Mistresses Recap: 'Cahoots Happen!'

MISTRESSES Recap UltimatumThe exclamation “Oh no she ditn’t!” may have had its heyday somewhere between the end of Seinfeld and the beginning of the Kardashian sisters’ horrifying trek from the primordial ooze and into the public consciousness, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t shout it three separate times during this week’s installment of Mistresses.

RELATED | ABC Extends Mistresses Cast’s Options — Is a Season 2 Renewal Next?

The first utterance signified a state of surprise, the second a moment of unbridled delight. The final instance, though, tapped into the phrase’s root meaning as I grappled with a zinger (from Penelope Ann Miller’s wily Elizabeth Grey) so audaciously bitchy that my ears leapt several feet off the sides of my head and shot spouts of steam — cartoon-style.

So let’s not delay another moment — and instead jump right into the central story arcs and key questions raised during “Ultimatum.”

SAVI | Savi makes another visit to her doctor, but decides to postpone listening to the fetal heartbeat till an appointment that Harry can attend. Little does she know but her heartbroken hubby’s schedule was actually wide open — it’s just that he’s got some reservations (and not at Savannah’s Kitchen), as he reveals to Karen during a chance run-in. Turns out that punching Dom in the face didn’t solve everything, and Harry’s wondering how his marriage can survive if the baby isn’t his. “Take it day by day; you may be surprised what you’re capable of,” Karen suggests.

But you know who’s surprising me? Hot Dom, who tells Savi he’s not about to sign over his parental rights if the baby turns out to be his. Granted, his one-time sex partner continues to be completely dismissive of his feelings, but it’s not like he can sit there and argue that he was ever hoping for procreation or fatherhood as a side effect of what they did on top of that desk once upon a time. (If he keeps this up, he’s gonna get downgraded to Handsome Dom — I’m not even joking.)

Anyhow, things take a turn for the Heavy (upper-case in this case) when Savi comes home and Harry’s all, “We need to talk.” Hat tip to Alyssa Milano for a masterful reaction shot, as Savi braces for the worst, trembling and welling up with tears, and pleading, “No, no, no.” Turns out, though, her hubby’s about to go and make things so complicated — apologies for the Avril Lavigne reference, it just seemed to fit — by dropping this bombshell: He’s been able to visualize their marriage surviving Savi’s one-time-only infidelity — except in the event that the bun in her oven isn’t one of his recipes, if you catch my drift. “If the baby isn’t mine, you have a choice to make,” Harry reiterates. “Me or the baby.” And that ultimatum is Rated W…for Whoa, Dude!

Savi gives it some thought, and later on — probably after listening to Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach” on repeat, lobs back a definitive answer: “I’m keeping this baby.” And not only that, she knows it without any paternity-test results. “Please fight for us,” she begs, but the dashing Australian chef’s just been through too much. “I’m sorry love,” he says, sadly. “I’ve just got no fight left.” Is it any wonder the next day that when an ominous envelope from the ominously named Genzide laboratory lands on her desk, Savi doesn’t open it, but rather slips it into a drawer, locks it and lets fate leave her a voicemail message. Like Harry noted, given the trouble with his swimmers, “the odds aren’t exactly in their favor.”

Key questions: How come Karen didn’t call Savi the minute she was done talking to Harry? (I know, I know, that’d be betraying Harry’s trust, but it’s not like he doesn’t know where her loyalties lie.) Was Harry’s ultimatum too stern? And do either he or Savi truly believe their relationship could survive him pressuring her into having an abortion?

JOSS | Joss and Alex, on a shopping spree to liven up the latter’s depressing bachelorette pad, bump into Alex’s ex Sally and her new girlfriend Story. (Yes, we can pause momentarily while you process that doozy of a name.) Later, Alex freaks out while Facebook stalking Sally and realizing she’s been cropped out of every photo. But Joss is all, “you need closure” and — her definition of “needing closure” being very different from the one in the dictionary — promptly hops on Alex’s lap for some makeout time.

Eventually, though, the blurred lines get to be too much for Alex — who decides that her romantic feelings for Joss make it impossible for them to be friends, especially friends with benefits. It’s a decision that sends Joss into a spiral — and to Savi’s office for a little sisterly wisdom. “Is she sick?” asks Savi, alarmed, when Joss mentions there’s a problem with her gal pal. “Man are you dark,” Joss retorts, because Joss is awesome and hilarious. But when Savi brushes her off — she’s getting enough stares from her coworkers after the punch heard ’round the office party — Joss winds up getting advice from none other than bossman Olivier. “You may be frequently inappropriate and overly confident, but you are not a quitter,” he tells her. And so Joss lays out an awesome brunch for Alex (not a euphemism), declares how important their relationship is to her, and says she wants to take off the emergency brake and try out a romantic relationship.

Key questions: Why does Olivier’s continued interest in Alex keep coming up every week? We’re not about to journey to the center of a three-way, are we? And knowing Joss’ general lack of success with long-term committments, wouldn’t it have made more sense for her to prepare a friendship brunch than one with lovey-dovey implications?

KAREN | Oh, Karen. Girlfriend is a hotter mess than a carton of eggs smashed into an open fireplace, so I’m gonna keep this brief, OK? When Sam shows up for an appointment with Karen’s officemate Jacob, she’s all, “Sam, call me ASAP.” And since boundaries are to Sam like articles about the dangers of Diet Coke are to me — we both ignore ’em — he doesn’t actually use his phone and call Karen back, but instead shows up in front of her (HGTV dream) house. At night. Looking a little, er, intense. “Are you scared of me?” he asks, as Karen backs away. And Karen reminds him that, like, duh, he broke into her freakin’ office. That prompts an even crazier move from Sam. “I think I’m in love with you!” he blurts, before zooming away in his car.

The next day, Jacob shares with Karen that Sam cancelled on their therapy session — while wondering aloud if there’s anything Karen might not be telling him. But Karen plays it dumb, and Jacob offers that since Karen treated Sam’s late dad and knows Sam’s mom, it “might be worth a call” to Mrs. Grey — just so someone’s looking out for the kid.

Because boundaries and professionalism are to Karen as warnings about the dangers of too much iPad time are to children, she drops by Elizabeth’s for a visit and tells her that in her professional opinion, Sam might be in real psychological trouble. Elizabeth’s eyes gleam with delight at “professional opinion,” and she wonders if Karen’s been treating her son. No, says Karen, who then admits that in the course of their conversations, “Sam’s become infatuated with me.” And that’s when we get my favorite bon mot from the entire summer TV season thus far: “Maybe you should tell him you were screwing his father: That should break the spell.” Oh. F***ing. Snap. Karen’s eyes widen, and Elizabeth presses on, her voice almost a whisper. “You’re not gonna try to deny it, are you? Because that would be embarassing.” Oh, and if that wasn’t enough of a whopper for you, Karen looks up to see SAM HAS JUST WALKED INTO THE ROOM. And from the look on his face, he heard everything.

Key questions: Why does Karen continue to dig herself into a deeper and deeper chasm with the Greys? Doesn’t she remember Savi’s “lethal doses of morphine” warnings? And is it fair to say that as far as letting your husband’s mistress know that you know about their affair, that was game, set and match for Elizabeth?

APRIL | The episode picks up where we left off — with April in shock at her presumed dead hubby Paul showing up at her door. And much to my screaming delight, what does April do? SHE TAKES A CALL WHEN HER CELLPHONE RINGS. (What better way to be a great mom than with a “Sorry, I know you’re just back from the dead, but this could be about my daughter…”) Yep, turns out Lucy got sick on the way home via carpool, and she’ll be home in a jiffy. April shoos away Paul, then goes to meet him later at the Tangerine Hotel, where she delivers a crisp slap after he dares to grab her arm. When Paul starts stammering that he doesn’t know where to start explaining himself, April hits the roof and blurts out this hilarious one-liner: “You faked your own death — start there!”

So Paul rambles that he’d lost his job and he’d married the homecoming queen and he didn’t feel good enough for April and he’d always been waiting for the other shoe to drop and he had the affair with Miranda and it was dumb and she got pregnant and blah blah blah. And that’s where he got the plan to fake his death and at least leave April with some money. “So you left two women to mourn you and raise your children?” April asks. Um, not quite. Paul drops anothe doozy in April’s lap: He’s been living with Miranda and little Scotty for the last three years, so only one woman was mourning him. It’s just that Miranda kept tabs on April’s bank account, got greedy when times got rough, and decided it was time to get her share.

Cue emergency meeting of our four main ladies. (Don’t you love the way Savi, Karen and Joss drop everything and rush to their friend’s aid?) And while Karen asks a couple of very odd questions — “Does [Paul] look the same?” “When you saw him, did you cry?” — Joss uproariously projects an even crazier scenario that perhaps Paul enticed Miranda to get the $100,000 from April, with plans to kill her once the scam was done. “Cahoots happens!” she shrugs, in yet another example of why Mistresses is my favorite network show this summer. (Let’s all try to make “Cahoots happen” by the end of the month, yes?) Nevertheless, the question looms: Was Paul lying about living with Miranda? Could she be in the dark too? Are they in cahoots scheming April? Or did Miranda go rogue/greedy to try to get the money without Paul’s foreknowledge (as he claims)?

So April stages a little scam of her own: She invites Miranda to her shop to get her money, and right as she hands over the check, Paul strolls in. “What are you doing here?” Miranda asks, mildly perplexed. “Yeah, see, I was way more shocked that that,” offers April, who promptly snatches check from her rival’s hand with such force that the paper makes a satisfying popping sound as it’s relinquished. YES ON TOP OF YES!

Paul and Miranda begin to bicker, and when Paul huffs that April worked (outside the home) and raised their child so Miranda ought to be able to generate some income, too, April decides it’s time to shut some s*** down. “Don’t include me in this sick-ass conversation!” she roars. “Y’all can go back to the Florida swamp you crawled out of: You both deserve each other.”

“You’re still dead,” she hisses at Paul, before turning to Miranda, “and you can go to hell!”

Key questions: Who would win in a battle of bitchy barbs between April and Elizabeth? Do you think the worst is over, or is Miranda going to reveal the whole faked death so April has to forefit the insurance money and lose her store? And what can Dashing Richard do next week to help distract April from these nuclear-level shenanigans?

OK, for the EIGHTH straight week, I’ve passed the 1,000-word count on an article about FREAKIN’ MISTRESSES! Let me turn it over to you: What’d you think of the show this week? What key questions do you have? Sound off in the comments! And follow me on Twitter for all my recaps, commentary and exclusive clips!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. sladewilson says:

    Okay, I’m gonna say it. As much as I LOVE me some Alyssa Milano, Savi’s starting to get on my nerves. I’m trying to chalk it up to hormones, because I wasn’t feeling how she treated Joss, Dom, Harry… come on. I still think Harry’s got some secret love somewhere, but still – you can understand the man’s plight here. And I’m not saying he’s right but Savi is way more IN LOVE with Harry then vice versa.

    Oh and someone please tell April to change her damn password now!!!! I’m hoping April tells Richard all. Esp. since it looks like Paul is sticking around for a lil’ bit… Karen is the hottest mess on TV right now. And watching this, you can tell it’s just gonna get miles worst…

    ABC now have two summer hits that I love (this and Rookie Blue).

  2. TLG says:

    I love this show….I caught the British version and loved that. I do hope ABC picks it up for a second season. Kudos to Alyssa Milano coming back to television.

    • Willis says:

      Call me politically incorrect, but there is a complication to Savi’s pregnancy that wasn’t an issue in the UK version. If the child is Dom’s, s/he will be bi-racial, and there will be no way of hiding from the world that the child is not Harry’s. Expecting Harry to get past the effect of that constant reminder, not just to them, but to everyone they know, is a tall order. This particular indiscretion may be just too much to get over, and it’s disingenuous to blame Harry.

  3. GTS says:

    I don’t know how Harry even thought he should ask Savi to get an abortion (or give the baby to Dom, or try adoption, whatever) and she would even consider it. Also, how would she feel if she did get pregnant with Harry, after knowing she aborted another baby she had? After trying so long to get pregnant?

  4. Stacie says:

    Jes Macallan(Joss) is the best thing on the show. I’m not even saying the Joss/Alex relationship is the most intriguing storyline, but Joss is such a great character and Jes just gives the perfect funny lines when she has to, and then delivers some emotional punch, like she did tonight when she thought she was losing her friend. I think Joss made the right decision. She was gonna lose Alex anyways, so might has well try a relationship and see what happens. Nothing to lose I guess.

    I am happy to see some big movements on this show. The great thing about only having 13 episodes is that a good amount of stuff has to happen. On a regular soap it would have taken months and months to get to where we are with the April storyline. The Karen storyline is finally picking up. The Savi storyline needs to move along a little more, I do hope we learn of the paternity of the kid. That should be interesting. Overall another really solid episode.

  5. rachelle says:

    April is a much better person than me! If Paul had shown up on my doorstep after pulling his little stunt, I would’ve punched him dead in the face. After he told me he’d been living it up with his mistress for the past three years?? I would’ve gotten the chair cause I would’ve killed him! Lol, I can’t remember saying “Oh HELL no!!” so many times when April was on screen than I did during this episode. Paul was just killing me over and over with his BS.

    Savi’s right for not aborting cause she’s been having too tough a time getting pregnant. This baby is a blessing. I don’t want her marriage to be ruined, but I so want the baby to be Dom’s. Mixed babies are the cutest! Shallow of me, I know.

    Joss and Alex are cute, but I worry that Joss hasn’t had enough time to think this whole relationship with a woman thing through. I mean she just changed her orientation pretty much because she was faced with an ultimatum.

    I screamed at the ending scene. I suspected that Elizabeth knew about Karen and her husband this whole time and now I know for sure. Karen is indeed the hottest of all hot messes and it’s about time all her stupid decisions blew up in her face.

    • blancaster60 says:

      Actually, shallow doesn’t even begin to describe your comment. And if I read one more “…but he’s so hot…” comment about Dom, I’m going to throw up. The guy is an a**hole and Harry should have hit him multiple times in his pretty face.

      As for Harry telling Savi she may have to choose between him and the baby, that’s a tough one. It may seem like a cruel ultimatum,but Savi got herself in this mess and to expect her husband to be reminded every day for the rest of his life that his wife cheated on him is a lot to ask (if this show follows the same story line as the British version, Harry is not the baby daddy). I have read about a few situations like this where the woman carried the baby full term and then gave him/her up for adoption to save their marriage. Do I think it’s unfair for Harry to tell Savi to make that kind of a choice? No. Would I understand if Savi isn’t able to give up her baby if Dom is the father? Yes. Bottom line, it’s a crappy situation in real life or TV Land – regardlessof how cute the child may be if it is Dom’s (seriously?).

      • Kimkim112 says:

        Even though this may not be the same as the British version, a “spoiler alert” about the baby daddy would’ve been nice. Please keep that in mind!

        • blancaster60 says:

          Oops – My bad! Actually, I’ll even do you one better. I’ll just keep my opinions to myself. Expressing views on these boards usually leads to being ripped to pieces, eventually. It’s just not worth it. So adios!.

          • Kimkim112 says:

            I didn’t mean to offend you or run you off, nor did I say a single thing about your opinion. You are welcome to say whatever you like, of course. I just asked for some respect regarding spoilers, no harm meant.

      • rachelle says:

        Lol, he’s an a-hole??? Why?? Cause he took what was freely being given??? Savi is not blameless and Dom’s not a jerk. I don’t see how he could be. It takes two to tango, not to mention Savi initiated their sexual encounter. Dom’s also been nothing but understanding and accommodating. And my shallow comment was a joke, so thanks for nitpicking and completely misunderstanding me for the sake of talking crap on the internet!

  6. James says:

    I need a second season — and more Joss!!!

  7. Cindy says:

    Oh my. What a show! Moreover what a synopsis! Love you Michael! April killed me with that “crawl back to the swamp where you came from”!! Loved it. Don’t know what’s going to happen to Karen but it’s going to be bad. As usual, really looking foreword to next weeks show and column!!

  8. ollie says:

    I so wanted april to punch paul right in the gut.

  9. Shuayb says:

    LoL Michael’s recap and review of Mistresses is the best thing about this show…
    I fistbumped my screen when I saw what April did. Finally she got her crap together… Obviously it is not over and now Paul is staying so her stuff just got even more complicated but still, high five for that takedown. Elizabeth Grey is still the bitch because she used Karen. I seriously hope Karen call Newsome to help her with this mess. Sounds like he would be the best person to help her.

    I think that the writers could not have made a more complicated story for Savi and Harry. Its downright ridonckulous. I really hope that the baby is Harry’s just because I prefer Harry and Savi. What I want to happen is that Savi realizes somwhere down the line that it is maybe Dom who she wants to be with and that is where things get complicated.

    I really hope that ABC renews this show for a summer run next year but I am not holding my breath because they never give Woman only shows more than one season…

  10. Jared says:

    This episode had MULTIPLE scenes I had to rewind and watch (at least) a second time. Bitchy bon mots FTW.

  11. Meghan says:

    I am so obsessed with this show and now that I’ve read Slezak’s recap, I’m obsessed with that too.

  12. Saabgirlatx says:

    When Joss crawled up on Alex’s lap I was like, did I miss something?? And I’ve probably asked this before but wasn’t she selling buckets of homes when she was banging her boss so why can’t she get her own (fabulous) place??

    April: was great to see her finally stand up for herself, but I can see that pesky insurance money being in jeapordy.

    Karen: I have no words. What’s the guess its either of the Greys that get shot?

    I agree Savi’s storyline is getting a bit stale. The paranoia scene was hilar tho. She’s do sure the baby is Dom’s you know it will be Harry’s!!

  13. Dave says:

    Please Please Please come back for Season 2!!!

  14. Becca Porter says:

    I think Savi might be carrying those rare fraternal twins by different daddies.

    • Carm says:

      Now that would be interesting.

    • Denette says:

      What I don’t understand is the fact that these two attorneys (should have brains, right?) had sex with no protection. That was just plain dumb.

      • Valerie says:

        We don’t know that they didn’t use protection. They may have, and it just didn’t work. Condoms have about a 10-15 percent failure rate with typical use.

  15. Kimberly says:

    I don’t know if you remember me or not, but I ordered a Love Spell from you back in August. Like 1 week went by and nothing happened, so I just sort of gave up on it and forgot about it. I’d been thinking about it all the time before then, but trying to stay positive. Well, I guess forgetting about it was the best thing I could do. I started dating another guy, and before I knew if Jim was all into me, acting like he couldn’t live without me. I just know this is all your doing. I dumped the other guy and Jim and I are together now. Thank you for not letting me down. Go and get your help from Ancientfathersandmothers @ gmail . com