It’s time for another game of “Finish! These! Sentences!” starring your X Factor hosts Khloe “Oh em gee! It’s a shiny object!” Kardashian and Mario “would you get a load of my sex-ayyy reflection in that there mirror?” Lopez!
First, we’ll go with a direct quote from Mario: “Not only will next week’s winner walk away with a $5 million recording contract, buuuuhhhhtttt like so many global pop stars including One Direction and our very own Britney Sprears, they’ll also become*:
A. …the personal playthings of the Pepsi board of directors.”
B. …victims of their own success, making terrible personal and professional decisions that will drive them to a paparzzi-documented descent into near madness.”
C. …synonymous with the fetishization of school-girl uniforms and/or giant yellow boa constrictors.”
D. …just another in a long series of Taylor Swift photo ops.”
(*none of these are actually the correct ending to the sentence, but I’d have to rewind my DVR to finish transcribing the quote, and more importantly, I know you don’t actually give a flying fig about anything Mario says, unless he’s insulting “fat babies.”)
And now it’s time for Khloe’s quote: “I’m so nervous, and I’m not even:”
A. …getting paid extra for it.”
B. …a human being.”
C. …staring at a full moon.”
D. …being doused with holy water!”
But enough about those people who each make more than your entire household income (times 10) for the basic act of reading series of one- and two-syllable words off teleprompters.
Let’s get to the results.
Sent to Safety (in no particular order)
Fifth Harmony (prompting some of the most deliciously perturbed facial expressions Britney has ever made)
Tate Stevens (prompting more Britney Expressions of Horror [TM] and an intensely puckered lip from Simon Cowell)
Final Two Acts Left in Jeopardy (again, in no particular order)
Carly Rose Sonenclar
“This is turning into an amazing night!” –Cultural Critic and X Factor “Host” Khloe Kardashian
And then, Blondie from Emblem3 said no matter what happened, he’d gained “a wealth of knowledge” that was worth more than $5 million. (Me, I’d take the cash, because that would buy a lot of books, with some leftovers for wine and ponies.)
“We’re so grateful,” said Wes, who thanked the group’s fans for “voting their butts off.”
And I thank America for finally eliminating the thinnest voices/most annoying attitudes in the competition. That said, I really do wish Simon Cowell had been a smart enough mentor to let these guys road-test some original material over the last few weeks, but he was too damn obsessed with building the American version of One Direction. Alas, we’ll never know if E3 had another “Sunset Boulevard” (their undeniably catchy audition track) up their sleeves.
Oh wait, Emblem3 DOESN’T HAVE ANY SLEEVES. THE BETTER TO SHOW THEIR TONED BICEPS!
As for the evening’s three performances:
* I swear they had Carly Rose go first on the prefectly fine group performance of Diddy and Skylar Grey’s “Coming Home” just to make her fans sweat the idea that the season-long front-runner might actually be headed back to her Long Island digs. Combined with L.A.’s comments about Carly’s Wednesday night numbers having been “problematic” — something he made no mention of on Wednesday, by the bye — and the young singer’s own freaked-out facial expression after both Tate and Fifth Harmony were sent through to safety, and it turned out to be a stressful evening for the Sonenclar fandom.
* How’d that Bridgit Mendler person land a performance slot on the show? Did someone in the X Factor booking department think they were actually getting Carly Rae Jepsen? Is Justin Bieber somehow behind this? I need answers!
* Bruno Mars’ “Locked Out of Heaven”: Sublime! Take note, X Factor contestants, this is how you marry staging and vocals. Plus, the way his band and background singers execute their old-school dance moves will never get old for me!
And with that, it’s your turn: What did you think of Top 4 results night? Who is most likely to win the whole enchilada? Sound off in the comments, and for all my X Factor news, interviews and recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!