American Idol Top 5 Results Recap: She Ain't No Fortunate One [Updated]

Let’s be honest for a second: When life hurls a rock-hard, unripe lemon directly at your noggin, the last thing you feel like doing is getting out your citrus-squeezer and a carton of sugar and making lemonade. Thankfully, the female graduates of American Idol University have given us plenty of amazing tunes — and plenty of amazing lyrics — to offer comfort in times of unrelenting awfulness:What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” “How am I supposed to breathe with no air?” “There’s no use in crying. All my tears won’t drown my pain.” “Friday, I’ll be over you.

Actually, scratch that last one. I think I’m gonna need a little longer to recover from this week’s Top 5 results-show telecast.

RELATED | American Idol Top 5 Performance Recap: Modern! English!

Instead, let me seek divine intervention and ask that if Phillip Phillips offers up another colossal flop on next Wednesday’s Top 4 performance night — come on, even Jimmy Iovine admitted the guy he’s wanted to sign since Top 13 week deserved to be in the Bottom 2 — that “Jesus, take the wheel, take it from America’s hand,” and deliver us a Jessica-Joshua-Hollie Top 3. (Yeah, I know, their group Kelly Clarkson cover a few weeks back was Rated H…for Hot Mess, but still, it beat Phillip’s disastrous “Time for the Season.”)

VIDEO | Colton Dixon on How He’ll Handle the ‘Christian Artist’ Label and Why Idol Is ‘Fishy’

Anyhow, before we get to results, a few thoughts on tonight’s telecast…

* Ryan’s terrific turquoise pocket square was yet another signal of how far our host has come on his “fashion journey.” (Check this link a terrifying reminder of his early years.)

* The one upside to Phillip’s ongoing health issues is that it appears he’s been excused from appearing in those wonky “Ford Music Videos.” I don’t think, however, that kidney stones are a legit excuse for chewing gum on the Idol stage.

* Yes, Coldplay’s rendition of “Paradise” was pretty ethereal and groovy — even if they used the same set for their Grammys performance — but there’s no way I’m going to Twitter and typing #ColdplayOnIdol. (Oh Uncle Nigel, stop trying to make your manufactured hashtags happen.)

* I’ve really learned to appreciate Carrie Underwood since my days as a Bo Bice fan back in Season 4, but while her gams and gown were magnificent on “Blown Away” tonight, her voice sounded shockingly spent, no?

* I’m not sure I agree with Jimmy that Jessica’s performance of “Proud Mary” was too sexy, her dress too mature (I loved J.Lo’s assessment: “It was tight!” — though not too tight by show-biz standards), but I do wonder what happened to his promise a couple weeks ago about ensuring that the 16-year-old diva choose youthful material for the remainder of the season. Maybe dude needs to realize that mentoring should go down before a contestant takes the stage, and not the night after. Mmkay?

And now, let’s talk results…

Sent Directly to Safety (In No Particular Chronological Order)
Joshua Ledet
Phillip “Does your daddy let you date?” Phillips
Jessica Sanchez

Sent to the Bottom 2
Hollie Cavanagh
Skylar Laine

Eliminated
Skylar Laine

Um, apparently America doesn’t want its most marketable, charismatic contestant to wear the Idol crown? Why the face? Pizzaz is dead. And so are melodies. Urgh. URGH!

Nevertheless, Skylar handled her exit with class and panache, reassuring a tearful Hollie that “it’s all right,” singing along to Scotty McCreery’s “Please Remember Me” as her exit package rolled, and giving a raucous final rendition of “Gunpowder and Lead.” And as she sang two weeks back — and every single day since then on my iTunes — “Onnnn wiiiith the showwwww! The show must go on!”

What did you think of Top 5 results? Did Skylar deserve to get booted? If not, who should’ve been sent home? Sound off in the comments, and for all my Idol news, interviews, and recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!