Mistresses Recap: I'm Pregnant. [Pause]

Mistresses Recap Decisions DecisionsThis week’s Mistresses was Rated W…for Waah Chicka Waah Waah; WTF; Wait Just a Second Now; and WHOA!

Yes indeed, “Decisions, Decisions” found April and Joss making like Missy Elliott and getting their respective freaks on; Karen continuing to make inscrutable life decisions; Dominic declaring that he’s more than just an (obscenely hot) opportunistic hook-up; and Savi coming all-the-way clean to Harry (in a scene that made me audibly gasp).

Juicy, juicy stuff. So let’s not delay. Instead, we’ll jump right to the action for our quartet of protagonists — while raising pertinent questions we’ll need to see answered in their futures:

SAVI | Uh-oh. Harry gives Savi a morning kiss, declares that her breath smells of pennies and Googles the symptoms, determining that she might be [cue Oprah voice in 3, 2, 1…] HAVING HIS BAY-BAYYYY! Alas, though, the results of Savi’s paternity test haven’t come back, so she brushes off his enthusiasm, heads to work and finds herself irked when Dom stands outside her office flirting with some newbie chick. Savi notes she’s got no issue with Dom moving on, rather, she’s “got a problem with flighty girls in flimsy blouses not doing their work — and preventing me from doing mine.” MMM. KAYYY? Dominic, though, ain’t goin’ out like that, and confesses to Savi that their one-night-at-the-office stand actually meant something to him. “I don’t regret what happened that night. Not for a moment. Not for a second.” [Sidebar: Did anyone else need the smelling salts after that line?] Continuing the “Savi’s worst month ever” theme, she arrives home to find Harry presenting her with a virgin cranberry mojito and a pregnancy test. When she hits the bathroom — panicking, naturally — she discovers she’s spotting, and figures it means she’s miscarried. Later, though, her OB-GYN informs her that’s totally normal and her pregnancy is still viable — but her blood pressure and heart rate are off the charts. So what’s an expectant mom in a pickle supposed to do? When she comes home and finds Harry lamenting what might’ve been — while trying to stuff a copy of What to Expect When You’re Expecting back on the shelf, she decides to come clean. “I’m pregnant, Harry, but it might not be yours.”

Key questions: Did Savi do the right thing in giving Harry the whole, unvarnished truth? (I’ve got to admit, while I supported the idea of her carrying the ugly secret to her grave, the stakes got too high — with the baby on the way — to not give him full honesty.) Can their marriage survive? And do we still think Harry’s been getting it on with that skank hostess at his restaurant? (We may not have seen her since the premiere, but we never forget, do we ladies and assorted gents?)

JOSS | Joss kicks off the week with that guy in her bed again (codename: Musculus Infantilus), you know the one who likes to watch cartoons and isn’t much for conversation. Alex shows up at Joss’s while dude is still naked and passed out, but Joss essentially dismisses it with an unspoken, “no biggie… he sleeps through anything — including my vague flirtation with my new lesbian BFF.” The gals go for a hike, and Joss says she’s gonna take a shower while Alex figures out where to go for brunch. Little does she know… brunch is going down in the shower, if I ain’t being too subtle. “Do you mind if I join you?” says Alex, who’s apparently left her clothes at the bathroom door (a pretty strong show of confidence, if you ask me). Things get steamy — on every conceivable level — but afterward, Joss explains she’s hoping they can keep things casual. Harry, though, who spots the sapphic connection in his kitchen, confronts Joss while she makes jokes about his abnormally large cucumber (not a euphemism). If Joss’ friendship with Alex matters, why is she mucking it up with sex? he asks. Hasn’t she learned from the rom-com genre that friends can’t have sex? “The lesson I learned,” huffs Joss, “was not to be the boring straight person whose conventional values never bring them any happiness.” But when Joss goes to help Alex move into her new apartment, and Alex’s fresh ex Sally says it’s clear Alex has fallen for Joss, our plucky realtor decides to back off. Well… for a hot minute anyway. When the boy-toy begins to bore Joss, and Alex texts a funny pic of her new pet lizard, Joss can’t resist. She bops out of her guesthouse abode — while dude is still in the shower — to visit the woman for whom she might just be falling.

Key questions: Might Joss be a little less straight than she thinks she is? Might Alex just be using Joss as a rebound? And is it crazy that I think in the end, Alex might go back to Sally at the exact moment Joss takes down her walls and admits she’s falling in love? Stay tuned.

APRIL | So here’s April’s week in a nutshell. Her accountant informs her that even though she’s his most responsible client ever, she’s burning through her late hubby’s $500,000 insurance settlement rápidamente. Midway through their pow-wow, she gets a call that 10-year-old Lucy didn’t show up for school. What to the what? Turns out she ditched it — along with Hot Richard’s daughter — to go to a Selena Gomez book signing, chaperoned by (as April grimly notes) “a woman who drives a Hummer. Not feeling comforted.” (April is hilarious? We all need April in our lives? Yes? Yes.) April’s stern sit-down with Lucy goes oddly when her own kid seems strangely unrepentant about her Selena experience and calls her mom a “goody two-shoes” on top of it. Later, when Richard drops by her shop to chat, his “Spidey sense” tells him that April somehow regrets being the good girl who’s never done anything impulsive. Which leads to — ohnosheditn’t! ohYESshemostcertainlyDIDthedamnthing! — a massive kiss, a “Closed” sign on the home-furnishings-shop door, and the old adage “if the floor-model bed’s a rockin’, don’t come a knockin’.” Richard, he’s got his own hilarious take: “You’re gonna have to mark down this bed after what we just put it through.” Oh yes. And oh snap.

Key questions: Let’s just allow April a week of unadulterated sexytimes and not wonder about her obvi-not-dead hubby and his obvi-up-to-no-good possible harlot/possible baby mama/possible con-artist mistress.

KAREN | Oh, Karen, thanks for being such a hot mess so the rest of us can feel like we’re CRUSHING IT on every possible level of our personal and professional lives. (Even if an afternoon thundershower made it “too wet” to break out our new running shoes. And even if there’s a pint of Heath-Bar Crunch defrosting on the counter as a reward for finishing this recap. Sigh.) Karen, even as she flirts with a malpractice suit, professional discrediting and maybe jailtime, gets invited to be a keynote speaker at some fancy dinner alongside L.A.’s mayor and Hillary Clinton (!). [Jacob scores more points by revealing his crush on the former Secretary of State.] Pesky Investigator Newsome (Gary Dourdan) is back again this week, once again requesting Karen’s notes on her late former lover/patient Thomas Gray, and this time he mentions his investigation could turn criminal. [Dun dun DUNNN] Karen meets with her former lover/patient’s wife, but Elizabeth is all sunglasses and evasiveness and storming out of the cafe when Karen asks why Elizabeth dimissed “Cora the Hospice Nurse” early on the night Thomas died. “You may recall I was about to kill my husband with the drugs you so kindly provided,” huffs Elizabeth. “It’s possible I wasn’t thinking straight.” Preach, sister! Later, Elizabeth returns and tells Karen she’s decided she doesn’t want the insurance money anymore, and that Karen needs to forge some notes declaring Thomas was indeed suicidal in the weeks leading up to his death. “We’re in this together,” she says, as a polite way of saying, “If I’m gonna do the cell-block tango, you’re gonna be my dance partner, bey-otch!” So Karen goes to her laptop and — instead of trying to get her speech in order — begins to cover her professional and personal tracks by painting a picture of Thomas as a man on the brink of ending it all.

Mistresses ABC JacobKey questions: Karen is so ending up in the clink, isn’t she? Wouldn’t Cora the Hospice Nurse be a hot name for a Nurse Jackie spinoff? And how much did you love Jacob telling Karen to imagine everyone at the benefit dinner might be naked, except him, because that would be weird? Obviously, though, Karen (if she has any sanity or dignity left) should try to visualize the exact opposite. I mean, just look at this handsome devil, yes?

Week’s Best Quotes
“If you’re too sad to hike, I totally understand.” — Joss, trying to get out of a workout with Alex

“Teenagers don’t get to have autobiographies! What is going on here?” — April, aghast that her daughter cut school for a Selena Gomez book signing

“Despite what just happened — which, to be honest, was pretty gay — when it comes to my sexual orientation, I’m straight. I love me some penis.” — Joss, breaking it down for Alex

“Apparently my breath smells like some kind of metal baby. Whatever. I can’t talk about it. I just can’t.” — Savi, arriving at brunch with Karen and April

“And I want to meet the Pope so I can punch him in the face — but you don’t see me flying off to Rome.” — April, telling her daughter you can’t always get what you want

OK, for the fifth straight week, I’ve passed the 1,000-word count on an article about FREAKIN’ MISTRESSES! Let me turn it over to you: What’d you think of the show this week? What key questions do you have? Sound off in the comments!

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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  1. Tori says:

    I love your recaps. Reading your recaps make me feel like I am sitting down with a old friend, gossiping about some other friends.I hope the show have several seasons worth in them, even if it’s just for your hilarious recaps.

    • sam says:

      Right on with you on Slezak’s recaps. And especially how point on he is on Mistresses. And simply awesome.
      Dude is the hotness!

    • liv tanner says:

      if only He’d get over the whole FREAKIN MISTRESSES thing. Annoying when the person getting paid to do this is bitter about it.

  2. forwarddad says:

    Why Slezak why . Paid well to recap this swill?

  3. Gillian Rosh says:

    The whole show is kind of a hot mess, which I guess is why I cannot stop watching. Thanks for the (well written and well structured) recap.

  4. Heather says:

    I actually love it LOL its summer trashy television and hey at least its not another reality show.

  5. Nerwen Aldarion says:

    I think these recaps are hilarious! keep them up!

  6. Yasssssss the last two quotes gave me life. I knew Harry was cheating but then I forgot all about the girl. I love April. So I’m happy she is letting her hair down. Such a good actor btw. I hope the guy she’s sleeping with does not use her tho. I thought he had no interest? Once she opened up to him he seemed to want to be with her. Joss…. Well she has gone gay. Welcome to the fold. And as for Karen…. Girl you might as well start packing up your office. Although I wonder what they are going to do with Mr. Hottie in the office? Savi punched that ass and did what she had to do. Although I wanted her to take it to the grave also…. But that’s before I found out Harry possibly really did cheat. DEVORCE.

  7. Meg says:

    Well, I’ve seen the whole season. It’s a mess. Joss/Alex storyline is awful and I couldn’t believe the way they ended it. Plus, Savi and April’s drama is so ott. The UK version was so much better.

  8. Robin says:

    Whoops I’m behind! Is it the lighting or the makeup, but do the women look like clowns? Way too much blush! AM is the only one who seems to be wearing the right colors. This distracts me every time!

  9. Flick says:

    Am I the only one who wants Karen and Jacob to get together? Love those two! And Richard and April, finally!! This show – such a guilty pleasure. What can I say.

  10. alisonblogg says:

    Loved that this was rated W! And the Oprah voice “HAVING HIS BAY-BAYYYY!” made me literally laugh out loud.

  11. Kim R says:

    I can’t believe I’m going to comment. Totally admitting I’m watching Mistresses. What has become of me?? :) If the actress who is playing Karen could take some lessons from the actress who is playing April’s daughter it might be easier to watch her onscreen. Man. She is NOT good. And what is with the major spoilers in the promos? I don’t think I’ve seen a show do that except maybe Ellen when they throw to commercial and totally spoil what is coming up next. I don’t get it.
    I have to “dumb down” my brain when I’m watching and remember this is not Suits or The Good Wife where the writing is so stellar. Once I get into that mind set, it is fine to fill an hour. :)

    • Babygate says:

      Agree about Karen. I loved the actress when she did Lost, but she just does not fit into this role at all…

  12. sgraha2 says:

    I am enjoy this guilty pleasure so much, and I always love Slezak recaps. I agree with the comment above. Reading these recaps is like gossiping with an old friend.

  13. KD says:

    This may be one of the best looking casts on tv right now.

  14. KD says:

    Oh and… when did Monday night during summer become so good… American Ninja Warrior, Under the Dome, Mistresses. I’m glad that network channels have decided to put more effort into their summer line ups.

  15. Karrie says:

    I freakin’ love this summer trashy show and my hubby is actually enjoying it too! #GuiltyPleasure Daytime soaps could learn a thing or two from this show! #Steamy

  16. PFitzDC says:

    LOVE this recap….actually makes me want to watch this hot-mess of a show for more than 2 minutes at a time….

  17. GeoDiva says:

    I was just telling my daughter that I can’t believe I am watching this trash, when Savi blurted out the truth. Damn! I’ll be back next week for sure!

  18. Dawn says:

    Is anyone else thinking that Elizabeth figured out the sunglasses her son found at the loft were Karen’s and is setting Karen up for the fall with the “fake your notes” strategy? Then, Karen will loose her practice and go to jail, while Elizabeth can claim she was just a wife tring to honor her husbands wishes.

    Also, I agree, that April’s hubby is not-so-dead…once they shared the story of how he died in a BOATING accident, followed by the baby-Mama paying off the actor to pretend to be a lawyer, I lost all doubts.

    Excellent summer guilty pleasure! Great recap.

    • the girl says:

      I am DEFINITELY thinking Elizabeth is setting Karen up. Someone told Karen weeks ago to stop having contact with that family. I don’t know what is wrong with her, what are you thinking about. Seriously. And why did she throw away her original notes instead of just editing them? Le sigh. This chick makes no sense.
      I am also angry at Savi for not monitoring April’s situation better, if Savi is supposed to be her attorney. April is planning to give her money to this woman who she does NOT know without independently establishing paternity, without negotiating child support, without lawyers, without a judge, without any legal paperwork at all? Where they do that at?? Savi is straight slacking. I know you’re distracted with your possibly interracial baby… but girl, do your job!
      Savi and Karen are officially examples of the (incredibly sexist and incorrect) notion that women cannot be as good in hard professions as men because they are too emotional.
      In other news, I hardcore love this show.

      • LaLa says:

        OMG, This comment made me laugh. “Do your job!” So true! I love this show. I spent extra time in the gym watching it on Hulu because I couldn’t wait to watch the end.
        I’m so glad April got a break from the craziness this week. Her daughter was hilarious, especially in the way she was gushing over “Selena! Gomez!” Too cute. What the hell is Joss doing? Didn’t Harry warn her? I think she’s headed to Heartbreak Hotel. Karen – I just have no words for how incredibly stupid she is. Can you be a doctor and not have any common sense? Why are she listening to this woman – who probably knew about you her BEFORE she killed her husband. Idiota! Hello to Shaza Zula, though. Good to see him again, even if he’s the hated investigator. Props to Savi. But, really, what else could she have done? I guess soap opera lab results doesn’t work for this series. I cannot wait to see Dominic’s reaction when he finds out she may be having his baby. And Dominic – Lawd’a mercy! Fine, fine, Fine!

    • Kristen says:

      In the preview at the end of last weeks episode there was a flash of a scene where Richard is beating up April’s “dead” husband. I actually paused the scene and compared side by side with one of the pictures of him from April’s house. Definitely the hubby, definitely alive. (Side note: I have waaaaaaay too much time on my hands lol)

  19. Babygate says:

    I’m not Catholic and I still didn’t appreciate April’s comment about the pope. I think it was disrespectful, not to mention random since no context was provided. I’m guessing it has something to do with the church being pro-life? Whatever, I’m sure it was a one time thing. Other than that, I’m loving this show every week more and more. Harry was annoying me a bit with his pushing for Savi to find out if she was pregnant or not. Making her that mojito so she could pee on the stick just made me roll my eyes, still, he’s so freaking adorable and judging by next week’s promo, he’s totally heartbroken. Joss continues to be my favorite although April is pretty darn adorable and Savi is just awesome in every way. Kind of sad this is a summer show. :-(

    • KCC says:

      Glad that I’m not the only one who thought that the Pope comment was out of place and random.

    • Diana says:

      I thought the Pope comment was strange too (also Catholic).

    • angelica says:

      I completely agree that the comment about the Pope was out of line and I am offended enough to never watch the show again. If the writers can slip that one in and think that that everyone is okay with it, they are mistaken. I, and a lot of people I know, will never watch the show again and have lost respect for the actors too.

    • Louise says:

      Agreed, the Pope comment was really out of line.

    • Bobbi says:

      That comment really bothered me too.

  20. Melinda says:

    I had no interest in watching this show, especially from what I saw of the previews. It looked like a bunch of women purposely trying to be Misstresses and using men.

    But…..I’ve been watching the entire series of McLeod’s Daughter’s (Australian TV show that ran from 2001-2009) and Brett Tucker (who plays Savi’s husband) is in it and I was curious to see him act in a different show and let me tell you….damn! that man has bulked up and he’s HOT!

    Aside from that, I really enjoy Misstresses. The previews didn’t give the show justice. The story lines are realistic, believable and some relatable. All of the actresses (and of course Brett) make an amazing ensemble.

    I’ve always enjoyed watching Alyssa act and this role seems to fit her really well. I hope it lasts!

  21. Britta Unfiltered says:

    I don’t watch the show, I just came here to compliment you on that great, clever headline. I see what you did there. :)

  22. jeff says:

    The ‘slutty hostess” is played by Ashley Newbrough,, Sage from Privileged, also Executive Produced by Rina Mimoun! Glad she’s loyal to her former stars!

  23. caron says:

    super uncalled for Pope comment and unfortunately lost entire audiences over it – my whole sorority and my sisters’ schools of notre dame and smu are also done. Too bad the writers are such disgraceful idiots – we were so into it!

    • Anfelina says:

      Unfortunately me too. I’m not even Catholic but I was disgusted by the disrespect towards the Pope. I really wanted to find out what happens to the ladies especially Jes but uncalled for.

    • Luther says:

      you need to get out more if a scripted comment on tv affects your life that much. sorry, I mean whole audiences and sorority’s lives…

  24. Jordan says:

    Harry is an awesome actor! See the July 8 episode. Such subtle and perfect portrayal of a devastated husband and so hot! And so is Dominic. Alyssa Milano is a lucky girl. I also love April and Richard. She is so cute. And yes, yunjin is not so great in this show and it would be nice to have more John Schneider and less Sam.