a reheaded Delphine in tow (on a leash, no less!), Miss Robichaux’s maid uses Spalding’s old room to rekindle her passion for dismembering African-Americans. (It’s never macramé on this show!) When the butler’s ghost discovers her gruesome handiwork, she’s at a loss as to how to explain. But he assures her, “One doesn’t explain art, one simply admires it.” In no time, the fast friends have hatched a plan to dispatch Marie using the blackest of all magics: Benadryl! (And the award for Best Product Placement Ever goes to… )

HATCHET JOB | Before Fiona can even consider making a reality of the Axeman’s dream of them living happily ever after as “normal folk” on his family farm, she has to deal with Harrison and the Delphi Trust. And by “deal with,” of course I mean “accept the suits’ offer to discuss a 100-year truce with her and Marie, only to have her boyfriend dress up as a bartender and hack the witch hunters to bits.” Well, except for Harrison — Fiona enthusiastically whacks him herself. (Now if she could just figure out which of the girls she has to bump off in order to safeguard her Supremacy… )

THE RUNAWAYS | While Cordelia — sick of having only sniveling for a superpower — blinds herself with a pair of pruning shears in order to regain her visions, Madison becomes so bent out of shape about FrankenKyle’s preference for Zoe that she drops a lighting fixture on her rival and threatens to disassemble their boy toy. (Gads, that sentence was stitched together from more pieces-parts than even Kyle!) Luckily, Myrtle senses that Zoe and FrankenKyle’s love is one of the true sort and, when not babbling about wrap skirts or playing the theremin, sends them running for their lives — I kid you not — to Epcot. (By the way, when is Myrtle’s album coming out? I can hear it now — “Witchy Woman,” “Season of the Witch,” “Could It Be Magic” and more, all played on the theremin!)

THE BEST SLAYED PLANS | When Delphine’s combination of antihistamines and stabbing doesn’t put an end to Marie — shocking, no? — Spalding sends their immortal victim tumbling down the stairs and admits that he was BS’ing all along and she can’t really be killed. The doll fetishist also confesses that he just wanted the voodoo queen out of the way so that he could, erm, adopt her stolen baby. “What the hell do I do with her now?” Delphine more or less asks. “Bury her alive,” Spalding more or less suggests. Well, OK then!

Okay, your turn. What did you think of the episode? I thought Delphine and Spalding made a pretty funny (creepy) scheme team. And I loved Madison’s reaction to Zoe’s revelation that Fiona and Marie had drowned Nan. “Don’t you care at all?” Zoe asked. “Have you met me?” Madison replied. Spalding’s presentation of Benadryl as powerful magic was hilarious, too. But for me, this show belongs to Myrtle now. Whether scoffing at Fiona’s insistence that, since she has no secrets, she has nothing to fear from Cordelia’s gift of “sight” (“I deserve better lies than that!”) or waxing poetic about the virtues of figs (“In the fall, the rotting leaves smell like an Olympian’s ejaculate!”), the nutbag Cracks. My. Ass. Up. How about you? Hit the comments!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Danniel says:

    I just thought this episode was WAAAAAAAY story-driven with little no action, with the exception of the killing of the Order. But it was great and the actors perfromances were awesome as always.

  2. Simon says:

    Great episode. Did anyone catch when Harrison said the line about catching communists. This confirms for me what I thought today when I head season 4 will be set in the 50’s – McCarthism !!!!!

  3. Adam says:

    I thought this episode was just awful. I’ve been forcing myself to keep watching just to stick it through to the end, but I really feel that it’s one of the worst series I’ve watched the majority of (I loved Asylum and enjoyed Murder House, though). There’s just no permanence to anything that happens, whether its character development or story arcs. There are two episodes left and I honestly can’t say what the central conflict of the season is (is it the two factions of witches? who the next supreme is? anything?). Random things happening is a trademark of the show in the past seasons, but for the most part there felt to be some kind of season plan in the past years, and this year it’s just so all over the place with the decisions in one episode reversing the decisions made in the episodes before it but never actually getting anywhere. The performances are still strong, but when the characters are so all over the place it’s hard to really enjoy them, and even finding entertainment in the ridiculousness has dried out.

    • Andrew says:

      I agree, completely. This episode was a complete train wreck, which sucks, because I thought the first 9 episodes were pretty good.

      Ever since the show came back from that hiatus in mid-December, it’s like they don’t even know what to do for the last two episodes.

      We don’t even know who the Supreme is — after 11 episodes! That’s just one story arc among several that have literally gone nowhere. And, Spalding is still hanging out upstairs playing with dolls.

      As ridiculous as it is, I’ll finish watching, but: This season has definitely fizzled out fast. At least Asylum tried to tie up all the loose ends before it was over.

      • Kevin says:

        funny that’s what people all said when asylum was at ep11. Last year, everyone was like I hate asylum, and now people do the same with coven. I suppose AHS is a show which makes more sense when you look at it as a whole

        • Adam says:

          I never really hated Asylum at all. I thought it was excellent through and through, even if I was disappointed to see Mary Eunice and Arden have their deaths a bit early. There was a definite story with a main conflict (the characters struggling to be free from Briarcliff before they lose their sanity, and then the aftermath) and it had a structure. But I can’t say Coven has any central conflict or story; it’s just random events happen and then are reversed by the writers of the next episode, hand-waved away because of “magic” that seems to have no limits.

          • Mel says:

            Adam, there definitely is a story and limits. When a body is cremated or otherwise melted there is no possibility of revival. At the moment “revive” is only available to a Supreme or a very talented witch. I think putting Misty in a “timeout” so to speak will ultimately save her and be Fiona’s undoing. Fiona cannot kill what she cannot locate, thus guaranteeing her inability to kill all the potential supremes.

            I hope Misty blasts out of that fail casket prison Madison put her in and magicks Madison so viciously that there won’t be enough left of fauxlebrity b!tch to fit in a matchbox!

        • Andrew says:

          I never used the word “hate” at all, c’mon. My point, in general, is that everything felt jumbled last night, as if the writers/producers are scrambling behind the scenes to figure out how to wrap it up.

          There are so many problems with the storylines that it’s ridiculous, like:

          Nobody bothers to look for Misty (just like nobody bothered enough to look for Queenie/Delphine after the shoot-out)
          Cordelia ripped her eyes out. Ok, then why have Myrtle do what she did at all if that was the endgame?
          Delphine binds and tortures the black gardener working outside the Academy. Why make it seem like she “learned” the error of her ways before the hiatus then?
          The Axe Man storyline has literally gone nowhere
          Fiona’s cancer seems to be nonexistent now
          They basically wasted Patti LuPone with an almost nonexistent storyline (and killed her off by having her drink bleach)
          All Evan Peters did this season was grunt, moan, and take his clothes off
          After 11 episodes, they still don’t know who the Supreme is. The arc should’ve been resolved by now
          and what was the point of Stevie Nicks’ appearance? It was almost like the writers were saying, “Ok, we don’t know what to do with all of this screen time, lets just let Stevie sing.”

          So far, none of it has added up to a logical conclusion, and with only two episodes left, how could it?

          • Kevin says:

            i honestly doubt the writers are trying to be logical here, the whole tone of this season is so wacky and non-serious that I think some people don’t like, bc. it’s not what they expected from AHS. I laugh more watching this than watching comedies, so I don’t see the point of judging this season from a critical p.o.v bc clearly everyone’s just doing it for fun and a good laugh. It certainly wasn’t what i expected for this season, but what can you do.

          • Kevin says:

            and i forgot to add, with AHS, it really is the Jessica Lange show, so most characters are just addition to her character’s journey. If you look at the season as a journey of the coven as a whole, it’s actually pretty amazing how much they went through.

            Stevie nick’s appearance is clearly a catalyst to heat up the competition amongst young bitches, hence madison locking misty up

    • Jen says:

      Every comment here is spot on. There is no cohesiveness whatsoever this season. It seems like they just don’t know what to do with the story. Why have a school for witches in the first place if Fiona’s goal is to just eliminate them all? And the violence was so graphic and over the top. I had to leave the room more than once…it was just gruesome. And I suppose no one is going to look for all those missing, murdered men? I LOVED AHS the last two seasons but this one is a hot mess. I’m hoping for better in season four.

  4. rachelle says:

    Great, great, great episode! Angela Bassett has been giving me life all season! Along with Jessica Lange and Frances Conroy. Pretty much every word out of those three ladies’ mouths this evening was fantastic. This season is my favorite by far and the best of the whole franchise in my opinion. I’m so sad there are only two episodes left!

  5. Austin says:

    It was quite the exciting and always disturbing episode. I think watching this show is seriously harmful to the brain but whatever it’s entertaining. I really love Cordelia and Misty the most. Well, mostly them because all of the other ones are pretty terrible people in the show besides Zoe. The only reason I don’t like Zoe is that she is probably the obvious supreme but hopefully she’s not. I’m still not over Nan’s death. </3 I'm predicting next episode that Queenie/Madame Delaurie (or whatever) join Nan in the afterlife.

  6. Favorite line from Marie in the beginning: “Ayy girl, I thought you was dead,getcho ass over here!”

  7. Jane says:

    Although I am enjoying the acting, are they even pretending there is a coherent plot any longer or are they just letting every one of the fine actors just make it up as they go now?

    • Vickie says:

      ^ Yes, this pretty much sums up my feelings for this season. Would watch Lange, Bates, Conroy and Bassett in anything. And continuing to watch Coven proves it. The season has made no sense. And they wasted Patti LePone.

      • Faith says:

        How has the season not made sense? It’s basically been about an exaggerated witch Coven in general and the various threats they deal with. What didn’t make sense? The Voodoo vs Coven was a subplot, just like Kathy Bates’ character.

  8. Marco says:

    Awful, just awful. This season as a whole is awful, but since returning from the Christmas break they’ve been taking Ass Pull after Ass Pull, and the show, already dreadful, is taking a definite downward turn. They better shape up next season!

  9. b says:

    Myrte Snow, Madison, and Fiona are going to qend up tormenting each.other in hell! And that is a show I’d pay to watch daily. Why bitch about.plot when the characters have been this amazing. I thought this season was Fiona Vs. The Coven with Kathy and Angela as a side plot.

  10. Rain388 says:

    The fact that I’m still watching a show I find dreadful every week just goes to show how much I love Jessica Lange, Kathy Bates and Angela Bassett. I loved Murder House, loved most of Asylum but Coven has been so disappointing. As soon as the younger cast comes on screen I want to turn it off. Their story is terrible and honestly the acting leaves a lot to be desired. I’m def. going to have to base the decision of watching next season on who they end up casting this time around. I don’t think Jessica Lange alone will be enough to get me back after this season.

  11. English (@dancingwishy) says:

    My favorite part of this episode was when Spalding was advising Delphine to bury Marie, he flipped his hair with the doll’s hand! Seriously LOLed at that!

  12. Ken L says:

    Am I the only one who is a little worried about the fact that Zoe and Kyle were jumping onto a BUS at the end of this show? Have we now come full circle? Does Kyle not remember how he became Frankenkyle in the first place? Madison wants both of them dead…and she is the resident “bus flipper” of the Coven. This is American Horror Story…there are no fairytale endings…..I don’t have a good feeling about that bus making it to Epcot

    • Adam says:

      I hope she does flip that bus.

    • John Sileo says:

      Ken you are not the only one…as soon as I saw Zoey and Kyle get on the bus, I immediately thought ” we all know what happened to Kyle last time he hurriedly boarded a bus!!” I really hope they make it out alive as it seems they are the only two characters that have good hearts. I also noticed Spaulding flipping his hair with the doll’s hand. Brilliant! I love how the little things in this show are so hilarious, things that most people don’t even notice. The characters in Coven, the dialogue, the gruesome murders that are somehow always artistic are better than any full-length horror movie I’ve ever seen !! Thumbs down to all the haytas- AHS is indeed a masterpiece- all three seasons were. Jessica, Angela, Kathy and even Conroy- all top-notch acting week in and week out. They put all other so-called TV actresses to shame. I am so spoiled by them that , at this point, I can’t even watch any of the other crap on TV for more than 2 minutes.

  13. Lola Kneip says:

    I LOVE this show. The first one, and now this, are the Best! Didn’t care for Asylum. The only part that disturbed me was when Kathy Bates cut off the poor guys toes. I just covered my eyes for a few seconds. The hatchet scene didn’t bother me in the slightest. The “quips” they make to each other are hilarious…great writing! The 3 seasoned actresses are top notch–love the way they play off each other.

  14. TD says:

    AHS always goes off the rails in terms of plot. There’s always too much going on and too many characters popping up (sometimes multiple times from the dead this year). Most of the fun for me is in the acting (and overacting) and the ridiculous audacity of what’s going on, not the plot. Oh, and I don’t think anyone mentioned Delphine’s “special soup”? And Myrtle’s exclaiming over it–“Coconut! Cardamon!”

    • John Sileo says:

      @TD- yes , no one mentioned it but you just know that the Madame flavored the soup with the fauxlebrity’s poop ! Yummy !

  15. Jeff says:

    I guess this is either you love it or hate season. I particually love it myself, but I can understand why people are frustrated with the storylines. They are trying to shove what easily should have been a 2 or 3 season show into 13 episodes and it is organized confusion. I think the acting has been the best yet and I hope they bring Emma Roberts back. I have teenagers who I used to watch her Nickelodean show with and let me say that young lady can act. She went from a sweet girl next door to one of the nastiest little witches this side of Salem. Jessica and all the rest have been nothing short of Excellent in my opinion! I enjoy the story and just wish it would continue on to really do the storylines justice.

  16. abz says:

    “Madison, you are the worst kind of Hollywood cliché–A bobblehead with crotchless panties” –> God, I love Myrtle. She’s so hilarious

  17. abz says:

    I do agree with other commenters that the season has been all over the place sometimes. It’s not so much the reviving storylines that bother me, but more so that 11 episodes in, we still don’t really have a clear idea of what the endgame is. Keeping that in mind though, in the end, I still love this season and try to not to take it too seriously. It’s about witches and voodoo queens and all these random things, so I’m just gonna sit back and be entertained. While the storylines are a bit random, at least the acting is amazing.

  18. cabs says:

    I just have one thing to say.. “Listen up white devil.”

  19. Lisa says:

    Copied and pasted this from an interview:

    Executive producer Tim Minear has stated that, while this season’s tone might be lighter with more humor, the global themes of it will be “oppression of minorities of all kinds, and within that idea, minority groups going after each other and doing the work of the larger culture.” He added, “While there is a strong feminist theme that runs throughout Coven, there are themes of race and themes of oppression, and themes of family — especially mothers and daughters.

    I really think the themes from above have all been addressed this season. As for not knowing where this is all going, I remember last year when lots of comments where: “there’s
    only 2 episodes left and I can’t figure out where this is headed!” I know for sure that that was exactly what my husband and I were both saying.