The Bachelorette: Become Fluent in the Desiree-Brooks Saga With 15 Wacky Screengrabs

Here’s a dilemma for quality TV lovers with active social schedules: You’d rather brush your teeth with steel wool than spend two hours of your life watching The Bachelorette. Nevertheless, with ABC billing the show’s latest two-part finale (Part 1 aired last Monday; Part 2 airs this Monday, 8/7c) as “the television event of the summer,” chances are you’ll be hearing the names “Desiree” and “Brooks” and possibly even “Drew” at brunches and dinner parties and play dates this weekend. (How awful!)

Fret not: You want some rudimentary Bachelorette literacy? TVLine has your back. We watched Part 1 in all its tear-soaked, fantasy-suite-smooching glory shame, and we’ve boiled the action down to 15 key screengrabs that will help you understand the entire sordid story of heartbreak, betrayal and truly terrible hair.

So click through the gallery below for the full scoop, then come back next Tuesday (if you’re masochistic enough to want to know how the whole “fairytale” concludes).

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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18 Comments
  1. Nephtalia says:

    That was exactly my dilemma. My housekeeper was like, ‘Did you watch ‘The Bachlorette’, OMG what is she going to do? Then, the same thing happen to me at work. Now I have to watch that stupid finale. Thanks for the update Micheal!

  2. I tend to find “No” and “Don’t know, don’t care” works really well in these situations.

  3. Bobbi says:

    Michael, your commentary makes watching any show so much better! Thank you for the laughs!

  4. Skeff says:

    I can’t stop laughing at Picture #12, Brook’s hair’s spirit animal. Hahahahaha. Classic!!! Great work as always, Michael.

  5. ali427 says:

    HILARIOUS!!! Bravo. :)

  6. wrstlgirl says:

    LOL, this will have me laughing all day. Thanks Michael. For me though I’m still trying to understand what with Des knowing full well that she’s in love with Brooks and he is her end game but she still made out with and went to the Fantasy suite and spent the night/s with Drew and Chris.

    • Jill says:

      I thought the same way WHY did she spend the nights with Drew and Chris When she was suppose to Love Brooks “fully”and as she said “SHE WANTED TO SPEND ALL HER TIME WITH BROOKS !* THEN WHEN CHRIS PROPOSED TO HER SHE ADDED SOMETHING ABOUT CHRIS BEING THE ONE * ILL RE WATCH WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY AND IT BOILS DOWN TO I DONT SEE HER AND CHRIS MAKING IT BECAUSE SHE DOES HAVE SOMETHING DEEP FOR BROOKS BUT I FEEL BROOKS FEELS REALLY HURT BUT TIME WILL TELL I THINK SHE JUST SETTLED WITH CHRIS JUST TO HAVE A PERSON THAT TRUELY LOVES HER AND THATS NOT GONNA WORK TIME WILL SHOW US ALL THAT SHE REALIZES SHE SETTLED AND THAT WAS NOT FARE TO CHRIS OR CHRIS WILL RELIZE HE SETTLED FOR 2ND AND SHOULD NOT HAVE ???? MAYBE IM WRONG BUT I DONT THINK HER AND CHRIS ARE GONNA LAST ALSO IF SHE WOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT TIME AND SHE COULD HAVE(BUT DIDNT) TAKE THAT TIME TO SPEND WITH BROOKS HE WOULD NOT HAVE GONE BACK HOME TO HAVE HIS SISTER AND mom RESSURE HIM THAT “NO” WAS THE ANSWER TO HIS UNCLEAR QUESTION!!!! IF I WERE his age I would treat him like he needed to be treated and she woud not be a 2nd thought and WE ALL SEEN THE TEARS IN HIS EYES ON STAGE SAYING HE DIDNT HAVE THOSE FEELINGS HE NEEDED TO FEEL OF COARSE NOT SHE WAITED TO LONG TO LET BROOKS KNOW HER REAL FEELINGS I SEEN IT IN HIS EYES!!!ALSO HE SAID I COULDNT LEAVE HER CRYING “HE SO WANTED TO CHANGE HIS ANSWER BECAUSE HE SAID WHY DID YOU WAIT SO LONG to tell me???? He said this is this is the worst day of my whole life!!! But Des showed alot of affection(a lot to much to each guy) so I think that might have been just to see how they kissed To much for me to understand but I do not believe she did anything over night with these 2guys BUT WITH THAT ALL SAID I ALSO DONT BELIEVE THEY HAD ENOUGH TIME TOGETHER FOR HIM TO PURPOSE AFTER THE SHOW WAS OVER AND I M SURE THATS WHAT BOTHERED BROOKS BEING ONE OF THE BIGGEST REASONS WHY HE COULDNT COMMIT TO HER 100% AT THAT POINT!!! JUST MY OPINION ~JILL~

  7. bean99 says:

    Too funny. Better than the actual episode (which was a trainwreck). Of course I watched it anyway.

  8. Evangeline Green says:

    When will ABC stop filling up these guy’s slots with gay men?

  9. Yo says:

    Yeah, that Brooks guy has one fine head of hair. Over at the CBS network and the Big Brother, a Jeremy had a body I need a poster of. Just notes in passing on my way to Antiques roadshow. Stupid shows, both, though – unless you are an entertainment writer, for whom they are heaven sent.

  10. Raye says:

    Hilarious, good review. Laughed so hard I was crying. All true, and what I did not realize before, now has perspective.

  11. Timmah says:

    I love #6. I think Chris needs another nose adjustment.

  12. Lily L says:

    Okay, Michael…the one with Brooks’ hair blowing like a cockatoo…made me spit up my coffee. And the plaid shirt on Chris…no way. But you know the whole show is manipulated. Here’s the deal. Brooks to Producers: Are you crazy? Propose? I only know this girl 10 weeks (or whatever the amount is) and yeah she’s nice, but propose??? Marriage??? Producers to Brooks: Okay…let’s play it up for the camera, after all you did sign a contract and THEN…THEN, we bring you back, you have a change of heart and YOU DO propose. But not to worry…you can break it off in 6 mos. It happens.

    OR

    Producers to Brooks: Hey, here’s a nifty idea. We know Des is madly in love with you…so she says…so let’s stir the pot a bit. We need the ratings anyway. Let’s have you unsure of your feelings and by doing this, we’re sure to get higher ratings than ever.

    Brooks to Producers: Yeah, yeah, but I’d better get a part on The Young and the Restless after this.

    Whatever. I actually admire Brooks for his honesty (just in case it is honesty). The other two make me barf. They’re too schmarmy. Especially Chris. Yucks if I hear another bad poem or song…I’m going to tell him to go home and let his dad lift something gross out of his nose again. Drew…he needs some of whatever Brooks is doing to his hair because talk about product on someone’s hair…grease is the word.

    So that about sums it up. My guess is Brooks has a change of heart after seeing those rings from Neil whatshisname and proposes. They stay engaged until whatever date their contract expires and then they go their merry ways.

    If you noticed on Kimmel and Men Tell All…Des was happy. I’m just sayin’.

  13. Timmah says:

    If I had to guess… and I haven’t read any spoilers… I think Brooks will realize he made a terrible mistake and come begging Des to take him back, and they have their moment and go off into the sunset. I mean, that’s basically how every rom com since The Graduate has ended, right?

  14. Dinkerzz says:

    Michael, I wish you still did the bachelor/bachelorette recaps again. They were hilarious. This article cracked me up and made me miss them even more!

  15. This is freakin’ hilarious. Thanks for putting it all perspective. Brilliant, I must say!

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