Question: I can’t wait for David and Maddie to finally get together on Moonlighting. The show will be even better then, don’t you think? Any idea if it’ll happen this season? —Fiona
Ausiello: I totally agree, Fi! The only bummer about the show is all that gnarly anticipation! But, we might get our wish for a David/Maddie – Daddie? – hook-up sooner than later: A new rival – David’s brother, no less! – hits on Maddie in the season premiere, and you don’t have to be a detective to figure out what kind of monster that turns David into. (“Green-eyed,” in case you do have to be a detective to get that joke.)
Question: I still can’t believe Bobby is dead on Dallas. Can we just pretend that cliffhanger never happened? —Tiffany
Ausiello: You joke, but my spies tell me Patrick Duffy, like, already wants his job back, and producers are brainstorming ways to make it happen. One idea I’m told is being bandied about: erasing the entire previous season and, in essence, saying, “April Fool’s!” If you ask me, though, that sounds about as likely a scenario as a Larry Hagman/Barbara Eden reunion.
Question: You’re so smart, what do you think the first cancelled show of the season is going to be? —EG
Ausiello: You’re right. I am so smart. And, being so smart, I’m going to have to say Golden Girls. Sorry, but everybody knows Betty White peaked with Sue Ann Nivens.
Question: Is it true Miami Vice is getting a spinoff set in New York? —Vlada
Ausiello: Oh, Vlada, this is how rumors start! No, the show isn’t getting a spinoff — not yet, at least. But the second season opener — directed by Starsky himself, Paul Michael Glaser — is set in Manhattan.
Question: Anything on The Facts of Life? —Kim
Ausiello: Like, totally! In Episode 2, E/R’s Ace, George Clooney, guests as the handyman Mrs. Garrett hires to turn Edna’s Edibles into a rad new boutique. Too bad E/R didn’t work out. He looked pretty good in scrubs.
Question: You must know by now who bought the farm in Dynasty’s Moldavian massacre by now. And still no clues? Come on, dude! Uncool. —Rickey Lee
Ausiello: OK, how’s this? I can’t name names – duh! – but I can tell you that a) one half of a controversial couple runs off with the Grim Reaper, and b) one of the casualties is not Claudia. Unfortunately.
Question: Just curious — how do you get all this scoop? Aren’t you, like, 12? —John
Ausiello: Actually, I’m 13. And while I make it a policy never to reveal my sources, you’d be amazed how plugged in the cafeteria lunch ladies are. In other news, I’m finding myself oddly drawn to my gym teacher Mr. Donnelly. Is that normal?
Question: I really want to like Santa Barbara but it’s not quite doing it for me. What’s your opinion of daytime’s newest soap? —Diego
Ausiello: Trust me, Diego — it gets better. In fact, sources confirm to me exclusively that in about two years Santa Barbara is going to enter a period of such creative superiority that it will become the first soap in history to win the Emmy for best daytime drama three years in a row. Bonus scoop: I hear Robin Wright is in the running to headline a film adaptation of William Goldman’s 1973 novel The Princess Bride, but my spies say her busy SB sked may preclude her from doing it.
Question: Is Dynasty II going to be any good? —Bets
Ausiello: I’ve seen the first episode, and so I can tell you that yes, it’s going to be amazing and camptastic. Provided you have the good sense to only watch the scenes that prominently feature Stephanie Beacham as Alexis II, Sable.
Question: Everything is all Moonlighting, Moonlighting, Moonlighting. How about you give me something on Remington Steele for a change? —Kathie
Ausiello: According to my moles, there’s a major, seismic, utterly life-changing event coming. Which can only mean, in my mind, a wedding, a funeral or a quinceanera.
Question: It’s high time you gave us the scoop on the biggest pop culture mystery of the ’80s: What the heck do you look like?! Show us a picture of yourself! —Jen
Ausiello: [Sigh] OK, just promise you won’t laugh. I’m going through a bit of an awkward phase. Here’s a recent pic of me hanging out with a few friends after school. I’m the one leaping in the air.
Question: So, did Diane and Frasier really get married on Cheers, or what? —Beth
Ausiello: How about if, instead of tell you that, I reveal that, in the wake of Nicholas Colasanto’s death (RIP, Coach), the bar is getting a new tender: dim bulb Woody, played by newbie Woody Harrelson. Not enough for ya? Fine, I’ll tell you this. Sam will be back, Diane will back, and Frasier will be back.
Question: What’s the new season look like on Family Ties? —Krista
Ausiello: Looks a lot like Fletch, actually. When the show returns on Sept. 23, it’ll do so with its own TV-movie spy caper set in England. And wait, it gets better: All 120 minutes are completely Skippy-free!
Question: Falcon Crest. Scoop. Now. Please. —Jana
Ausiello: Well, you already know that soap-hopper Morgan Fairchild is joining the cast as Richard’s new lawyer, Jordan Roberts, right? Right. But what you don’t know yet is that Jordan is (SPOILER ALERT!) not the only character she’ll be playing. And that’s all I can say. I swear.
Question: Will Tony and Angela get to be a couple this season on Who’s the Boss? I mean, now that they’ve kissed… —Suzan
Ausiello: Let’s just say that, in part two of the season premiere, they share a motel room. You do the math!
Question: Please tell me Valene gets her babies back on Knots Landing. Please? —Marty
Ausiello: Fine. Yes, Valene gets her babies back. Now, aren’t you sorry you didn’t ask me when she gets her babies back?
Question: Can we please get another hint about the “hit drama series that’s entering its last season but no one knows it” blind item? —Kate
Ausiello: The network is NBC, the title of the show contains a hyphen, and I pity the fool who can’t figure out the rest.
That’s a wrap, homeboys and girls! Please send questions, comments, and anonymous tips to firstname.lastname@example.org. (Additional reporting by Christopher Cowan and Andy Patrick)