The Sweetest Revenge Quotes: Victoria's Best Bitchery, Nolan's Sassiest Snark and More

With the biggest episode of ABC’s Revenge airing tonight at 10/9c — you know, a certain engagement party where someone sure is dead there on the beach — we thought it’d be a good time to reflect on Queen Victoria’s best bitchisms, Nolan’s choicest quips and every quote in between. (Having seen this week’s riveting hour, we can promise that you can definitely expect a few more signature one-liners, so stay tuned for that. And check TVLine after the show for a preview of the Fire & Ice Ball aftermath.)

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Daniel | “Don’t let my mom rattle you. Intimidation is practically a sign of endearment with her.” (Episode 1, “Pilot”)

Lydia | “Thanks for picking me up on the street corner like a prostitute.” (Episode 2, “Trust”)

Charlotte | [Re: her mother] “Mommyzilla.” (Episode 4, “Duplicity”)

Conrad | “I leave for two days and Daniel is off the wagon. How’d you let that happen?”
Victoria |
“I had my hands full. Perhaps you can tell me where your hands have been?” (Episode 5, “Guilt”)

Victoria | “Understand something Lydia: Every time I smile at you across the room or we run into each other at a luncheon or I welcome you into my home? Let that smile be a reminder of just how much I despise you. And every time I hug you? The warmth you feel is my hatred burning through.” (Episode 5, “Guilt”)

Tyler | “Gay? Meh. Hustler? Maybe.” (Episode 7, “Charade”)

Nolan | [To Tyler] “Ah, ambiguous sexual identity — I get it. I’m about a three on the Kinsey scale.” (Episode 7, “Charade”)

Revenge Photo Gallery: Murder and Mystery at Emily and Daniel’s Engagement Party!

Emily | [To Nolan] “If I told you, I’d have to kill you. And you know I mean it.” (Episode 8, “Treachery”)

Daniel | “Me working [at the bar] hasn’t really been working out, has it?”
Jack | “You mean ‘cause you got drunk on your first shift or ‘cause I was hitting on your girlfriend?” (Episode 8, “Treachery”)

Emily | “This wasn’t part of the plan.”
Nolan | “Neither was aiding and abetting your evil twin.” (Episode 8, “Treachery”)

Nolan | “La, la, la, la. Look, I’m not built for prison time.” (Episode 9, “Suspicion”)

‘Amanda’ | “Memory lane isn’t exactly a road I like to go down.” (Episode 10, “Loyalty”)

Emily | [To Nolan] “Now you’ve sabotaged our alliance because you fell for a hooker.” (Episode 10, “Loyalty”)

Conrad | “What about the de Kooning I bought you for your birthday? The one you said you couldn’t live without?”
Victoria | “Well, like so many things, it hasn’t aged well.” (Episode 11, “Duress”)

Nolan | “Blackmail — it isn’t just for breakfast anymore.” (Episode 11, “Duress”)

Nolan | “Baby steps….” [Puts his arm around her on beach]
Emily | [Icily shrugging off the gesture] “Don’t do that.”

Emily | “I Googled friendship on the interwebs. Apparently when you have a fight with a friend you’re suppose to apologize.”
Nolan | “Word of advice: Leave the joke-cracking to me. You suck at it.” (Episode 11, “Duress”)

Victoria | [After meeting Amanda] “I see a pretty girl with cheap shoes and limited social graces.” (Episode 11, “Duress”)

Nolan | [Sizing up Mason Treadwell] “Spineless, seer-sucking dilettante. I haven’t been this disappointed since Phantom Menace.” (Episode 12, “Infamy”)

Mason Treadwell | “Trust me, one doesn’t easily forget a deal he’s made with the Devil.” (Episode 12, “Infamy”)

Victoria | [Laying down the sartorial law with Ashley] “No more bandage dresses.” (Episode 12, “Infamy”)

Ashley | “All I’ve got to show for my summer with the Graysons is a gun-wielding, psychotic boyfriend who made out with you.” (Episode 13, “Commitment”)

Conrad | “You’re going to be back to [the name] Victoria Harper — which will only be fitting considering you’ll once again be the desperate, penniless little bitch you were when I first met you.” (Episode 13, “Commitment”)

Conrad | “You want to order something?”
Declan | “No, that’s OK — I filled up on beer nuts. Breakfast of champions.” (Episode 13, “Commitment”)

Emily | “I came here for revenge. You offered to help me. If you can’t stomach it any more, how about you at least spare me your passive-aggressive judgments?” (Episode 13, “Commitment”)

Victoria | “Do you have a wine list?”
Declan | “We do. It’s two wines long: Red or white?” (Episode 14, “Perception”)

Conrad | [To Daniel] “So, Fire and Ice — it’s astonishing how your mother managed to model the theme of your engagement party after both sides of her own personality.” (Episode 14, “Perception”)

Nolan | “What’s on the revengenda this evening?” (Episode 14, “Perception”)

What are your favorite quotes from Season 1 of Revenge so far?

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  1. Amanda says:

    “What’s on the Revengenda this evening” was the best. I CANNOT WAIT FOR TONIGHT!

  2. Fan says:

    oh, how I love this show!! can’t wait to see the engagement party ep!!

  3. trista says:

    Can’t wait!
    Totally Team Jack

  4. Kelli says:

    One of my favorites from the Pilot
    Victoria: Remind me to buy her a cat bell.
    Conrad: Awww let her have a little fun. She got straight A’s this year.
    Victoria: No one is accusing her of being stupid.

  5. rob60990 says:

    That quote from the 5th episode from Victoria to Lydia was the best!!

  6. Sandi says:

    Anything Nolan says I love! :)

  7. Guy says:

    Bring it on! Can’t wait to see it. Been waiting all season for this moment. They better not disappoint!

  8. Renne says:

    So, is Nolan in love with Jack? Or Emily? Or ust the dream of a happy ending for the two of them. I don’t entirely get his obsession with Jack – is it because he thinks Emily should go for happily ever after with Jack? I think it goes without saying I love, love Nolan. The actors is wonderful.

  9. John says:

    Emily, “I never panic” – when Nolan suggested she get a panic room installed.

  10. Justin says:

    Nolan | “Baby steps….” [Puts his arm around her on beach]
    Emily | [Icily shrugging off the gesture] “Don’t do that.”..LOL. I love this.

  11. Jess says:

    i’m so excited about tonight’s episode! Also a little worried about whether the producers are ballsy enough to go where i want them to go… eek!

  12. Dina says:

    Great list of quotes. I cannot wait for tonights episode.

  13. Mimi williams says:

    Favorite quote..I came to apologize. For sleeping with my husband or for blackmailing us. Not quite sure which apology I should be aimingy forgiveness at.

  14. Sparky says:

    There was a scene between Tyler and Conrad when they were in Conrads office and he was trying to blackmail him. He said something like you people are starting to rub off on me. His delivery was perfect….

  15. Meri says:

    Great show and I love the quotes. Smart and witty writing. I’ll be very disappointed if it doesn’t get renewed.

  16. MJ says:

    The episode where Emily was getting revenge on the senator.
    Nolan:”You’ve ruined his career.”
    Emily:”I’m not trying to ruin his career, I want to ruin his life.”
    May not be word for word right but this has been my favorite line.

  17. Sparky says:

    Tonights episode – Tyler asks Amanda how do I look? Amanda Undermedicated. Great writers…

  18. Crystal says:

    You guys missed this Nolan gem, “Was fire and brimstone not available?”

  19. Alice says:

    You forgot “I would tell you the time but you stole my watch” – Emily

  20. memory says:

    Nolan ‘was fire and brimstone not avaliable’ Awesome