If the preceding sentence makes no sense to you whatsoever, then you might want to watch the following extended trailer for E!’s upcoming celebreality series What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Actually, you might not want to watch it at all, and that’s okay, too.
In fact, I’m still not completely convinced this look into the life of the Olympic gold-medal-winning swimmer is an actual TV show; it could easily be an elaborate ruse to try to get you to watch one of E!’s myriad shows about the Karda — GAH, I almost uttered The Surname That Shall Not Be Spoken. I am so sorry. Are you still with me?
If so, let’s review my Top 5 Reasons the What Would Ryan Lochte Do? Trailer Makes Me Want to Tune in (and Then Be Reprimanded by a Nun):
5) There just hasn’t been enough hideous group drunkenness since Jersey Shore got cancelled. (Jersey Shore did get cancelled, right? I’ve got to believe that wasn’t just a really nice dream I had the last time I drank a Long Island Iced Tea.)
4) Gratuitous ab shots. (JEAH!)
3) Lochtenese is sure to spice up your drab English-language vocabulary: “So you have to really put the emphidence on that ‘J.’ That ‘J’ and ‘E’: That’s the key part. And then the ‘A-H’ kind of just flows,” Ryan says while instructing viewers on how to say “Jeah.” JEAH!
1) JEAH! (Oops!…I said it again.)
Like it or not, What Would Ryan Lochte Do? premieres Sunday, April 21 (10/9c on E!).
Will you tune in to this mess? Maybe just for five minutes? Should I watch the premiere and recap it for my dormant “Dumpster Dive” series? Confess your (future) crimes in the comments!