Revenge Recap: Hit Me With Your Best Shot

Revenge ResurrectionAll hail the queen, for she has reassumed the throne!

This week’s Revenge showed us a significant death (I think) and hinted at something hinky and kinky going on at Grayson Global/Manor. But all of that paled in comparison to Queen Victoria’s mighty return to the land of the living, which required handcuffs and a regal uttering of this line: “Hit me. This is your one and only shot, so do it like a man, if that’s even possible.” So as not to further incur her highness’ wrath, let’s get to it and review what happened in “Resurrection.”

DOESN’T ADD UP | Though Ashley sashays into Daniel’s study in her tight tennis whites, she can’t brighten his foul mood over a suspicion that Conrad has made Grayson Global’s financials look better than they actually are. And no one will notice, he adds, if his father can somehow replace the missing cash before the upcoming board meeting. But he becomes distracted when a call from Emily (for which he boots Mixed Doubles Barbie from the room) gets him thinking that Charlotte’s doctor is a fraud. Daniel’s former fiancee just happens to be at Cliffside later when he comes stomping in, bringing in a maelstrom of WASP fury in his high-end cologne-scented wake. Charlotte’s shrink, who I will now call Dr. P. Mypants for the way he rolls over in fear like a runt puppy, quickly agrees to Daniel’s demand that he recant the testimony that deemed Charlotte mentally incompetent. Char’s happy for all of two seconds until she realizes Conrad has already emptied her bank accounts, and she suspects her brother and dad are in cahoots. Just then, Emily’s all, “Oh hey is this a bad time?” (I freaking love Emily VanCamp’s faux innocent face. I wonder if she practices it in the mirror? I totally would. In fact, when this recap is done, I just might. If you practice yours in front of your webcam, tweet it to me @kimroots!) On Charlotte’s orders, Emily delivers her half-sister to Victoria. Vicky’s happy to see her, but realizes that without Charlotte’s inheritance, there’s no way to pay the White-Haired Man for the fake passports – and Initiative-deflecting services — he’s provided. And since he’s inferred that he’d just as soon kill the Grayson girls as help them escape, Victoria rapidly forms a plan. Charlotte mentions that Victoria should leave town first, because she wants to stick around until her nephew is born. “Oh God, don’t tell me that your brother impregnated Emily Thorne,” Victoria cries, and something about the way Madeleine Stowe attacks “impregnated” in that sentence made me laugh out loud. When Charlie clears everything up by saying that her “sister” Amanda is expecting, Victoria tells her she was only interested in getting her hands on Charlotte’s inheritance money (p.s. she’s lying), and the poor little rich poor girl leaves in a huff.

SNOW LONG, THAT’S ALL, GOODBYE? | Of course Victoria has other tricks up her queenly sleeves. During the Grayson Global board meeting, which is interrupted by an angry Daniel but not before we see that a cleaned-up Aiden is there representing Takeda (who agreed to invest in GG last season, remember?), Conrad gets a call on his cell. In no time at all, he’s at the cabin, staring down his presumed-dead wife. “So it’s true,” he sneers. “Even the devil himself didn’t want you.” But V’s got no time for chit-chat. After they establish that Lydia died in the crash (whatever, Revenge. I believe nothing you tell me anymore.), Victoria tells him to punch her. Hard. Later, the White-Haired Man arrives at the cabin to find Victoria battered and chained up. He asks who did it to her. “You did,” she says smugly, advising him to start running. He glances once directly at the clam cam, then takes off just before Conrad and the cops rush in. To all the world, it looks like a happy ending to a terrible ransom situation, but I prefer Em’s take on it: “Son of a bitch.” She pays a very brief visit to Grayson Manor – where she promises to keep the secret that V was alive this whole time (and don’t think that Victoria won’t bring that little tidbit out after Daniel and Emily have reconciled) – then meets WHM at her home. She says he can have the exonerating clam-cam footage of Conrad giving Victoria the Ike Turner treatment if he’ll tell her about her mother. He recounts Victoria’s visit to her mother’s psych-ward room; as it turns out, he was there, too. In a flashback, we see Victoria tell Em’s mom that David had lied to both of them and that WHM was a federal agent named Gordon Murphy who was planning on arresting David that week for terrorism. (Note: For now, I’m going to keep calling him WHM, because Victoria lies.) WHM frees Em’s mom from her restraints and the flashback ends; he tells Emily that the plan was to kill her mother (which makes me think the “federal agent” part was malarkey) but he didn’t follow orders. Lost in thought – and perhaps remembering the episode-opening dream she had about her slightly unhinged-looking mother driving during a “vacation” without her father – Em doesn’t see WHM pulling a knife and going for her throat. Good thing Aiden picks that exact moment to bust in and shoot — and kill? — Emily’s would-be assassin, right?

DOWN BY THE DOCKS | Let’s not forget about the townies, though goodness knows, they didn’t have a ton to do in this episode. Trey, a guy from Declan’s school, asks him to hold onto a piece of jewelry for a few days in exchange for $500. Because Declan is a total moron, he agrees. Amanda’s pregnancy test, which she asks Emily to finesse if necessary thanks to a one-night stand that could’ve caused some trouble, comes back with Jack as the daddy. But to make the curly-haired mama-to-be feel terrible, Em lies that the baby actually isn’t Jack’s – a move Nolan calls “dark, even for you.” Speaking of Em’s self-described “fashionably dressed, technologically savvy sidekick,” he spends a lot of the hour in his boxers; when he whines that the NolCorp employees don’t respect him, Em snarks, “Why would they? You’re not wearing any pants.” Heh. One of his minions, an accounting analyst named Padma, travels to the Hamptons to tell her boss in person that he needs to hire a CFO. (She interrupts him narrating clam-cam video of Victoria stalking the cabin like a panther. It’s great. If you didn’t watch the episode, please do so just for that little moment.) He so admires Padma’s pluck that he offers her the job. And any question about Ashley and Conrad conspiring – if not canoodling – died when she eagerly informed him that Daniel knew the Grayson Global numbers didn’t match up and wondered “Is this something we should be worried about?” I loved Conrad’s retort: “Was he using a calculator or his fingers?” Heh.

Now it’s your turn. The episode felt a little bit slow to me, but so might’ve anything that had to follow that whiz-banger of a season premiere. What were your thoughts? Hit the comments and sound off!