Rumors of Randy Jackson’s ouster from the American Idol judges’ panel have been percolating
since the dawn of time for weeks. And now TMZ is reporting that the man commonly referred to as “the other judge,” “that dude who dresses like he’s enrolled in a prep school for clowns,” and “the devil’s mouthpiece” will definitely take on a role mentoring contestants, clearing a spot in the Simon Cowell Memorial Chair for (maybe) Nicki Minaj, Keith Urban, or both. (Hey, if that seat was big enough for Cowell’s ego, it can handle Minaj and Nicole Kidman’s husband simultaneously.)
I can’t lie and say I’m in any way upset by the possibility of a diminished role for Randy. Okay, okay…I’ll miss the easy punchlines and kneejerk rage he inspired in my recaps with his relentless name-dropping and penchant for ignoring the performances in front of him (relying instead on a pre-determined script served up by executive producer Nigel Lythgoe and his minions). But other than that, “good riddance,” I say.
Sure, change is scary. And yeah, I know a lot of folks subscribe to “better the devil you know.” But after 11 seasons of “for me, for you,” “kinda pitchy,” “yo yo yo, ummm…uhhhh…so listen, dawg, check it out…” nonsense, there’s no way Idol can do any worse. Right? Right?
With that in mind, I’ve reworked the lyrics to Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” — new title, “Underachieving” — to bid farewell to Randy and to pay tribute to his remarkably consistent ability to disappoint. (Click here if you need a little musical accompaniment while you’re reading.) Here we go…
Just an average Joe
But damn he made a lot of dough
He snagged an empty seat on the Idol beat
Just a waste of space?
Oh not when he would slap da bass!
He clutched his swivel chair, Simon’s out of there
Young singers in a conference room
Half-choked by J.Lo’s “Glow” perfume
Hit the notes, they’ll be on tee-vee
It goes on and on and on and on
Almost 20 million strong
They’re dialing, texting through the night
Spill their guts and their emotions
Randy, half-bored, “It’s a’iight.”
Phoned it in but still got paid
Nigel’s script must be obeyed
Squashing threats to the “chosen ones” each and every time
Praising Lauren, crushing Haley
Season 10 brought our rage out daily
Verbal gaffes made our jaws dip low
He’d go on and on and on and on
He’s a human barnacle!
He’s clinging wildly to the boat
“Come on Fox, he’s verbal poison!
Please give us the antidote!”
Now Randy’s finally leaving
Rejoice, people…oh oh ohhhhhh
Hold up, there’s no grieving
Boycott, Swaybots…oh oh ohhhh
Season 12’s believing!
Tune in, people…whoa-oh-ohhhhh….
What do you think? Will you miss anything at all about Randy Jackson on the judges’ panel? If so, hit the comments and share. If not, scroll down and express your unfiltered joy! And for all my Idol news, interviews, and commentary, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!