“So…we have exactly three minutes till a freight train comes bearing down on your fragile frame,” he’ll say with a placid grin. “Before I untie you, let me ask a couple of questions about your journey to this precarious point in time, as well as your hopes and dreams for the future.”
“LET’S JUST GET ON WITH IT!” you’ll scream as the seconds tick down and the credits of your life begin to roll before your very eyes (“Executive Produced by ‘Mom.’” “Promotional Consideration by Yealands Sauvignon Blanc and ‘Converse: One Star for Target.’” “Doughy Midsection by Late-Night Carbs.” “Melted Memory Banks by Years of Ignoring Your Mother’s Warnings About Too Much Television.” Oh, wait, those are my credits.)
Anyway, you catch my drift. On tonight’s live Top 12 results telecast, Carson only had three minutes left on the clock, four contestants still in jeopardy (with two to send home), and he simply refused to cut to the chase.
I know, I know…dude was just trying to keep the “suspense” going (and perhaps prompt a few million people to get sucked in by the start of this week’s Grimm), but I hate seeing contestants get booted without so much as a chance to give a parting hat-tip (or even sing a “greatest hit”).
Anyhow, without further ado, here’s how the night’s results played out:
Sent to Safety (in No Particular Order)
Kris Thomas (side note: naming an underdog like Kris first robbed the episode of its unpredictability)
The Swon Brothers
Final Four Contestants Left Awaiting Their Fates
Saved With Roughly 11 Seconds Left in the Show
Bravo, America! In my recap of Monday’s performance show, I’d predicted Garrett and Kris would be booted, but argued that it should be Garrett and Vedo. Oh, sure, this week’s evictees didn’t get much help in the song-choice department, but could you imagine any scenario whatsoever where either dude made a successful run at the Season 4 crown?
As I also noted on Monday night, The Voice — just like its rival American Idol — is shaping up to be an estrogen-fest the likes of which we haven’t seen since the heyday of Lilith Fair.
A few other notes on the telecast:
* I’m pretty sure Robin Thicke’s new song contains the line “What rhymes with ‘hump me’?” But even if I misheard it — and with Pharrell Williams gallivanting around the stage with no particular purpose, and Thicke sweating like the A.C. had cut out again, it’s entirely possible — how exactly was it an honor for Vedo and Kris to get relegated to background singers with their mics turned down to “mute”?
* When Carson asked Usher at the top of the show how he felt about his team’s chances of survival, the “Yeah” singer gave such an absurdly vague — and long-winded — answer about every contestant having “equally had moments,” that I kinda wish he’d just been brutally honest and said, “Look, Carson, I saw where Vedo wound up on iTunes this morning. Ask me something else, k?”
* It’s time for a moratorium on asking Michelle Chamuel about how she didn’t quite fit in growing up. I mean, she’s grown up into a totally bad-ass, confident chick, so let’s celebrate that a little, yes?
* Blake and his three acts were terrific on “Play Something Country” — and I especially liked how it felt like the superstar coach’s solo wasn’t any longer than any of his protégés’. Oddly, though, it seemed like Daniele was least comfortable with the fast and furious wordplay, while the usually less magnetic Holly stepped up and won the MVP award for both vocals and stage presence.
* Lady Antebellum’s “Goodbye Town” isn’t the most exciting song in the world, but they sang it well, even if it was a tad peculiar how the ladies of Team Adam were relegated to one random line apiece on the bridge. Surely there’s a way to integrate the contestants a little better into the guest performances, no? I mean, Blake managed to do it.
* Call me a crazy conspiracy theorist — you wouldn’t be wrong! — but I couldn’t help but feel like Adam’s choice of The Cure’s “Lovesong” (with a reggae-lite arrangement) was an attempt to steal some thunder from (or at least throw down a little competition toward) Candice Glover’s awe-inspiring, gone-viral rendition last month on American Idol. The Maroon 5 frontman might’ve fared better had he not veered wildly off pitch while trying to harmonize with Amber, Judith and Sarah through the final refrain. This round goes — without question — to The Lady Glover.
And with that, let me turn things over to you. What did you think of Season 4 Top 12 results night? Did Vedo and Garrett deserve to go home? Sound off below in the comments, and for all my Voice-related news, recaps, interviews and videos, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!Follow @MichaelSlezakTV