It would be hard to out-quirk an award show that presents gold-plated popcorn prizes in categories like Best Shirtless Performance and Summer’s Biggest Teen Bad A**. But, while watching the 2013 MTV Movie Awards, TVLine is still endeavoring to do exactly that. So, without further ado, our picks for…
Hottest Tamale | Hostess Rebel Wilson, who early on tells us that she couldn’t believe she didn’t get Jamie Foxx’s role in Django Unchained. “I could play black; I’m really into fat white chicks,” she deadpans. “I’m inside one right now.” Later, during a discussion of body image issues, she flashes us a third nipple, and, while accepting her plaudits for Breakthrough Performance, she challenges presenter Zac Efron to give her “an Australian kiss.” “It’s like a French kiss,” she explains, “but Down Under.”
The James Franco Nighttime Achievement Award | Who else but James Franco? In the show-opening skit, the erstwhile Wizard transforms Wilson into Iron Mangina. But, he notes, since the costume was made for Mila Kunis, she’ll have to, erm, suck in.
Biggest Bleeping Cheat | Introducing the nominees for Best WTF Moment, Chris Rock and Adam Sandler drop so many F-bombs that, through all the bleeping, we have no @*#!ing idea what they’re saying. Doesn’t seem like it goes over too well, though, even with the folks who can hear: In the audience, Seth Rogen looks like he’s wishing his seat would swallow him whole.
Cutest Butt of a Joke | Channing Tatum’s. The heartthrob’s pert posterior appears twice within the first half hour. Mind you, other bits of his anatomy also get their fair share of attention. “He’s got a magic mic,” Wilson cracks, “that I’d like to sing into.”
The Gen Y Jessica Tandy Award | Emma Watson. Thank God the camera keeps cutting to the Hogwarts grad alive and well in the audience – otherwise, during the Trailblazer tribute to the ingénue, we’d worry that she’d died. (But hey, these are the MTV Movie Awards – Maggie Smith never stood a chance, did she?)
Worst Excuse For Bothering to Put On ChapStik | Bradley Cooper. Accepting his and Jennifer Lawrence’s Best Kiss award for Silver Linings Playbook, the hunk doesn’t lock lips with either of his presenters, Steve Carell or Amanda Seyfried. What a buss’t!
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Most Surprising Comeback | Amanda Bynes. Okay, Amanda Bynes isn’t really there. But doesn’t Ke$ha look just like the down-on-her-luck sitcom starlet, especially paired, as she is here, with Snoop Lion, lotsa billowing pot smoke and an outfit straight out of Kmart’s Huggy Bear Collection?
Biggest Loser | Russell Crowe. Aside from being notoriously crankypants, who’d he piss off? Not only does Franco cheekily refer to him as “my favorite Australian singer,” but Wilson later cracks that universally panned Les Miserables warbler couldn’t attend the ceremony because “he’s working on his new movie – Pitch Not Perfect.”
Biggest Misstep Not Involving Stilettos | Wilson. An extended bit in which she uses her stuffed koala Chlamydia’s X-ray vision on all-stars in the audience falls surprisingly flat. (Capt. America Chris Evans is wearing panties and desperately needs a wax, we see, for instance.) The kind of vision really needed here is foresight.
The “And They Say Romance Is Dead” Award | Will Ferrell. After Aubrey Plaza tries to steal his Comedic Genius popcorn (“Just like we rehearsed it,” he says but we don’t quite believe), the funnyman rebounds by bringing his family on stage – played by a group of Asian actors that (wink, wink) we know are not his family – and renewing his wedding vows with his disinterested “wife.”
Best Sport | Taylor Lautner. Twilight’s teen wolf claims his Shirtless trophy sipping a Big Gulp and rocking a middle-aged paunch. “This is like winning the Oscar,” he deadpans before giving shout-outs to his fellow topless stars: “McConaughey… Tatum… Lena Dunham.”
The “Sh–My Dad Says” Award | Accepting his MTV Generation popcorn, Django star Foxx charmingly notes that his 19-year-old daughter is not only beautiful (and is she – wow!) but single. But, he adds, no doubt sending her embarrassment soaring even further off the charts, “Dial it down a little bit on that dress.”
Best Grizzly Adams Impersonation | Liam Hemsworth. Introducing an in-show commercial – sorry, preview – for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, he sports such a thick beard, he could be auditioning for a ZZ Top movie. (And why is the camera so close to his face, it’s practically bumping into his nose?)
Most Cunning Linguist | Joss Whedon. The Avengers director says he and his superheroes are humbled by their Movie of the Year honor. Then, realizing that they are actually the opposite of humbled since, hey, they won, he searches for just the right word and decides that they’re actually “Bieber’d to be standing here.”
So what did you think of the show? Did you like Wilson as host? Sound off below.