Whether or not you’re happy with the outcome of this week’s American Idol Top 7 results show, I think we can all agree on one thing: The sight of Phillip Phillips with Colton Dixon’s head in his lap, gingerly stroking his rival’s magnificent coiff as they delivered the line “Why so serious?” in a group rendition of Pink’s “Raise Your Glass,” was the stuff of Idol legend.
Actually, maybe we can agree on two things? Because, to paraphrase Randy Jackson, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, blah blah blah, America got it wrong with the Bottom 3 this week, baby!
And hey, while we’re at it, let’s go for the hat trick:
Randy has got to stop trying to make those pins of his happen. Ryan Seacrest should never again ask Steven Tyler for an off-the-cuff remark when he’s trying to build a telecast to a suspenseful climax. (More on that in a minute.)
But first — before we get to how the results played out — let’s review some of the highs and lows of the show.
* That “Raise Your Glass” group performance had more issues than a Real Housewife of [Insert Your Own Debauched Bravo Flavor Here] — the “call me up if you want gangsta” pose was particularly atroshe — but watching Phillip try to pull of choreographed dance moves, hearing Elise riff magically on the melody, and getting to see Ryan Seacrest and a Coke cup do their best Fred & Ginger was worth the price of admission.
* Nothing says “we didn’t have the budget/time/will to get out of bed for this week’s ‘Ford Music Video’ than a bit of basic animation with the Top 7’s disembodied head shots hastily slapped into the mix.
* Second only to the Phillip-Colton tender moment for pure entertainment was Colton getting all impressed by a very intense prom invite from a fan and noting “this is a strong maybe.” Come to think of it, Mr. Dixon could probably make decent money working the high-school dance circuit, but you know the fine print in the Idol contract probably means that 50-75% of income derived from such a pursuit goes to the good folks at 19 Entertainment.
* So James Durbin is blonde now! And he’s got himself a raucous rock band. I just wish I liked “Higher Than Heaven” a little better, or maybe it was just the weird vocal effect that was bugging me.
* Speaking of songs I wish I liked more, Jennifer Hudson sounded great on her duet with Ne-Yo to “Think Like a Man” — and she makes me want to rejoin Weight Watchers and control my portions till I’m down to a shot glass of Sauv Blanc and a tablespoon of gelato every night — but I don’t think there’s been a moment in her solo career where I felt like her material was on par with her voice. And this little ditty was no exception.
* Even Jimmy Iovine is breaking out the “singer-songwriter” description for Elise, Phillip, and Colton — presumably without having heard two bars of any of their original compositions. Let’s hope one of ’em surprises Jimmy in the post-season with “Macarena Confessions (Part 2).”
* Now that Colton has publicly chided the judges for never having given him a standing ovation, who wants to take odds that they’ll rise for him next time around, even if he performs a mashup of Ke$ha and Enigma. “We do it when we feel it!” smiled J.Lo, as she muttered under her breath, “or when Bossman Lythgoe tells us we have to!”
* Jennifer telling Ryan “I don’t wanna stay up here [on stage]” after the Judges’ Save was the least Emmy-worthy bit of acting on Fox since the network aired Osbournes Unloaded.
Anyhow, back to results — Kieran, please dim the lights — the contestants were split into two groups, as follows:
Sent to Safety, Then Asked by Seacrest to Choose Which Group Was Also Safe
Skylar “too smart to fall for that nonsense” Laine
Sent Back to Safety Next
Forced to “Sing for Her Life”
Of course, I put “sing for her life” in quotes because the certainty of the Judges’ Save getting used was a foregone conclusion after Ryan asked Steven Tyler how he felt about the Bottom 3, and the Aerosmith frontman ignored whatever Uncle Nigel was screaming into his earpiece and declared, “We’re gonna use our card tonight — especially with an outcome like this.” So, yeah, whether it was Joshua, Elise, or Jessica on the chopping block, the axe had already been slipped back into its black velvet bag and hung in Uncle Nigel’s closet.
And then, since our “esteemed” panel of judges really haven’t gotten enough time in the spotlight this season, they rushed the stage midway through the opening verse of Jessica’s cover of Deborah Cox’s “Nobody’s Supposed to Be Here.”
“Gimme that mic!” shouted J.Lo (verbalizing what goes through her mind every time a Season 11 plebe performs), resplendent for the occasion in curve-hugging tangerine. “This is crazy! Yes, we’re gonna use the save! Go sit down!”
And so, in a move that was somewhat reminiscent of Simon Cowell giving Melanie Amaro a last-minute reprieve on Season 1 of The X Factor, Jessica went and embraced her fellow contestants while Randy dubbed her “one of the best singers in America — ever!” How can you not vote her all the way to a date with a confetti shower and an treacly ballad composed by select Coca Cola contest winners or Kara DioGuardi or (if neither of the above are available) whoever won Bravo’s Platinum Hit last summer?
I’ve got to admit: I’m not sure if what went down tonight was 100 percent organic, or if it contained more artificial ingredients than a deep-fried Twinkie, but in any event, it wasn’t boring.
What did you think of the Top 7 results show? Are you glad the judges held the Save for this long? Were you shocked to see Jessica in jeopardy? Sound off below, and for all my Idol news, interviews, and recaps, follow me on Twitter @MichaelSlezakTV!