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Ask Ausiello Flashback: Spoilers on Moonlighting, Dallas, Cheers, Dynasty, Falcon Crest and More!

Please note: This column was originally published on Sept. 3. 1985

Question: I can’t wait for David and Maddie to finally get together on Moonlighting. The show will be even better then, don’t you think? Any idea if it’ll happen this season? —Fiona
Ausiello: I totally agree, Fi! The only bummer about the show is all that gnarly anticipation! But, we might get our wish for a David/Maddie – Daddie? – hook-up sooner than later: A new rival – David’s brother, no less! – hits on Maddie in the season premiere, and you don’t have to be a detective to figure out what kind of monster that turns David into. (“Green-eyed,” in case you do have to be a detective to get that joke.)

Question: I still can’t believe Bobby is dead on Dallas. Can we just pretend that cliffhanger never happened? —Tiffany
Ausiello: You joke, but my spies tell me Patrick Duffy, like, already wants his job back, and producers are brainstorming ways to make it happen. One idea I’m told is being bandied about: erasing the entire previous season and, in essence, saying, “April Fool’s!” If you ask me, though, that sounds about as likely a scenario as a Larry Hagman/Barbara Eden reunion.

Question: You’re so smart, what do you think the first cancelled show of the season is going to be? —EG
Ausiello: You’re right. I am so smart. And, being so smart, I’m going to have to say Golden Girls. Sorry, but everybody knows Betty White peaked with Sue Ann Nivens.

Question: Is it true Miami Vice is getting a spinoff set in New York? —Vlada
Ausiello: Oh, Vlada, this is how rumors start! No, the show isn’t getting a spinoff — not yet, at least. But the second season opener — directed by Starsky himself, Paul Michael Glaser — is set in Manhattan.

Question: Anything on The Facts of Life? —Kim
Ausiello: Like, totally! In Episode 2, E/R’s Ace, George Clooney, guests as the handyman Mrs. Garrett hires to turn Edna’s Edibles into a rad new boutique. Too bad E/R didn’t work out. He looked pretty good in scrubs.

Question: You must know by now who bought the farm in Dynasty’s Moldavian massacre by now. And still no clues? Come on, dude! Uncool. —Rickey Lee
Ausiello: OK, how’s this? I can’t name names – duh! – but I can tell you that a) one half of a controversial couple runs off with the Grim Reaper, and b) one of the casualties is not Claudia. Unfortunately.

Question: Just curious — how do you get all this scoop? Aren’t you, like, 12? —John
Ausiello: Actually, I’m 13. And while I make it a policy never to reveal my sources, you’d be amazed how plugged in the cafeteria lunch ladies are. In other news, I’m finding myself oddly drawn to my gym teacher Mr. Donnelly. Is that normal?

Question: I really want to like Santa Barbara but it’s not quite doing it for me. What’s your opinion of daytime’s newest soap? —Diego
Ausiello: Trust me, Diego — it gets better. In fact, sources confirm to me exclusively that in about two years Santa Barbara is going to enter a period of such creative superiority that it will become the first soap in history to win the Emmy for best daytime drama three years in a row. Bonus scoop: I hear Robin Wright is in the running to headline a film adaptation of William Goldman’s 1973 novel The Princess Bride, but my spies say her busy SB sked may preclude her from doing it.

Question: Is Dynasty II going to be any good? —Bets
Ausiello: I’ve seen the first episode, and so I can tell you that yes, it’s going to be amazing and camptastic. Provided you have the good sense to only watch the scenes that prominently feature Stephanie Beacham as Alexis II, Sable.

Question: Everything is all Moonlighting, Moonlighting, Moonlighting. How about you give me something on Remington Steele for a change? —Kathie
Ausiello: According to my moles, there’s a major, seismic, utterly life-changing event coming. Which can only mean, in my mind, a wedding, a funeral or a quinceanera.

Question: It’s high time you gave us the scoop on the biggest pop culture mystery of the ’80s: What the heck do you look like?! Show us a picture of yourself! —Jen
Ausiello: [Sigh] OK, just promise you won’t laugh. I’m going through a bit of an awkward phase. Here’s a recent pic of me hanging out with a few friends after school. I’m the one leaping in the air.

Question: So, did Diane and Frasier really get married on Cheers, or what? —Beth
Ausiello: How about if, instead of tell you that, I reveal that, in the wake of Nicholas Colasanto’s death (RIP, Coach), the bar is getting a new tender: dim bulb Woody, played by newbie Woody Harrelson. Not enough for ya? Fine, I’ll tell you this. Sam will be back, Diane will back, and Frasier will be back.

Question: What’s the new season look like on Family Ties? —Krista
Ausiello: Looks a lot like Fletch, actually. When the show returns on Sept. 23, it’ll do so with its own TV-movie spy caper set in England. And wait, it gets better: All 120 minutes are completely Skippy-free!

Question: Falcon Crest. Scoop. Now. Please. —Jana
Ausiello: Well, you already know that soap-hopper Morgan Fairchild is joining the cast as Richard’s new lawyer, Jordan Roberts, right? Right. But what you don’t know yet is that Jordan is (SPOILER ALERT!) not the only character she’ll be playing. And that’s all I can say. I swear.

Question: Will Tony and Angela get to be a couple this season on Who’s the Boss? I mean, now that they’ve kissed… —Suzan
Ausiello: Let’s just say that, in part two of the season premiere, they share a motel room. You do the math!

Question: Please tell me Valene gets her babies back on Knots Landing. Please? —Marty
Ausiello: Fine. Yes, Valene gets her babies back. Now, aren’t you sorry you didn’t ask me when she gets her babies back?

Question: Can we please get another hint about the “hit drama series that’s entering its last season but no one knows it” blind item? —Kate
Ausiello: The network is NBC, the title of the show contains a hyphen, and I pity the fool who can’t figure out the rest.

That’s a wrap, homeboys and girls! Please send questions, comments, and anonymous tips to askausiello@tvline.com. (Additional reporting by Christopher Cowan and Andy Patrick)

Comments are monitored, so don’t go off topic, don’t frakkin’ curse and don’t bore us with how much your coworker’s sister-in-law makes per hour. Talk smart about TV!

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113 Comments
  1. Craig says:

    Since no one has made a guess at the blind item, I’d say the show ending is A-TEAM. Am I right?

  2. Andrew H. says:

    You were like, totally wrong to the max on Golden Girls.

  3. Justine says:

    I want a 1991 one. Question: Any scoop about the 90210 characters senior year?? And the answer: Oddly, everyone but David is going back in time and getting to redo their junior year! Also, scoop on Step by Step in 1997. Question: Brendon’s character seemed to be on the show less and less last year. Is there going to be a bigger arc for him this season? The Answer: The complete opposite actually! He’s completely disappearing from the show and it will be like he was never there… For those who don’t know, this was like the opposite of Dawn on Buffy ;) The family always had another kid, and then suddenly, he was gone and no one remembered him.

  4. apor says:

    Noooooooo. NBC don’t tell me its the A-team’s last season?? I hate NBC. Just you watch, no one will be watching this network in 25 years..

  5. Brokoe says:

    This was a great idea!!! What blasts from the past. God most of these shows are 10x better then the stuff that’s on now.

  6. Darcy says:

    Wow, I watched way too much TV in high school. Thanks for the memories!

  7. Ana Muller says:

    LOL at the moonlighting spoiler! and so began the curse…

  8. Tracy Murray says:

    Loved it ! Next year , you should think of doing a 70s Ask Ausiello.

  9. em says:

    LOL. Loved the Golden Girls prediction. And Woody Harrelson as a newbie. And your infatuation with the Smurfs.

  10. Betsy says:

    Ah, Mr. Donnelly. made me laugh out loud.

  11. Lily says:

    HILARIOUS.

  12. Michael says:

    Hilarious! More, more, more!

  13. Grace says:

    What ever happened to the SIMON brothers, Rick and AJ???
    I liked this but do more and have them be funnier. :)
    I’m glad Tom Selleck and Gerald McRaney didn’t peak at Magnum and Rick Simon!! :)

  14. Wendy says:

    Santa Barbara!! You are awesome, sir :) #eden&cruz4ever

  15. Alma says:

    This was awesome! Cheers.

  16. Mary22 says:

    Ok, not being an American, I only managed to recognize 2 or 3 shows! And of course the names of the characters say nothing to me! It was a good one though! But c’ mon admit it! You just wanted to take some free time during the holidays! Good for you! But I was sooo excited thinking that I’ll finally read that Dair spoiler!!Bring it soo please!Oh and happy new year everyone!

  17. lipsticksocialism says:

    a true gem, ausiello! a true gem! Daddie = lol. Thanks for keeping the Santa Barbara love alive. What a wonderful soap that was <3 <3

  18. Chanell says:

    LOVED IT!!!

  19. ME says:

    I laughed so hard, this was ingenious.
    Reminded me of so many shows I used to watch as a kid.
    Thanks Michael

  20. Andy M says:

    Now you need to do one for the early 90′s with some Ally Mcbeal and Melrose Spoilers

  21. Mindy says:

    What? I totally cannot believe “Dallas” would do that. No way, Ausiello! I mean, like, that would totally ruin the show! I would stop watching for sure. I mean, it is like the writers are just making it up as they go! Pretend it never happened? That is so uncool! I just wasted my time then? I am going to create a petition to stop this.

  22. NEK38583 says:

    I really did enjoy it however it is hard to beleive the Auss. was even alive in 1985.

  23. CJ says:

    This is funny AND SHORT – unlike those darn “random things” tournaments/brackets that take months to go through and replace real articles (I don’t a F what the best Glee song is).

  24. Nick says:

    Nothing better to write about huh? This is the dumbest thing I think I have ever seen on the internet. Good job, I think you broke it.

  25. Anne T says:

    Good Fun!
    In my head I just substituted the current shows these apply to,
    Castle, Once Upon a Time, Whitney, and so on down the list.

  26. Lola says:

    Loving it!!! Thanks for the laughter.

  27. mike says:

    This was awesome! Granted I was only 3 when in 1985 but I loved reading about all those old shows! Oh and you being a 13 year-old smurf was great too!

  28. Wendy says:

    Santa Barbara? You, sir, are awesome. (Mason and Julia rock always!) And this column made me feel ancient! (I was almost 13 then!) Thanks for the great fun and cool memories!

  29. Nan says:

    I am usually very pessimistic about AA – but for Remington Steele scoop – I adore you

  30. gato says:

    LOVE this!! Love the Santa Barbara shout out!! Best soap ever!

  31. Penny says:

    I was actually born 4 years later!!

  32. Bob says:

    WHAT???? Where’s the scoop on the Huxtable’s? How am I going to live another week without SOMETHING about Kirk Cameron? Very disappointed, Michael.

  33. karlii says:

    This was fantastic! I can only think the naysayers do not get it..

    And I find that I also knew wayyy too much about wayyy too many tv shows.. ;-)

    What a nice trip down memory lane… Do it again soon!

  34. It was so nice to read this! Dynasty! I was such a HUGE fan from start to ugly finish (Moldavia Massacre was the ultimate “jump the shark” moment. And I remember watching the “dream” episode of Dallas. After that revelation, I stopped watching it. It was just as bad as Fallon popping into the spaceship on “Dynasty II.” LOL! Thanks for the article!

  35. sinicalgrl says:

    I am befuddled and confused – it says this column was originally written in 1985 – by Ausiello? Because that would mean he wrote it when he was 13 if Wickipedia is correct (and yes I realize they are a lousy source but it was the only place with his birthdate) – someone help my brain from exploding.

  36. Laughing says:

    Ha! I’m just seeing this, but I still had to comment because I was also “originally published” on September 3, 1985! It was a good day!

  37. dref22 says:

    I was hoping you’d give us a scoop on Steven Carrington. Will he ever kiss a man?