Remember that Monday night last summer where you consumed three-quarters of a bottle of chardonnay and fell asleep on your living room couch watching a Season 2 episode of Bachelor Pad? Well, the absurdist nightmare you droolingly woke from during your local news — you know, the one with Erica Rose’s tiara, Michael Stagliano’s tears, the twins from The Shining, and a person whose actual name is Kalon — is about to come true.
Yes, ABC has announced a premiere date (July 23, 8/7c) and a cast for Season 3 of Bachelor Pad, once again hosted by Chris Harrison, and the press release is so full of ridiculousness that I urge you to immediately set your DVR or call your therapist — whichever you feel is more convenient/prudent.
Indeed, 15 former players from The Bachelor/The Bachelorette franchise — along with five “superfans” — will “gather back at the mansion to live together to possibly find a second chance at love and compete for $250,000,” according to the network.
Actually, there’ll be 21 human beings in the mix, but “identical twins Brittany and Erica Taltos will compete as one participant,” a development that’s particularly nauseating considering that “participants” on Bachelor Pad play half-naked Twister/swap spit/engage in “night vision camera shenanigans” with new and multiple partners with the ease and frequency of pigeons pecking at discarded bits of sidewalk shawarma.
Other details sure to result in eye rolls/dry heaves/guilty excitement:
* Bachelor Pad‘s Season 2 co-champ/Bachelorette also-ran Michael Stagliano “will put everything on the line, even his winnings from last season” (as well as the final scraps of his dignity, yes?) “to find love” (or its close cousin, screen time on a major television network).
* Recent Bachelorette evictee Kalon will join the cast, “unaware that one of his roommates will be returning Bachelor Pad member Erika Rose, with whom he has a love/hate relationship.” (Doesn’t everyone?)
* And then there’s this gem of a paragraph about superfan David Mallet: “David is a fan of the show, but an even bigger fan of women and money. As an MMA fighter, David feels right at home being competitive and has earned the name ‘Kamikaze’ because when he fights he either wins or dies trying. Bachelor Pad is the perfect arena where he will be able to dominate in both fields. He would like to hook up with Lindzi.”
Oh, Lindzi, get back on your horse and ride, ride for your life!
Check out the full ABC cast bios below — complete with my boldfaced emphasis on parrticularly loopy words and phrases — then share your thoughts/fears/horrors in the comments.
LINDZI COX (“The Bachelor” Season 16, Ben Flajnik)
Lindzi has not been heard from since she was rejected by Ben Flajnik on that fateful day. She was heartbroken and buried herself in work and her passion, horses. But, Lindzi is determined to move on. She does not care for anyone that gossips and is ready to compete for money and love.
OCCUPATION: Development Manager AGE: 27 RESIDENCE: Bellevue, WA
BLAKELY JONES (“The Bachelor” Season 16, Ben Flajnik)
Last time, Blakely did not get along with the women in the house. She admits that she probably could have done a better job of making friends, but now she is not here to make friends. Blakely is here to win all the money.
OCCUPATION: Estherician [Editor's note: Didn't she used to be a "VIP cocktail waitress"? Also, is that supposed to read aesthetician? I prefer estherician, which sounds like a nanny for a difficult child named Esther.] AGE: 34 Residence: Charlotte, NC
SARAH NEWLON (“The Bachelor” Season 11, Brad Womack)
This girl does not want her 15 minutes of fame to end. [Editor's note: Of course she doesn't!] She is single and ready to mingle, and eager to get in the mansion to hang out with the hot single men. A friend of Erica Rose, she knows she needs to do anything to stay in “Bachelor Pad.” Sharing the mansion with Reid should also be interesting since Sarah shared an intimate kiss with Reid while he had a girlfriend.
OCCUPATION: Bar Manager AGE: 28 RESIDENCE: St. Louis, MO
JAMIE OTIS (“The Bachelor” Season 16, Ben Flajnik)
The last time we saw Jamie, she had an awkward kiss with Ben before being sent home. Jamie has made a lot of changes since she has been on the show. She was the mother figure to her siblings and when she got home, she realized that her siblings were growing up and can live without her. [Editor's note: The Bachelor franchise, changing lives for the better, one at a time!] For once, she is living her life as her own. Jamie also thinks Jaclyn is toxic.
OCCUPATION: Registered Nurse AGE: 25 RESIDENCE: New York, NY
ERICA ROSE (“The Bachelor” Season 9, Prince Lorenzo Borghese)
Erica was a presence on “Bachelor Pad 2,” speaking the truth and stirring the pot. But after being voted off and sent back home to her parents, she is ready to return and win the money all for herself. She also has a love/hate relationship with Kalon, who is from her hometown.
OCCUPATION: Law Student AGE: 29 RESIDENCE: Houston, TX
JACLYN SWARTZ (“The Bachelor” Season 16, Ben Flajnik)
Jaclyn is super competitive, smart, manipulative but well liked amongst the cast, despite being a self-proclaimed mean girl. This smart-mouthed woman will tell it like it is, but still stay on everyone’s good side to ensure that she is kept in the house. However, Jaclyn thinks Rachel Trueheart wants to be just like her. [Editor's note: Anyone think Jaclyn just watched Single White Female on basic cable before filling out her Bachelor Pad application?]
OCCUPATION: Account Manager AGE: 27 RESIDENCE: Newton, MA
RACHEL TRUEHEART (“The Bachelor” Season 16, Ben Flajnik)
Rachel narrowly escaped going home on the 2-on-1 with Blakeley, but still remained closed off, which ultimately led to her demise. Now she is back, and finally open to love – and even more open to taking home a lot of money. However, this could all be challenging since Jaclyn gets really annoyed with Rachel.
OCCUPATION: Executive Assistant AGE: 27 RESIDENCE: New York, NY
BRITTANY & ERICA TALTOS (Super Fans)
These two are the definition of double the trouble and double the fun. They are in it for the money and maybe to find a guy, but nothing serious. Erica has the reputation for being the smarter, more conservative twin. She is still a virgin and has not dated much. Brittany, however, could not be more opposite of Erica, she is the flirtatious, boy-crazy twin. As fans, the twins think Erica is snobby, boring and not pretty.
OCCUPATION: Students AGE: 22 RESIDENCE: Gainesville, FL
PAIGE VIGIL (Super Fan)
As a dedicated fan of “ The Bachelor,” Paige has preconceived notions of all previous cast members from writing “ The Bachelor” recaps in her college newspaper and admits she will be a bit star-struck. She may look sweet and innocent, but do not underestimate her because Paige will use her knowledge of the cast to her advantage. Though she will put up a good fight for the money, she ultimately hopes to find the love of her life and settle down.
OCCUPATION: Jumbo Tron Operator AGE: 24 RESIDENCE: New York, NY
DONNA ZITELLI (Super Fan)
This sight for sore eyes is a trifecta of beauty, personality and brains. [Editor's note: !!!] Donna graduated third in her class, and loves drawing and writing songs. She knows people underestimate her intelligence because of her beauty – little do they know she has no problem playing it up and using her beauty and brains to win the money. Donna would love to go on a date with Michael Stagliano.
OCCUPATION: Student AGE: 22 RESIDENCE: Hackensack, NJ
RYAN HOAG (“The Bachelorette” Season 4, DeAnna Pappas)
Ryan is a person who stands strong in his beliefs and is one to let it be known. He did not find love on DeAnna’s season, and is not going on “Bachelor Pad” to find it either – he is here for the money. But, he is by far one of the more handsome men in the mansion and will be an object of desire – could a possible love interest distract him from winning the cash or will he stay focused on the prize?
OCCUPATION: High School Dean/Former NFL Player AGE: 32 RESIDENCE: Minneapolis, MN
KALON MCMAHON (“The Bachelorette” Season 8, Emily Maynard)
Kalon was the villain on Emily’s season. But at least he was honest. Maybe Kalon is not ready to settle down, but he is ready to dominate those inferior to him. He will charm the women, he will compliment the men and he will go all the way to the end just to keep the money all to himself. Plus, he is frenemies with Erica Rose.
OCCUPATION: Luxury Brand Consultant AGE: 27 RESIDENCE: Houston, TX
NICK PETERSON (“The Bachelorette” Season 7, Ashley Herbert)
Nick never really made much of an impression on Ashley. He was too reserved and too concerned that he would make a fool of himself. As a result, he never got the chance for love. He finally found his footing at “The Men Tell All” and now he is ready to show America and all of “Bachelor Nation” who he is. And, he is going to use his body to make sure no one votes him off.
OCCUPATION: Trainer AGE: 27 RESIDENCE: Tampa, FL
TONY PIEPER (“The Bachelorette” Season 8, Emily Maynard)
Tony temporarily left his son to be with the one girl he truly believed was meant for him, Emily. After having his heart broken on “The Bachelorette,” he realized that there is more out there for him and is ready to find his true love. [Editor's note: Again, there's that "temporarily left his son" business, no?]
OCCUPATION: Lumber Trader AGE: 30 RESIDENCE: Portland, OR
REID ROSENTHAL (“The Bachelorette” Season 5, Jillian Harris)
Reid is most remembered as coming back to propose to Jillian after she had already rejected him – only to be rejected all over again. He later found love with his long-term girlfriend of several years, with whom he just recently ended things. Plus, when he was still with his girlfriend, he hooked up with Sarah Newton, who is now living with him in “Bachelor Pad.” At this point, Reid is unsure what he wants out of life when it comes to career, love, and money and hopes to figure this out in “Bachelor Pad.”
OCCUPATION: Realtor AGE: 33 RESIDENCE: Philadelphia, PA
MICHAEL STAGLIANO (“The Bachelorette” Season 5, Jillian Harris, “Bachelor Pad 2”)
Last time Michael came on “Bachelor Pad,” he got the money. But sadly for him, money cannot buy happiness. Soon after taking the win, he found out that his ex-fiancé, Holly, was engaged to Blake. This time, he is not going to even think about the game or the money. He is just here to meet the girl of his dreams.
OCCUPATION: Entrepreneur AGE: 27 RESIDENCE: Sherman Oaks, CA
ED SWIDERSKI (“The Bachelorette” Season 5, Jillian Harris)
Ed won Jillian’s love and got down on bended knee, but it did not last. They gave it their all, they have no regrets, but now he is single again. He found love on “The Bachelorette,” so why could he not find it on “Bachelor Pad?” [Editor's note: SRSLY, dude?]
OCCUPATION: Technology Consultant Age: 33 RESIDENCE: Chicago, IL
CHRIS BAIN (Super Fan)
Chris is an animated, good ole’ country boy from Georgia. He thoroughly enjoys rush-kicking in doors, taking down criminals and flashing his tats. [Editor's note: Why the face???] He is very similar to a 90’s action movie hero in that he wants what every hero wants – the money and pretty girl on his arm. Chris hopes to leave “Bachelor Pad” with both.
OCCUPATION: SWAT Team Officer AGE: 28 RESIDENCE: Canton, GA
DAVID MALLET (Super Fan)
David is a fan of the show, but an even bigger fan of women and money. As an MMA fighter, David feels right at home being competitive and has earned the name “Kamikaze” because when he fights he either wins or dies trying. “Bachelor Pad” is the perfect arena where he will be able to dominate in both fields. He would like to hook up with Lindzi.
OCCUPATION: Real Estate Agent/MMA Fighter AGE: 28 RESIDENCE: Hoboken, NJ
MYSTERY MAN (“The Bachelorette” Season 8, Emily Maynard )
Your turn. Who will you “root” for to “win”? Sound off below, and for all my reality TV news and recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!